I think I already know that I have made a mess of things. Again. DH and I have very different parenting styles. He has no boundaries and as a result I find I always have to rein everything in and it always ends up me being overly strict. I've tried and tried to discuss, we've read books, seen counsellors, but every time there is a situation with DD (who is a v challenging 9 year old with ADHD) he either undermines me or totally absents himself and then afterwards criticises me. He never ever sets any boundaries and all I can see is that she is getting terribly confused. This evening DD was being very rude and aggressive, shouting and screaming about every little thing - I told her that her behaviour was unacceptable and that I wasn't prepared to speak to her until she was calm. DH said nothing. She stomped off upstairs and DH went after her - so I asked him to get her to bed. A few moments later I heard them giggling and laughing and cracking jokes while she was brushing her teeth. I'm sorry but I didn't think that was appropriate in the circumstances. It feels like the message she is always getting is that it's ok to tell your mother to shut up and to throw stuff and get aggressive, because no one else minds about it - only the mother.
I tried to talk to DH about it afterwards but all he said was he didn't agree with me and the next time I asked him to get her to bed he wouldn't do it. I totally get that sometimes the best way to handle bad behaviour is to ignore it and focus on the good, but she has been going off on one ALL DAY and I was tired and I couldn't ignore it anymore. I just felt she needed to be told firmly that her behaviour was unacceptable. And he needed to back me up. For once. Was I being unreasonable? I'm so upset - both DD and I have gone to bed in tears while DH is sitting with his feet up watching the TV.