Help! It's been normalised for so long.

[Forever21]

Sorry not sure where to post this.
My mother is very toxic and a bad influence on my dc. She rubs of on other people and they to tend to be negative/toxic. She openly swears, calls me names in front of my dc, she verbally abuses me and has physically attacked me. I'm mid 30s and have delt with this from her my whole life. I have finally, over the past few years been able to keep my distance and keep contact to very minimum. My dc are 2 and 4 and she is ok with very small contact that way it doesn't affect my dc (this is what terrifies me) I don't want my dc damaged like I was.

I think I'm looking for advice and maybe "stelth nc"? It's been normalised my whole life and since having my dc I've realised how the opposite of normal it is and just want to protect my precious dc.

They like to go round to play with their cousins when they are at their grans. In the past when she starts to explode or attack me I get the dc and leave. That has helped but I guess I need more strength/advice how to deal with it.

Perhaps you could maintain low contact with her and just not see her with the kids? You could then gradually tail it off if you wanted to.

spudlet7 thank you, yes that is what I've been planning since I realised her grandmother skills are almost as bad as her mothering skills.

Can anyone in your life support you to go NC? Your reasons are entirely legitimate!

have a look at a site online called Out of the FOG, it will be helpful as well

Can you start inviting the the cousins round yours or go to there’s and slowly cut her out? If there parents ask just tell the truth the worst thing about abusive people is that they often get away to continue as the abused won’t speak about it.

Can you arrange to see the cousins separately. From what you've described I would need a very good reason to ever see my mum again in your situation.

Go nc.
Arrange playdates with cousins directly.
Good luck op x

Thank you all. I'm feeling a little down about it lately and not having anyone who has gine thought the same thing or maybe they have/are but not talking about it as some one above mentioned, the abused very rarely speak out. I wish I would have sooner.

My step father was mentally abusive he was horrible, I’ve gone nc with him for 7 years best thing I ever did. It’s only recently I’ve started feeling more normal after 17 years of abuse. The relief and guilt at the start was immense at first now it’s just relief, even now I occasionally think of him but At the time I didn’t realize how damaging the whole thing is my scares (mentally) are beginning to fade.

If I hadn’t gone nc I don’t doubt he would have abused my dd too, he really kicked it up a gear when I became old enough to question him. You can do this and it could very well be one of the best things you do abuse is like a disease. It will affect your children she will not be any different. My ex cheated on me with my best friend recently and I kicked her out and will be moving out soon too, I didn’t realize what a nasty parisite she could be she got a huge inheritance and bought me an expensive item she would tell everyone how I would never be able to afford it, I even caught her telling my daughter off for touching it saying she couldn’t afford to replace it....luckily she’s so young she doesn’t understand but it sickens me how much it reminds me of him.

(I refused the item she insisted then seemed upset that I wouldn’t accept) I’m still scared of what might happen with her as her mother is storing my stuff.

I am long-term NC with a parent
you can do this