To wonder if anxiety makes me rude?

[FloralTeacup]

I know I’m an anxious mess of a person, and have gotten to grips with some of the triggers. But sometimes, I feel it can make me come across as downright rude and miserable. I hate it. The following are scenarios that tend to happen when I’m out in public, though only when I’m alone.

When I want to overtake someone else on the footpath in front. I walk quite fast when I’m on my own, though needlessly. It’s worse when I can’t reasonably overtake them, and end up right behind them, at a snail pace. Then I feel self-conscious of looking like a complete twat. If I do eventually overtake, I feel rude. I can’t bloody win.

Being approached by shop assistants. This is annoying anyway, but being in a constant state of turmoil, sweating out of my ears, etc. it’s the last thing I want. God, it makes me so agitated. I want to reply “NO, would you just go away and let me wither and dither in peace”. Instead I just squeak something like “no thank you” and dash out of the shop like a criminal.

Waiting in anticipation at the tills in Primark for the voice overhead to announce the next available cashier. Heart is pounding. Could be me at any moment. Legs are crossed, now my thighs are sweaty. Silently cursing my near-sighted daft badger self for not wearing my glasses, now squinting to make out the till numbers.

I could go on, but no one will want to read this as it is. The nub and gist is, I want to make my way round in public completely unnoticed. With as little human interaction as possible. I feel this need to be invisible can make me come across as antisocial and plain weird. I’m normal when I’m out with someone. Just on my own. Anyone else as batty as me...

You aren't the only person to feel that way about those sorts of interactions, even if your feelings are more extreme due to your anxiety. I know what you mean about the overtaking. But just do it anyway! Likewise the shop assistant thing - they have many more people being actually, actively rude to them.
Could you practise at home what you will say to shop assistants etc, and then you have a line ready?

You're not batty OP anxiety is a terrible thing. Are you on medication?

I hate being approached by assistants too and will avoid eye contact if I can or just say " I'm fine thanks " while walking past them.

Take your glasses out with you if you can it might help you at the till while waiting. I know it's a cliche but I alway find taking some deep breaths helps me and also I never go shopping in a big coat or with lots of layers as this can make me hot and bothered.

I’m “batty” like you! I’ve been in two of those exact scenarios! I don’t necessarily think I’m totally wrong though, I think there should be a fast and slow lane on pavements and I also think shop assistants should leave you alone. If someone wants your help they would ask or, like me, leave and get it off the internet.

I’m pretty normal when I’m out with people because I just follow their lead but I’m getting a lot better at managing when I’m by myself. I don’t enjoy it but I have a plan of where I’m going, what I’m going in for and how much time I should be in the shop.

Incidentally I’m being referred for assessment regarding Autism. I’m not saying that is the case with you but perhaps google Aspergers in women.

Well no one knows or noticing you're sweating or what you're thinking. Past that your interactions are normal. Overtaking, saying no thanks to shop assistants (they make everyone feel stressed ) so I wouldn't worry. There is nothing abnormal about your behaviour.

I feel for you, I'm very much the same.

I avoid going out where possible and have just backed out of lunch plans with a relative today because I find the whole forced conversation thing excruciating. I'm very aware that I might come off as rude to people who don't have or understand anxiety and that does worry me also.

I also find I wear headphones when out to avoid being stopped by chuggers or having to interact In shops.

Currently on no medication and trawling the internet looking for coping mechanisms or herbal remedies that will help me become more human

You're not alone OP I'm really sorry you're struggling too

I had a bit of meltdown In Sainsbury's yesterday at the checkout actually as the beeping noise was SO loud and the operator was either whizzing the shopping down or leaving it right up at the top. I nearly left the supermarket as I felt that awful but then remembered we needed food for tea

I should do it online I know.

I practice interactions in my head all the time agree it's a great way to get yourself comfortable with a scenario before you do it.

I find listening to music helps when I'm out walking, I tend to plug in because it means I'm not 100% in a loop of my own thoughts - would that maybe help with the walking/overtaking thing?

Oh god I feel like we're the same person OP 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Anxiety sucks, but in answer to your question I'm afraid the answer is yes it could do.

I used to be shy and anxious, but age has given me the confidence that I never used to have. If I am in a shop and am approached by someone I usually fend them off by sayingin a friendly manner, that I am only in for a browse. It always works.

DD had a Christmas temp job in a shop and had to approach customers. It was part of the job spec. She said that many were rude and just barked "no". I suspect that some of them were just anxious, and some of them were just rude, but there was no way of telling which was which.

I know I come across as rude but have accepted it. I have ADD so am easily distracted mid sentence, sensitive to noise and busy things etc. I go in to my shell and come across as stand offish I think.

Thank you for all of your supportive responses! I feared some people would say I need to get a grip lol.

@GreatDuckCookery some good suggestions! I agree with the too many layers/big coat. Definitely a recipe for being hot and agitated!

@CaptainMarvel interesting point about Aspergers! That does sound connected, especially in how you say you “follow the lead”, so to speak. I’m a very empathetic person, too good at reading people’s emotions if anything!

@Bluntness I do hope so. I’ve had comments from cashiers saying things like “you’re too shy love”, when I’m hesitant to approach after the last person being served. So people do nothing something amiss!

Anxiety definitely makes me rude. If someone approaches me I’ll try to avoid them. Answers are short and sharp just to get it over with or to stop me saying something stupid.
I can control it if I am expecting something that will cause it, for example if I have to approach someone or if I have to make a call.

I could have written your post myself. Cbt has helped but it’s still awful. 💐

@LoniceraJaponica

That’s good to know that confidence came with age! I’m sort of hoping I’ll go down the same route. I’m 23, and some days feel it’s better, other days worse. Being now a “woman” in my twenties, it makes me more self-aware, because it’s less socially acceptable to withdraw like a shy little girl.

Music helps.

And reminding myself that I'm not in a situation. For example. so what if I didn't realise that it was my turn to go to the till. If anyone is rude about that then they're the ones with the problem.

I've repeated this to myself a lot ("this is not an issue. This is not a situation that needs overthinking") and you know what, it's really helped. I look back in shock at the things that used to bother me.

My favourite. Getting on a train to head to London for an interview. First time doing this sort of thing. Decided to head towards the next carriage to find a better seat. The doors weren't working. For some reason this embarrassed me hugely and so I quickly sat down on the seat by the door. Which happened to be right by the smelly toilets. Anxiety had me glued to that seat for the rest of the journey. Why?!

I look back and think "was that even me?!".

@GreatDuckCookery

The Sainsbury’s story! I feel for you, that sounds bloody stressful! That beeping noise must have tipped you over the edge.

Reminded me of my Card Factory incident last year. I went to pick up a few Christmas bits, wrapping paper etc. It was absolutely packed like sardines. I went to the queue, where there was only one cashier open, serving someone. So I stood and waited, forming what I thought was a nice queue. Who I presume was the manager opened the adjacent till. A customer turned up beside me, and went straight to the new till, and were served (me going unnoticed). This continued to happen; other people being served, whilst I stood there like a hatstand. I could have been wearing an invisibility cloak. Eventually, I was surrounded by a blurred mob of people, all being one after the other. I began to panic, feeling swarmed and trapped etc. So I made a dash through the nearest gap, and went to put the merchandise back. Oh, I was noticed then. The manager lady shouted at the top of her voice “SHES PUTTING IT ALL BACK!”. Everyone turned around and stared. I hastily continued to try putting everything back where I got it. She crossed the crowded shop and began to express her apology, etc. I was so embarrassed, and downright cross at her for making me look like I fool that I dashed out without saying a word.

@FloralTeacup

It’s a myth that people with Aspergers don’t have empathy. It’s more about processing the information and not knowing how to react.

I struggle if people start crying in front of me, I don’t know what to do or how to place myself but I am sad that they are sad even I don’t necessarily understand why they are sad. On the other hand, I’ve been told I give good advice. Some people totally get why I’m being assessed while others are confused, I don’t fit the stereotype.

@OoohAyyye

Are you me?! I can really relate to those! Especially the train incident. I bet then you felt like people thought you were mad for sitting by the toilets! But then you mull over in your head whether to
move or not, your head is whizzing and spinning, should I stay or should I go is playing in the back of your subconscious...

Oh bless you Op, shopping at Christmas can be horrendous without the added embarrassment like you had in the card shop!

Have you been to your GP about how you feel?

Yup, me too. Everything is fraught and over-thought. I have c-PTSD so I'm very easy startled too. Often over nothing.

I was in Primark (theme, here?) in a narrow-ish aisle, looking at finding my size in the jeggings. I didn't notice anyone behind me but when I turned around, a teenage girl was there (not even that close, just THERE when I wasn't expecting it.

I jumped out of my skin. I was terrified for a split second. She saw my massive startled-ness and the genuine moment of terror in my eyes.

She started laughing SO loudly, I'm not kidding, actually doubled over (everyone nearby started looking) and she called to her friend to come over, pointed at me, (I was frozen) and said 'just frightened that lady, oh my gooood, she actually jumped, hahahaha...'

Yeah. Funny for her. And she didn't know. But I couldn't leave the house for three days.

Still avoid Primark. And teenagers.

I can relate to this sometimes (in a pub for example) it's taking so much effort to keep standing and not run away and hide that I know I'm standing with a face like a kipper and people talk to me and get short one word answers and I know they are thinking I'm rude but really I'm just trying not to run to a corner pull my hood and cry. It's hard but I try to myself the people who matter and the people who know me know I'm not trying to be rude.

FloralTeacup you couldn't be more accurate

I think the main reason I stopped feeling anxious is that I realised that people aren't really interested in other people in general, and if you make a tit of yourself in public no-one cares. I used to be told "what makes you think that everyone is looking at you?" And it is so true - they aren't.

When you stop caring what people think then you find it easier to be a little braver, and you can slowly build up some self confidence little by little.