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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH and the pub

19 replies

BachAtTheMoon · 04/01/2019 18:50

I don't think I am being U but am desperate for some perspective. My DH likes the pub. He always has. We have been together for 15 years and his drinking has caused many rows.

He will go out to see MIL for an hour and then go to the pub for a couple of hours afterwards. But he gets drunk at least every other day and sometimes is out for up to 7 hours at a time maybe more.

A lot of the time he comes home and it's as if he's spoiling for a fight and I detest it. I find myself being defensive the minute he walks in, so sometimes even when he's not being argumentative my behaviour sets him off and we end up falling out. Sometimes quite badly as he says some horrible things.

He says, when challenged, that the kids are older now (14 and 10) so he doesn't need to be at home so much, or that his been with his mum (family background of abuse) and needs to destress, but there is always an excuse for him to blame his frustration on.

This post feels very disjointed, like i'm not getting myself across properly, but I wanted some advice as all the excuses and explanations he comes out with are so logical and plausible that I can't get across to him why his behaviour upsets me without getting really upset.

OP posts:

Original poster

BachAtTheMoon · 04/01/2019 18:52

Posted too soon. I know, realistically that I should tell him to leave. But the non drinking times are so lovely that I wonder if it's worth the trade off?

OP posts:

Hobbes8 · 04/01/2019 18:54

If he gets drunk at least every other day then it doesn’t sound like there are any lovely non drinking times to make it worth it.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/01/2019 18:55

It is not worth the trade off. You don't have a marriage, you are in a hostage situation. Get out and move on.

Baconmaket · 04/01/2019 18:57

Yes I do think you need to get him to leave. If he can quit drinking maybe you can reconcile. If you ignore people's bad qualities everyone's lovely. There's no way you or your kids should be waiting at home anxiously not knowing what mood he'll be coming home in.

WitsEnding · 04/01/2019 18:58

From what you say, he spends more time in the pub than with you - and barely has time to sober up and recover before he's there again. The pub and his mum are his priorities, not you.

He doesn't even want to change, so what would you like to happen? Where do you see yourself in another 5 years? What influence is all this having on the children?

Thingsdogetbetter · 04/01/2019 18:59

Doesn't sound like there is actually much lovely non drinking time. How many days a week are you sure he's not going to drink? I mean really sure, so you're not worried when he leaves the house? Not waiting on tenderhooks for him to be late and drunk?

Does he need to visit his mum so much, or is he doing it so he has an excuse to drink afterwards?

Newyearbollocks · 04/01/2019 19:01

He drinks (he may have a problem actually)
He is abusive.
He has caused you to feel hostile in your own environment.
Yes you should leave. You may trade him for a man who deserves you OP.

Did he do this when the kids were little?

AnoukSpirit · 04/01/2019 19:06

But the non drinking times are so lovely that I wonder if it's worth the trade off?

This is the trap every abusive man uses to keep us from leaving. But it's not a normal way to live.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk will help you understand what's going on and the cycle of abuse.

This is no way to live. You deserve better.

Consolidateyourloins · 04/01/2019 19:06

It sounds like is an alcoholic.

I would give him an ultimatum to get help and quit drinking or leave.

Consolidateyourloins · 04/01/2019 19:06

*He

GoldfishCrackers · 04/01/2019 19:08

It's perfectly understandable that you get upset. More days than not he gets drunk. When he gets drunk he's often spoiling for a fight and saying horrible things, but of course you can't predict when that's going to be so every time he's out/drinking you're on alert for him treating you badly.
It's really not ok to spend most days waiting for abuse from your person, the man who's meant to have your back.

I saw on another thread someone saying a cup of coffee with one spoonful of shit is still a shit cup of coffee. That was to someone saying their relationship was lovely 95% of the time. Yours sounds even more unpleasant.

You don't need to tell an adult that getting drunk every other day, or saying horrible things or coming in spoiling for a fight is not acceptable. And you don't need to convince him that this is unacceptable to you. I hope you can see that you don't need his agreement to set your boundaries

Original poster

BachAtTheMoon · 04/01/2019 19:10

He has always been like this. He genuinely needs to visit his mum. She is 86 and in bad health.
I know I have to give him the ultimatum but I'm scared to end things because I love him and I know that makes me weak

OP posts:

AnoukSpirit · 04/01/2019 19:10

It's also not uncommon for abusive men to use alcohol to excuse behaviour they planned whilst sober.

Have a drink, play up the effects of alcohol, blame the drink for his abuse or claim not to even remember. Repeat.

AnoukSpirit · 04/01/2019 19:15

An ultimatum won't achieve anything.

Either he'll threaten you and blame you for everything, or hell promise you the world and then go back to how he was.

Loving him makes you human. Sometimes we have to accept that the person we love is harming us and that we need to love ourselves and value ourselves enough to put a stop to it. You deserved to be loved; by definition anybody who abuses you even occasionally cannot love you.

Women's Aid can help you talk things through and figure out a plan to either leave or eject him. 0808 2000 247

Please be careful, abuse is about controlling you, and abusive men escalate when they realise they're about to lose control of a woman who's planning to leave.

whatamidoingwithmylife · 04/01/2019 19:18

I really feel for you. Went through this myself with a recent ex.
He used the ill mother as an excuse for yet more drinking. I always knew I couldn't deal with the excessive drinking but as you have said, the good times are so good that you try to forget the bad times.

His father was an alcoholic and I'm sure he's heading this way too which is sad as he can be a truly wonderful person. However, his temper and argument causing ended our relationship. I still love him deeply though.

monroe234 · 04/01/2019 19:21

You aren't weak OP! There's no shame in loving your husband. However, you deserve a nice life and what's going on right now sounds pretty scary and rubbish.

You shouldn't have to put up with someone saying horrible things to you. If he needs to destress there are other ways of doing it!

I think it might be time to leave and give yourself a bit of a better life xx

Original poster

BachAtTheMoon · 04/01/2019 19:24

The most frustrating part is that he knows he has a problem. He has admitted it, shown remorse and genuinely tried to change. But then he pops out to see a friend and it all starts again with the justification that he was only out 'for a couple'.
I won't speak to him tonight when he gets in, I'll leave it until tomorrow when he's sobered up.

OP posts:

MereDintofPandiculation · 04/01/2019 19:41

find myself being defensive the minute he walks in, so sometimes even when he's not being argumentative my behaviour sets him off No, his drinking sets him off, not your behaviour. Don't be in any doubt about this.

CatnissEverdene · 04/01/2019 19:45

You can't cure or change him.

All you can do is save your own sanity.

You are stuck on a never ending treadmill - time to take the leap off. No one needs to live like this..... and it will only ever get worse.

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