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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think my SIL is a narcissist and I am really worried about my brother

25 replies

Fox88 · 04/01/2019 00:08

My brother met a girl through tinder 4year ago. They had a brief relationship before she found out she was pregnant but they made a go of it. Since having my nephew she has him numerous times, sometimes worse than others but he always goes back. They recently got married and I thought things were getting better. My brother works away and comes home as often as he can. It recently came to his attention she was cheating on him. Starting with texts a few week before he was due to get married to full on affair a month into marriage. She blamed it all on him, it was his fault for working and not making her feel special. She admitted to everything and gave all the gory details and still played victim. He spent Christmas blaming himself for the break up of his family before agreeing to go back to her. We are a really close family and he’s becoming so distant and withdrawn. He drives a lot with his job and is usually under pressure. I am terrified for his wellbeing and mental health but what can I do?

OP posts:
Family88 · 04/01/2019 00:20

Sorry that should say..
Since having my nephew she has hit him numerous times, sometimes worse than others but he always goes back

IdblowJonSnow · 04/01/2019 00:25

Oh op. This sounds awful. All you can do is be there for him. What a cow. Not to mention unhealthy role model for their child. Can you sign post your brother to some organisations for domestic violence for male sufferers?

Family88 · 11/01/2019 13:44

No, he doesn't see it as abuse that's the problem. He just thinks these are the "bad" bits of the relationship that we all have.

Professionalmum1 · 11/01/2019 18:08

In my experience he will not see her for what she is until he is out of the situation. All you can do is be there for him when she turns.

madmum5811 · 11/01/2019 18:09

Is your nephew safe?

Silkie2 · 11/01/2019 18:12

Tell him they can still be caring parents if they are apart.

Strongmummy · 11/01/2019 18:16

He thinks he’s in love with her and love makes you do stupid things. There’s not much you can do other than express your concerns, ensure your nephew is safe and comfort him when he (hopefully) sees sense and leaves

newplacenofriends · 11/01/2019 18:25

OP I think your name change went wrong there. Unfortunatly people being abused don't normally see it. Be there for him and make sure you stay connected. Maybe get him to talk to a helpline or an organisation that can help. Sorry I can't be more help

Surfskatefamily · 11/01/2019 18:29

She sounds crazy. And in the same way id expect a mother to take custody of her child away from a violent man id say the same here. Is she likely to be physical when nephew is around?
I hope your brother can see what is happening and get away from her

madmum5811 · 11/01/2019 18:37

Narcissists do not use physical violence, they are way more clever than that. Is she using drugs, booze?

madmum5811 · 11/01/2019 18:37

Have a go at this quiz?

psychcentral.com/quizzes/psychopathy-quiz/

madmum5811 · 11/01/2019 18:39

I mean re: your SIL not personally sorry...

Duchessgummybuns · 11/01/2019 18:47

Narcissists do not use physical violence

A bit of a sweeping statement. I’m fairly sure some do, as I know a narc woman that frequently hit her partner. She was (unfortunately correctly) counting on the fact that he would be too ashamed to tell anyone.

SexNotJenga · 11/01/2019 18:55

Doesn't matter whether she's a narcissist or a psychopath or neither. She's an abuser. She's not going to change. The abuse will be harming the child also. OP, hopefully you can get your brother to contact support, even if just for information in the first instance. You could contact them too, they should be able to help you find ways to support your brother. I'm sorry this is happening.

I think my SIL is a narcissist and I am really worried about my brother
Family88 · 11/01/2019 18:58

I don't think she would hurt my nephew and as much as a hate the women seems to be a good mum. She only get violent after having a drink. There is drugs involved, I know she smokes cannabis but not sure of anything else. She works so my nephew does go to a nursery so I'd assume they would pick up on anything untoward hopefully. My parents did have him every sat as she works and majority of time he would end up spending night (so she could go out) but not sure if this will happen now they know everything. Not that they wouldn't look after him but more that she wouldn't want to come face to face with them x

Family88 · 11/01/2019 19:01

Apologies for the confusion with the name Change I am the OP

SexNotJenga · 11/01/2019 19:01

If she's violent towards her child's father she's a shit mum.

madmum5811 · 11/01/2019 19:07

She drinks, takes drugs, gets violent, how do you know your nephew is safe. Your brother works away, so who protects the child?

Family88 · 11/01/2019 20:01

As I say he does go to nursery through week and he my parents at the weekend (my brother if he's back). I've reported all incidents to 101 just so there's a log of nothing else. Police aren't interested unless he reports it directly. As for my nephew as long as she's not causing my nephew direct harm, a parent that uses drink and drugs isn't a major risk not to mention proving it.
My parents have talked about going for full custody or my brother having full custody but in their care obs because of his job. It is an option to take him to where he works but because of the distance he would lose being close to family/friends being at hand and my nephew would probably spend a lot of time in childcare this not benefiting my brother or nephew.

madmum5811 · 11/01/2019 20:05

I would speak to social services rather than the police in this instance. You say he is at nursery. What about at night when your SIL could be drunk, high or both. Get your mother to speak to social services too. Your brother is doing an ostrich.

IJoinedJustToPostThis · 11/01/2019 21:07

OP, your SIL is causing your nephew harm. Minimising won't make it go away. Domestic violence has real, serious and lasting effects on children. Even when they are not the target, it will cause them harm. Read more about it here: www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mental-health/parents-and-young-people/information-for-parents-and-carers/domestic-violence-and-abuse-effects-on-children

Drunk and/or high parents cannot meet their children's needs. It's a serious risk factor.

Your brother might not feel able to seek help on his own behalf, but could he leave her for the sake of his son?

BTW, at your nephew's age, he cannot advocate for himself, nor be expected to know that his home situation is wrong, or who he could ask for help. He needs an adult to help him. Who is it going to be?

Dutch1e · 11/01/2019 21:18

An abusive partner is often an abusive parent whether it seems that way or not. If your brother isn't able to do anything right now (abused people often just can't, it's frustrating but not their fault) are you able to invite your nephew for a few overnight visits and get a feel for his state of mind?

agnurse · 11/01/2019 21:22

You may be able to contact SS or the NSPCC about your concerns re: your nephew. For your brother, any intervention has to start with HIM. Unfortunately it's often harder for men to admit that they're being abused. They may be worried about being seen as "wimps" or concerned that she might claim HE started it and he would be arrested (not a theoretical concern, sadly). Statistically the point when he tries to leave is most dangerous for him.

You might suggest that he consider contacting a domestic abuse hotline and they can offer suggestions and support.

Family88 · 11/01/2019 21:38

He doesn't see it as he is being abused that's my problem. As for my nephew he has stayed with me and other family members for a couple of week over new year. He seems fine and no worry of him coming to any harm. I know this isn't exact information but I'm worried if I really push SS it will make her put him at a distance from us. If that happens there is no way we would be able to check on his well-being. We have been taking notes on all those situations as that is what we were advised to do.

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