Sorry I just need a rant. I found this website months ago and have been lurking for a while now. I am not a mum I don't have a family I can't really contribute in many of the threads but I just need to write this out as I can't really talk to anyone about this but I just need to let it out.
I don't know where to start, bit worried as I think my boyfriend sister is a regular on these websites but fuck it don't care if she recognises the story.
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now(give or take). I love him to bits and I know he loves me too.
We live in England but neither of us are British (and we are coming from 2 different countries). We also have siblings (both of us) that live or work abroad (Not in England or out home countries) Yup utter shit already as there will be times such as Christmas when we can't keep everyone happy. Well this happened last Christmas and this Christmas too even though I think I tried my best.
Last Christmas I was mentally in a very deep point. I have had a lot of rubbish going on in 2017 such as health issues, family issues and work issues. It's life isn't it but I really struggled to cope by the end of the year. It was hard. I had a big fall out with my parents and decided to not to go home for Christmas. I told my boyfriend I am staying in our home, eat loads and relax. I just wanted to relax a bit. He made a big fuss about this and suggested he can't leave me at home alone but his family-and the siblings who live far away or abroad were all going home for Christmas so of course at the same time he wanted to go home. And that was fine but I didn't want to go with him. I like his family, not particularly close with any of them but have nothing against them. I think they are nice people but in that time I could barely stand myself let alone going to my boyfriends to spend Christmas there. At the end we went for a few days before Christmas. It was okay but it didn't feel right. Everyone wanted my boyfriend to stay and I know he really wanted to stay but I wanted to curl up in my own bed at home. I could feel the hate towards me. It was awkward. I literally kept asking my boyfriend every hour to change his tickets and stay for Christmas. But he didn't ... he came home with me and it was awful. I felt bad for everyone and hands on heart I just wanted some time for myself and no drama. We came home and he was really off with me, it made me feel even more worse. Eventually time went on and we didn't talk about it anymore.
In 2018 unfortunately things didnt change with my family, if anything it got worse. On top of that health situation got a bit worse and I was unemployed in the second half of the year . I struggled to find work and keep it together. Mental healthwise things didn't really change and I felt stuck. Summer was over and I started mentioning the C word to my boyfriend. The thing is tho his job is full on, he travels a lot(I mean a lot 12-15 one or 2 weeks trips abroad a year) and autumn/beginning of winter is a proper busy period for him. Unfortunately he ended up being away from the middle of December and traveled back to his home country on the 22nd. I was interviewing for jobs or waiting to hear back till the 18th. I felt sick. I didn't want Christmas, I had no contact with my family, no jobs, financially it's been fairly difficult and I didn't have the only person I can count on beside me. We decided earlier in December that he'll go home for Christmas and I see what I will do. 3 options: go home (to my home country) /stay in England/ go and spend Christmas with boyfriend ( his siblings were not spending Christmas there this year but one sibling and his family arrived just after Christmas and my boyfriend purposely booked tickets so they overlap)
Obviously my job situation was hanging in the air and I knew I wasn't going to interview for anything over Christmas but I needed to stay, prepare for interviews, keep applying. I had a goal, I wanted to secure a job before Christmas. At the end I failed, I got a job a crap one but I suppose I got something. The other job opportunities I so wanted were offered to others, which is fine but I tried so hard and I feel like I let myself down.
Again the same story started, my boyfriend didn't want me to stay on my own even though after not securing a good job that's all I wanted. He said his Christmas would be crap if I wasn't there with him and perhaps I should just give myself a break and spend Christmas with him and his parents. I was being difficult at this point, I understood what he meant and I don't think being alone over Christmas was the best idea but in my heart that's all I wanted. At the end a few days before Christmas I booked tickets to go and spend it with him. I pulled myself together and decided I'll try my best. I made hand made presents for his parents, got a bottle of champagne and decided I was going try my best. I made conversation with all family members , I didn't drink too much, I try to be as helpful as I can. I was there for a week with him and his family and the last few days one of my boyfriend s siblings and family arrived . The sister was off with me straight away but I thought fair enough how could she be all nice after I basically dragged her brother away from the family Christmas last year(even thou I still don't think I did but I see where she would come from) days went by and little things were mentioned in conversation but I didn't react to any of them. Last night before we left she dropped a sentence into thin air before we all went to bed. I was hurt and I knew she was hurt so I told my boyfriend to ask her to see us in the kitchen and so we explain things and hopefully finally can leave it behind us.
She came in the kitchen, it was just the 3 of us. She was upset but also very passive aggressive. We started explaining her what happened last year but she didn't really listen. She said that's none of her business but she needed closure and explanation why her brother didn't spend Christmas with her and family last year. We roughly explained why and my boyfriend told her that he had explained to their parents why we didn't spend Christmas with them In 2017. She just kept going on about it brought up her own mental health problems and that she would have understood the situation if she explained to her. She said that I ruined everyone s Christmas and it was awful that her kids uncle wasn't there to play with them at Christmas. She said awful things like 'you two went to play house' which I am not sure where she got from. I apologised st least 2 if not 3 times during this conversation but I don't think she heard it. She was so upset and to a degree I understand that but she wasn't willing to have a conversation just kept going on about how we ruined their Christmas. She then carried on how we are rude by going away for skiing for 3 days at New Years. I mean I understand if she was upset about Christmas but I don't get how what we do for NYE is any of her business. She also mentioned that her husband or their other sibling s partner are very easy going but I am not. And she thought it was outrageous that she didn't know I was coming till the very last minute. During the whole conversation she not once looked at me. She was just standing there but not once look at me. At the end her husband came in mumbled something then they just went to bed. She didn't say one single word, she didn't say thanks for trying to explain what happened or fuck you guys, she didn't say good night or anything just left. It was awful, next day I couldn't wait to come back home. I literally felt sick and thought to myself why did I come here?! I booked my tickets last minute and they were expensive and I can't really afford them. I should have just stayed at home...
I am so upset