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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - children at the park?

39 replies

Marmitelover37 · 03/01/2019 20:00

My 11 year old ds and friend were given permission to go to the park to play today. At 12.30pm I sent older son to park to say it was lunchtime and could they come back. Instead of doing this they went to another boy's house to play without permission. I stomped round and extracted them and sent playdate boy home as I was furious that they thought it was ok to go where they wanted without permission - did I overreact??

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 03/01/2019 20:34

Help me understand....They went to the friend's instead of the park, or they went to the friend's after they were told to come home?

I'd be angry about the former but would probably put it down to thoughtlessness rather than deliberate disobedience and just read the riot act. But if I had specifically told my child to come home and they ignored my instructions, I'd be furious and do as you did.

CripsSandwiches · 03/01/2019 20:34

I think as long as there are clear expectations YANBU to enforce a consequence for that (I wouldn't necessarily be surprised or furious if they ignored the consequence but I would do as you did and insist Dc go to their respective homes). It's especially important to make your expectations clear when other kids comes round; this other kid are may well be allowed to go to the park, then pop to a friend's house without having to ask. It's fine if his parents have different expectations but when he's under your care he follows your expectations.

Myheartbelongsto · 03/01/2019 20:37

I wouldn't be furious, that's a bit much.

GoodPlace · 03/01/2019 20:38

You must know their whereabouts - it's for their own safety! It's not the end of the world given that nothing bad has happened (apart from cancelled cinema plans) but it is wrong and they should know not to do it ever again!

Original poster

Marmitelover37 · 03/01/2019 20:40

Sorry if unclear Acrossthepond - they were told it was lunchtime at the park by older ds and so time to come home. Instead they went to another boy's house....so yes went to park as allowed but then disobeyed the request to come home for lunch...

OP posts:

rainbowstardrops · 03/01/2019 20:53

I'm with you OP and I'd be really cross too.
You trusted them to go to the park and to then come home at lunchtime as you had plans and they betrayed that trust.
I'd be telling your DS that if he isn't mature enough to be trusted and to stick to the arrangements then he isn't mature enough to go out by himself. Simple as.

CherryPavlova · 03/01/2019 20:54

I think you were right to maintain boundary. How can you know your child is safe if they don’t adhere to the rules and stay where they have permission to be.

imbluedabedeba · 03/01/2019 20:58

I'm 100% with you OP, completely reasonable to be cross and give a natural consequence

Hushnownobodycares · 03/01/2019 21:03

Sounds fine to me.

I'd have wanted to know where my 11 year old was back in the day and if he'd defied clear instructions deliberately he'd have known about it.

BackforGood · 03/01/2019 21:16

YANBU at all. This is about trust. You need to know where he is / where he is going.
He needs to learn that he will be given freedom to go out and about without you, when he understands that happens when he sticks within the boundaries.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/01/2019 14:23

Thanks for the clarification.

That's deliberate disobedience and deserves serious consequences. You were right to do what you did!

One of the most important lessons we teach our children is that there are rules and there are consequences for breaking those rules. I'd rather have my child learn that lesson from me at 11 when then break my rules, than learn it at 21 from the police when they break the law, or at 31 from an employer when they break work rules and end up sacked.

foxtiger · 04/01/2019 14:35

they went to another boy's house to play without permission

I think there's a big difference going to someone's house without permission and going there against your specific instructions. I can't tell from your OP whether you said to them "you must not go anywhere but the park," or whether your DC is normally allowed to go to other friends' houses from the park. The main problem seems to have been that they weren't ready to come home at lunchtime, but the fact that you sent DS1 to get them suggests you didn't prearrange a time they should be home.

I think, on the amount of information given, I would not react too strictly this time but try to give clearer instructions another time, so they know precisely where they may go and what time they need to get back. If they don't respond to those precise instructions, then might be the time to start imposing consequences.

Tessabelle1 · 04/01/2019 15:38

My kids have strict instructions to cine and tell me if they go somewhere different to where I expect them, for that reason ynbu, how were you to know where they were?

OffToBedhampton · 05/01/2019 07:59

@foxtiger - read OP's update 3/1/18.
Their brother saw them at park and told them he'd been sent to tell them to come home now for lunch. Instead they went to a friend's house. That's deliberate disobedience.

(Also in OP she told them they could go to the park until lunchtime. It was lunchtime. They went elsewhere after the park. She wasn't unclear. They broke her rules)

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