To ask you guys for help!

[Newyearbollocks]

I've just split from my abusive partner and I have 4 children.
I work part time (2 x12 hour shifts) Study full time but it's 2.5 days. So Monday/tuesday/part Weds/Thursday/Fridays are all taken up by work and study. Youngest is 2 and eldest is 10. Weekends they do football and atm I don't drive so relying heavily on DM and DF for help taking them too and from practice.

They go to the chilminders and school while I work. My mum is brilliant and picks up when I'm working the two 12 hour shifts.

This morning I've sat them down and wrote a list of family values and rules with them. Asking their help to create them. Also done a chore chart and steps chart for positive and negative reinforcements..

They are off school and me off work untill Tuesday and it's only been a week since the split. So there has been alot of tears and acting out from the kids. Part of the reason for the split was because the children had started to show similar behaviours as my ex. So it was the best thing. However I am now stuck with the backlash.

I'm getting all distinctions on my grades and have been offered all 5 of my UNI choices. So I'm doing really well.

I just don't want to cave and fail. I can hardly find time to study and do assignments because my 2 year old is unsettled and will only sleep with me.

I've had a number of health issues and just a year ago I had my 2nd open heart surgery. Which has resulted in PTSD, depression and anxiety. My ex caused some of that too.

The kids just won't behave today and I am sticking to the charts. I'm just finding it all incredibly hard and overwhelming.

Don't know where to start with housework and home improvements.
It's only a 3 bed council house so I feel like a failure. Desperately trying to better myself.

Please tell me how I can help myself? Will this get better. If it ever will

Geez Bollocks.... ease up on yourself! You are making absolutely loads of positive steps to improve everyone's lives. I think the missing factor is keeping your eyes on the long term here. Your career and the kid's behaviour etc are long term endeavours and you must expect sometimes to be tougher than others . But I can see its borne of your motivation for great things ... be patient, you sound as though you are doing a fantastic job .... just pace yourself and energy for the long game. 💕💕💕💕

I guess since you seem quite dynamic and motivated just now, more practical advice would be to map out your household projects into a 2 or 3 year plan . Your environment can wait as long you as you are warm, safe and clean . The behaviour charts sound good and it's about your resolve in the long term here.I liked Supernanny programmes myself. Lots of tips . You won't fail. You have already made amazing positive steps ... You can do this

First, a big hug and a round of applause for you! You’re coping with enough problems to floor most people.
Second, I recommend that you start delegating and getting some help. Are there any volunteer organisations in your area that will provide someone to come in and give you a hand for a few hours a week, with chores or looking after the kids etc? It could be a big help
and take the pressure off a wee bit.
Things should get a lot easier as the kids settle down in this new life, your ex’s influence fades, their behaviour improves and they get a little older and more independent, needing less hands on care.
Give yourself credit for doing brilliantly, and try to find a few moments somewhere in your hectic week to just relax and have some time for you. You’ve more than earned it.

You are doing AMAZINGLY!

I think that's my issue. I don't know how to conserve energy. I want the house nice, I want the kids happy, I want to know my future is certain and I won't fuck up, like I did by being with an abuser. Deep down I know it all takes time. But being controlled for so long gives you more drive to become free and happy and I know what I want.

When the kids misbehave and tell me no, I feel like a failure. Like they'll never listen and because i was the calm one and he was the disciplinarian abuser.

If the washing piles up, the dishes aren't clean, the kids mess up the carpet. I panic because people may see it and think I can't cope. I think you get what I'm trying to say. I think this is also conditioned as if things weren't perfect he would shout and swear. He had OCD with washing so it was always done.

I worry I won't hit deadlines because I've done nothing over Christmas study wise and I'm trying to find energy and time to keep my grades up.
I'm just making myself worse I know and it's still raw.

I guess I need to hear times others have managed in these early days. To help me see the light.

The one thing I'm certain of is I love my kids and that's who I'm doing it for.

I'm skint while sorting finances and just spent all my savings on childcare. So we will be housebound for the next 3 days. I think I'm going to drive myself insane. I'm a little scared of taking all 4 out alone while they are acting up as well.
People are so judgemental and the surfice doesn't show the underneath circumstance.

However if I'm careful with finances in the next coming months I may be able to budget for a cleaner once a week. I think that may help. However I am a worrier and I will only think the cleaner thinks my home is a shit storm. Oh dear I need to stop this don't I?

Your words are bringing me tears they are so comforting!
My biggest issue is always trying to do things alone and never asking for help. Sometimes I feel like I put way too much on my mum.

Bloody hell you're not a failure you sound amazing and need to cut yourself and your kids some slack. Don't worry about home improvements for a start. Aim to keep things clean enough and that's it. Write a list of essential chores for each day and do nothing else. With kids behaviour try and remember the rule that for every negative thing you should say 5 positive things. I would concentrate on the really important rules for now and not worry too much else.

Can you bring your work to bed with you in the evening? (I wrote my thesis on my laptop while DD slept on me)

Well done for leaving.
I think you should take some time to relax, regroup and catch your breath first.
Then write a list of all the things you need/want to do. Then prioritise them in order of urgent to non urgent.
Then some sort of time-scale for each task.
You want your house to be a nice home but it's not going to happen over night. You have to run it day to day and work on improvements over time.
I don't know if you have many friends or a big family but my sister lost her husband and was in a very run down house. She harnessed all the offers of help that she got in the weeks after he died by having get togethers to get jobs done.
So in the summer she hosted a barbecue asking people to come and help her with taking down her old shed (falling down and full of rats) and put up a new one she had got cheap second hand. Do some digging, weeding, cut a small tree down, plant up some pots. It was actually a really fun day and she bbq'd for everyone who came and helped.
Then she wanted to do some decorating (nothing fancy) and did the same again a couple of times for that.
It was nice and people were happy to help with something practical, stuff got done quite quickly and no one had to do that much. Many hands etc.
Could you ask friends and family for a bit of help?
You are doing so well, it won't always be so hard. Good luck

Can I just say that I've only read your op and I am in total awe of you. Please don't think you're failing because you are doing amazingly well. Far far more than 99% of people do. I feel so certain that you SBD your children are going to have a very happy future. I know it's hard. I know it's overwhelming. But you're doing it, right now. And rather we'll too! Hats off to you!

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read my long OP ramblings and reassure me that I'm doing okay. I do feel weak atm and that's not helping. The kids are bored and I don't have the energy to do much. But I am really trying though. I'll have more energy soon.
I will do my work while she sleeps in my bed. I have to. I know my future relies on it. I'll try get some done tonight and then I will feel better.

OP Rome wasn't built in a day. Don't put so much pressure on yourself

You are all so right. I'm just having a shitty moment today. I know this will pass and you will have ups and downs.

Do they have a team in your area? I used to volunteer for them and would go in to a family for a couple of hours a week to offer support (they could play with your little one for example whilst you get some uni work done)

That should say Homestart team, don’t know where that went!

@Yearinyearout honestly I'm not entirely sure. I've never heard of anything like this. Would there be a website online?

www.home-start.org.uk/

Just wanted to say what an amazing achievement you have made, to get yourself and your children out of the horrible situation you were in. I was in a similar situation to you a year ago (except without the operations and uni to deal with on top of it all!) and remember the moments of feeling helpless when the kids were playing up/missing their dad even tho he was also an abusive arse/worrying myself silly about money/the future etc etc but I promise you it does get better. There is so much help out there (womens aid, relate, children 1st etc) and it sounds like your parents are brilliant. Remember to ask for help, you dont have to do this alone!
I think the key for me was not to try to solve everything all at once. Concentrating on my relationship with my kids...supporting each other, playing, being kind to each other, talking about feelings etc...really focussed my mind on why I had left their dad and how they would be better off.
You've made such a brave choice for your family and you should be really proud

I think this government's austerity policies mean that homestart is pretty much dead now

This is just what I needed to hear. I will keep coming back here when I need that kick up my arse. Reminding myself how far I have come.
Home start sounds promising. I've had a glance and will probably give them an email tonight inbetween work. See what it is they offer. Thank you so much.

Maybe if there is a volunteer that can help. It would do my kids the world of good. Even more so if the volunteer was an older male. They may learn that not all male role models are bad. They have that in my dad I suppose. I just worry their view of relationships are damaged.