I'm worried and upset

[beansontoastfortea]

DP has been working one on one on a project at work with a woman

The first I heard about this woman was a few months ago when he was excitedly and in admiration telling me how intelligent she was.

Their project came to an end yesterday and she's leaving to go to another department somewhere.

to celebrate The success he achieved I bought him a gift which I knew he would love and show him that I loved him and was proud of him

Anyway, before he left the office he accidentally rang me from his pocket

He and her were talking

The conversation was broken because there was so much noise he must have been moving or something but I heard bits

Him, it won't be that long until I see you, you'll have to come back early and help me with this thing I've got next month but I'll email you next week anyway

Her, oh I'm not technically leaving until Wednesday so I'll still you,

Him, I can't wait to use my gift

Her, hahaha giggle giggle

There was a long conversation going on but I could barely hear anything over the noises in the background but they were giggling and joking a lot

He comes home... shows me the gift she gave him which was exactly the gift I got him. I didn't give him mine or let him know I bought it

I was so upset and I don't know why.

I asked him, 'oh that was an expensive gift for her to give, what did you say when you opened it'

He said 'Thanks you shouldn't have' she said 'I wanted to' he said 'you didn't have to, see you in a few months'

Now I know this is a fucking lie because I heard their giggling conversation from his pocket. Anticipating that it might have been the conversation before he rang me, I said was there anything else when you were leaving, like her still being at work next week to which he said no, nothing that was it and I left.

I don't know why I'm upset but I really am. I can't even talk to him

I think it might be that I know how much happiness another woman just bought him, the fact that I could hear that he was discussing ways to keep in touch with her and then lied to me about it.

I have really low confidence and no self esteem, I'm very down on myself and have PMDD which doesn't help. I'm trying to find ways to increase my own self worth and I'm taking evening primrose oil to try and counteract the PMDD but I'm still so down and worried about this enough that I want to end this relationship

If anything I can't handle the mental stress, whether it's my own confidence issues causing it and that I'm BU or that I actually have a reason to be upset

I don't think he's having an affair or done anything with this other woman physically, I think I'm worried that mentally he would rather be with her and now she's bought him his dream gift I just feel like I can't compete anymore.

I need the strong straight talking ladies of mumsnet to tell me if IABU and should let this go.

I want to improve my sense of self worth so I can just not worry about this stuff

I don't think YABU to feel upset by what you heard or the fact that he wasn't totally truthful with you.

I can only say what I would do in your shoes OP and that would be to talk to him and explain that you heard the conversation and that you're worried he has some sort of feelings for her. I couldn't let this go personally.

No need to suffer in silence. Bring out your gift and tell him you got him one too. Be honest and say you were a bit sad to have your thunder accidentally stolen.

Hopefully he’ll give you a big hug and be just as grateful (if not more so) at your thoughtfulness.

I would tell him he pocket dialled you for starters. Then gauge how he reacts to that before processing it.

Hugs to you I think you need an honest conversation with your husband. Tell him you bought him the gift! Also tell him you heard his conversation and how it made you feel. Maybe he’s played it down because he knows that you have low self esteem and would worry. A conversation with him may be hugely reassuring. Take care.

"Before having too much fun using your new gift, maybe stop and check your call log and then have a think about why it is you're lying to me about your conversations with this woman and future plans to see each other"

Low self esteem or not that's a shit way to behave. Having to listen to your DP acting like a gushing giggling schoolboy and then lying to you is shit.

And I'd leave your gift out for him but don't present it.

I don’t think there was anything particularly sinister in his conversation with her beyond them obviously being close (perhaps more than they should be), but it’s shit that he lied to you. I expect he was trying to spare your feelings, but it’s still not on.

Tell him you also bought him the gift, and tell him he pocket dialled you and it made you uncomfortable that they seemed so close, and that you’re sad that he wasn’t truthful. Explain that you aren’t accusing him of infidelity, but that you’re concerned about their closnesess and are made uncomfortable by it. Ask him to back off from being in contact with her (except what’s required for work).

If he’s a decent man, he will understand, accept and apologise.

Any update OP? Did you speak to him? Hope you are ok.

Totally, totally, totally unreasonable. They guy has done not a thing wrong here. Nobody has.

He isn’t accountable to you in the sense he has to give you verbatim accounts of every conversation. He might not even remember the exact wording.

Let it go, and quickly.