to ask you how you let your oldest child hold your baby?

[TrinaTree]

I have a DSS (6 nearly 7)

DD (nearly 3 months)

DSS holds DD a lot. DSS is very confident and I'm constantly having to tell him to sit down with DD, to stop changing what position DD is in, not to walk around with her etc etc.

Me and DH need to come up with some strict rules about how DD is to be held. I say DSS needs to be sat down, with an adult in the room, and he doesn't move DD around when he's say with her as he gets over confident. (When I say he shouldn't move her about, I mean from facing forwards to backwards etc, not things like bouncing his knee a bit. That's fine).

I feel extremely nervous watching him with DD and DH had to tell him off the other day as the doorbell went and DSS stood up with DD and ran for the door. My heart nearly leapt out of my chest.

What were your rules?

This all sounds very militant. We aren't. We're a pretty chilled family but DD is so precious and little and we need set some ground rules...

Also before anyone says we should've had rules set in stone until now... we did. They were

DSS to be sat down and not move DD unless me or her dad were there.

This has completely fallen by the wayside and even DH doesn't seem too fussed as he will go upstairs and leave them unsupervised together for a few minutes. I absolutely wouldn't do this.

I have a similar age gap between my pair. DD1 had to be sat on the sofa or comfy chair and right back, and no walking about with her, and she wasn’t allowed to pick her up, we handed her to her. However DD1 was a responsible thing and loved keeping an eye on DD2 whilst I had a shower - although not holding her. It was their sister time and she used to read DD2 stories whilst DD2 was either in the Moses basket or on a mat on the floor. (We have an ensuite and I left door ajar so I could hear them.

Thanks @Ionacat - did your DD1 stick to it?

My DSS does for 5 mins then gets brave and over confident and does what he wants

Yes she did, hence I was happy to leave them together for a few minutes while I had a shower, made a cuppa etc. We said stroking, holding hands, making faces was absolutely fine but DD2 was too big for her to carry. The big sister time was the crucial bit as she loved the time together (and still does even though DD2 is a stroppy toddler.) Neither DH or I would have let her carry DD2 around. Pushing the buggy was fine though.

At 3 months she’s probably able to hold her neck up and may be starting to sit down. As long as DSS holds her securely, do changes of position really matter?

My 7 year old only holds my baby occasionally and only sitting on a sofa with his arm supported on a cushion. I am also right next to him when he does this. He is confident and trustworthy but he is only 7 - if the baby wriggled he might be unsure how to stop her falling. Or if she turned a bit and became uncomfortable he might not notice. I would never let him walk around with her. He plays with her when she is lying on a mat with reminders not to accidentally bump her

DSD10 has never really been allowed to walk around holding DD2 until she was 18 months; in the past I felt she was just too young and even now DD is a bit heavy to be held for long.
If he gets over confident quickly then I’d only let him hold her for short periods of time and warn him that if he continues to break the “rules” then he won’t be allowed to hold her. What you’re suggesting sounds completely fine and not over protective; they’re too vulnerable to take risks

You don't need rules as such - just supervise

Oldest DC sitting down on the settee, with baby resting across body and head propped up on chair arm. And supervised at all times, I would not leave the room.

Absolutely no walking around and definitely no carrying up and down stairs.

Since you have asked...... my personal view is that I would not put that level of responsibility for a baby onto a young child......

I have DD that was 6 when baby was born. She was allowed to hold baby if sat down on sofa. She needed to be given baby by me and baby was taken off by me.

I don’t allow children to pick up younger babies / children.

And a big NO to pushing the pushchair.

It’s not fair to put that huge responsibility on a child. What if they dropped the baby or What if the pushchair rolled into the road and they accidently let go.

@Cherries101 yes because he's only young and turning her from facing forwards to backwards requires him to at times only have one hand on her at points. It's really awkward to watch. It's more in case she's dropped as opposed to her head wobbling.

@Orlande with my DSS I think we need to have specific rules. He won't stick to anything otherwise.

And a big NO to pushing the pushchair

Really? My 7 and 4 year old push the pushchair all the time. I’m right next to them; what’s going to happen I couldn’t instantly stop?

Ds1 was just 2yo when ds2 came along. I never left them alone together. I took Ds2 to shower with me or was always in the room together.
However, ds1 was not very good with Ds2 to start with and I couldn't trust him not to do something dangerous.
I don't think your 6yo sounds sensible enough to be left with baby yet.

We allow him to push the pushchair. We just use common sense. Obviously we wouldn't let him near a busy main road but round the park absolutely fine.

I also always sit right next to my 9 year old niece when she is holding my baby. My 13 year old niece likes to lift my baby up and walk around with her but even at that age she needs reminders to be careful about supportibg the baby’s neck and not bouncing her too much when she's crying.

i'd be very wary, heard of an 11 yr old dropping a baby which died a day later.

He is 6. Surely just let him hold the baby when he is sitting down, whilst you are there, then take baby back and off goes 6yo to play with their toys?

None of mine used their baby siblings as toys.

DD was newly 7 when DS was born and at first she only held him when sitting down while one of us was around. As he got bigger and less fragile the rules relaxed. Now she's nearly 8 and he's nearly 11 months she walks around holding him, gets him out of his cot after naps (she loves being the first one to go to him when he wakes up and cuddle him), that kind of thing. Not allowed to go up or down the stairs holding him though, that's too dangerous.

@Sl33py would you mind me asking this? When DC was 8 weeks, my SIL said to her DD (8) that she could carry him in the sling
Sling was only for DH and I, for safety and bonding (I had PND)

I felt so upset and said nothing as I took him for a feed and he slept but she said to her, oh, don't worry next time you can carry him or push the buggy

I am still upset about it when I remember. Thoughts?

Sorry OP, as you can see I have no clue but I would worry too

@planespotting YANBU. No way would I let an 8 year old carry a baby in a sling, and it's utterly bizarre for someone else to assume this is ok!

DD2 wasn't allowed to move if she was holding DS2, but she was only 4. My first 2 were adults, when DD1 was born DS1 was only 14 months, so it was more keeping him out of her cot!

@TrinaTree thank you. I feel so disempowered when she is around. She was very pushy for me to let him go on the trampoline with her DC last time but he was only 18 months old and then play very energetically her children due to their age 😞
I hope you find an answer, I am no expert as you can tell

Just say no. You are the one responsible for the baby. Who cares if you upset them. Your baby’s safety and your happiness if far more important than hurting their feelings. If they question your views say -

thank you for your opinion but this is my opinion. My baby my decision.

It’s hard being a mum. When I had my first my SIL and PIL used to throw my DN baby about - because he liked it and it made him laugh. They all thought I was precious - but I didn’t care one but.

Speaking up was one of the hardest things to do x

When my daughter was a few months old a little girl we knew of about 5 years old wanted to hold her on her lap at school sports day. This seemed safe as they were sitting on a rug however after a few minutes the five year old spotted her friend and leapt up dropping my daughter in the process and ran off without a backward glance. Never again.