To ask how you stop being a people pleaser?

[PeoplePleaserNoMore]

I need to start saying no.
I need to speak up when someone says something that offends me or that I don't agree with.
I need to stop caring about what people think of me so much.

I just don't know where to start- I hate the awkwardness of confrontation so I tend to bite my tongue and regret it later.

I feel like its negatively impacting my life as I find it difficult to admit when my feelings are hurt therefore leading to superficial relationships/friendships.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Maybe just say, ‘I need to check and let you know.’ or similar if you can’t face simply saying no outright?

Practice and gradually you will get more assertive. However for some of us it’s a default setting. I’m a fixer and constantly have to remind myself that other people’s problems aren’t always mine to solve.

Good luck!

You’re a people pleaser? Well, you’re also a “people”, so start pleasing yourself!
Seriously, Jesus asks us to love our neighbours AS ourselves. Not MORE than ourselves. You are absolutely entitled to consider your own wishes and preferences along with those of others.
Most women are socially conditioned by a patriarchal society to be “nice”, to be self sacrificing, to give way all the time. Bollocks to that! Find your inner feminist, your self esteem, your confidence, and go for it. Try small steps at first - just say “No thanks” to something you don’t fancy doing.
You’ll gain confidence the more you do it, and see that it works. You may even find people respect you more, and like you, because they’ll know where they stand with you, and that if you agree to something it’s genuinely enthusiastic instead of a halfhearted attempt to please.
Good luck, OP!

OP I can sympathise

I’m a people pleaser but a few years ago made the decision to stop doing so much as I was affecting my own physical and mental health constantly putting myself out for others.

What surprised me at first it wasn’t an overnight change. It took a full year to really start getting into the swing of saying “sorry I can’t do that”

As PP said start with small steps - I started by saying “no” to easy things eg. Electricity company calls to change tariff - I gave them a straight “no thanks, not interested” from the beginning rather than let them waste my time waffling on. The more.I started saying “no” people the easier it became.

If I’m put on the spot eg. “Can you help out with this on this date” I have a variety of stock answers.

I don;t have my diary on me at moment, can I get back to you?

Hmm that dates rings a bell, need to get back to you on that

Pretty sure we already have something on that day. I’ll confirm later

Get the picture? This gives you breathing space. You can then go back to said person with a yes or a no (you might want to do it!)

I think I’m about 3 years on now from my original resolution and I find it easier every day.

Last night someone was asking why I wasn’t doing something that THEY thought I should be doing (even though they weren’t doing it themselves)

I looked them straight in the eye and said “because I don’t want to”

They were so shocked they changed the subject. The sky didn’t fall in and I felt great!

Baby steps OP - good luck

I’m the opposite to you but not sure how, I’ve just always been that way & even more so as I get older! I genuinely couldn’t give a fuck what most people think, have no issues saying no if I don’t want to or can’t do something & (unless the situation is inappropriate to do so) I’ll always speak up....saying all of that though I am socially adept & will mostly do all of the above on a charm offensive (people find it far more disconcerting/it has more impact if you handle things with a smile - spiky or aggressive reactions are far too obvious - assertive confidence will get you a lot further).

Maybe there are assertiveness training courses or books you could read? Seriously though (genuine questions)...Why does it matter what people think of you? Why say yes if you can’t or don’t want to do something? Why not say ‘don’t be a dick’ if someone says something offensive? If someone is constantly offensive why have them in your life at all?

My sister was a people pleaser, her husband and our Mother died within 18 months of each other.

Those two people had made her feel bad about herself/ always made her feel indebted and crushed her self esteem.

We talked about this many times but like yourself she just couldn’t or wouldn’t stop it.

You need to look at the root as to why your a people pleaser it’s usually linked to poor self esteem.

My sisters and I had really dreadful childhoods, the difference with myself compared to the rest is I made a decision to move away from the area I grew up in and had low contact with Mother.

As painful as it is you need to look to your past and I would advise some professional support.

Good point adversecamber22

I’m certain that’s where my people pleasing came from - I have had professional support, it really helps

I find it difficult being round people pleasers because you don’t know where you stand with them

Are they doing X because they don’t want to say no or are they going along with it to be nice?

I’d be happier going out to the gym with someone who wants to be there for example than feeling I’ve dragged a people pleaser along.

I like the stock phrases answer above, that could be a great start.

Also just to clarify- the ‘why’ questions are to help you get perspective, I’ve come across versions of them in a professional context previously. If you can work out ‘why?’ & the answer has no foundation/validity
(or even if you can’t work out ‘why’ therefore it becomes ‘well why not change it then if there is no reason for this’!) it can shift your thinking about a situation & help you make a change.

Professional support also a good idea as mentioned by pp’s.

Yeah me too actually, I'd recommend taking that specific problem to a professional counsellor. Best thing I've done for my confidence.

Bit of a long post.

Last year I was very ill. In hospital three times and recovering at home for 14 weeks altogether.

I was, and really still am, amazed that the people I previously tried to please were not the one who visited, sent cards, flowers etc.

Are being ill the first time and resting at home one of my 'friends' sent me a heartfelt plea about how I was the only person who could run the church fete, and the excited puppy I am I started to sort it out. Bearing in mind I was on a committee with at least 5 other people. OH gets home and asks what I'm doing. My computer was taken away, the blanket was put back on my knees and I was given a cup of tea and a strong, much needed talking to.

So I said no and the church fete didn't happen. None of the members of this committee, that I was on for 8 years have ever visited me. I live very close to the church in question, where they go most Sundays and I now don't go.

So now I say, 'no'. Lots more than I ever did. I don't say sorry I'm busy that day, because I know that will lead to negotiation and I'll feel more bad tying myself in knots, and wasting time when 'No' was what I needed to say. I read a book about not giving a fuck and that actually helped. I think of tasks now as part of a fuck budget and with my new close friends we actually say I'm sorry that's not in my budget at the moment.

As Zamo and Faye from Grange Hill said, "Just say no."

I wish you all the very best in your new endeavour xxx

I need to stop caring about what people think of me so much.
People say this to me and I get confused as I don't actually care what other people think of me outside my own little family. I don't know why I people please because it is not to gain favour in any way. I just say yes when what I want to say is a definite no.

Think of it this way...you’ll actually get more respect in general if you’re not a pushover. People will value your time and efforts more if you’ve got the confidence and self-worth to be sparing with them. This will naturally add credence to your opinion and therefore help to raise your social status. When you are able to be choosy and say no to others you give out the message that you value your own time and therefore yourself. You’ll benefit from the self-care.
As well as that, your friendships though possibly fewer in number, will be based on integrity. You can be assured that your friends simply like and more importantly, choose to be in your company, rather than paying lip service so you’ll remain amenable and available. You’ll feel much better about your social life and far less inclined to fire out the ‘like me, like me’ vibes that make people disrespect and take advantage of you.

I used to be a people pleaser but I learned and was brave and can advise all of the above from personal experience.
My son is 17 and very like me...and is currently caught in the people pleasing trap. He has got himself into some pickles doing things for others I know they’d never do for him. I keep reiterating these words and more besides. He’ll learn like I did. It’s hard to watch but he’ll get there.

It’s not being popular that makes you happy, it’s being selective. Trust me on this.

From childhood. I’m a kid of the 70’s.
You didn’t answer back to adults.
I never found a voice.
Domineering, aggressive and violent parents.
I work in a field with highly intelligent and successful people who are light years ahead of my dumb brain and can shoot me down in a second.
I have nothing of interest or intellectual value to offer.
I permanently live in a state of terror at being found out as being shit at my job and thick.

What I do do well is gather people around me that I love and trust and feel equal to. Friends of over 20 years, it’s a small group but I relax with them and can say no, voice opinions, be accepted and liked.
Other than this, I just keep my mouth shut and do what I am told to do.

It’s shit.

Thanks everyone.
Do you think just one counselling session could help get to the root of my problems? I'm not sure I can afford to commit to more than one or two.

possibly - I've had a lot of therapy for different reasons - I often go back if something comes up that I want help with just for one session.

There are some great self help books out there too - worth having a google to see if you can find something that would be helpful

a particularly good one I read was called something like "the curse of being lovely"

my all time favourite is "If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace with Your Past and Take Your Place in the World"

if you didn't have controlling parents, might not be book the book for you though!

I wouldn't say my mum was controlling no.
My dad left when I was 7 and he is one of the people who I feel I have a false relationship with because I don't feel comfortable opening up to him or expressing when he's hurt my feelings.
I'm just constantly going round in a circle of feeling let down when I see him, but not saying anything, I'm constantly debating cutting off contact with him but realise I can't just blank him so carry on having disappointing meet ups that I find really draining.

My people pleasing comes from being the child of an alcoholic. I was conditioned from a young age to comply. I inherently believed that if I was the best, hardest working and most helpful little girl in the world then my dad wouldn't drink, shout, drive drunk etc. Totally faulty belief and of course, no matter how 'perfect' I was, he still did those things. Leading me to blame myself.

I had 6 sessions of counselling to get to the crux of my faulty belief system. That was a year ago and I have improved a lot, although I do have a very perceptive DH who sometimes spots my people pleasing behaviours when I don't, so he helps me.

Just bought this Book 🤞🏻
I haven’t heard from my dad since Christmas so hopefully it gives me some tips on what to say to him when he does ring next.

Great advice! Baby steps is the way to go. Saying no is not always a negative thing. You will (hopefully) find it very liberating!