AIBU being pissed off at my partners lack enthusiasm and ambition

[MommaCinders]

Now before you judge me, hear me out, I know I can't expect him to be like me, he's his own person and I don't expect to "change him" but my god it seriously makes me so angry when I'm sat here trying to help him figure out what he wants to do with his life....other than sit in front of his PlayStation day in day out....and what I'm getting back seems to me like sheer idolitis. So I'm looking at what sort of jobs are out there so that when he has his commitments review at the job centre next week, we know what we're hoping to get out of it. I say WE because he already attempted this once on his own and came out of the appointment like a child who had been told off drawing on the walls. He didn't go in with an assertive "this is what I want to do with my life" attitude, so ended up just agreeing with everything the woman said, not making himself and his needs heard and then had a tantrum about it to me when he left. Yeah he soon became vocal when he wasn't in front of his work coach but apparently lost his voice when it was actually important...the end result was him being forced into commitments that weren't tailored to him and he wasn't heard when he tried to talk about courses to better his opportunities in the employment world. Anyway....me being the girlfriend-mum I apparently now am, contacted the job centre and was called back and explained to that the coach he had was new and not quite up to speed with the rules of engagement so to speak. So his appointment was rescheduled and now I will accompany him. Now the thing is, i have no problem whatsoever in supporting him, helping him to convey his aspirations and look for jobs etc but when I'm relaying jobs to him and he only wants to do jobs where not alot is expected of him, it's easy, it's basic, any feeble minded individual could do it, with absolutely no follow on or desire to be anything more than that forevermore and even the jobs that I'm putting to him aren't exactly rocket science but they have a little more responsibility and progression opportunities...it's like I just shit in his cornflakes. He's not a stupid person, he's way more capable than he makes himself out to be. Why is he selling himself short? So am I being unreasonable by being annoyed at him?

'he's capable of a lot more' yet you insist on treating him like a child rather than look at him objectively and realise he doesn't do more because he has no interest in doing anything other than what he is doing. With you playing nursemaid to him.

He's not a stupid person, he's way more capable than he makes himself out to be. Why is he selling himself short?

Because he wants to. He likes being mothered by you, and he likes the fact that nothing is expected of him, and is setting you up for managing his appointments with the work coach -- you will get the blame when he's set up with training or interviews for jobs he doesn't like, or that are 'too hard' AND for you being pathetically pleased if he actually gets an interview for something far below his capabilities. And then you're supposed to fall over yourself with joy when he gets some crappy zero hours job, because he's primed you to acquiesce in him being permanently unemployed.

Strategic incompetence is very much a strategy for some people. Look what it's got your boyfriend -- security, someone to manage him who also sleeps with him.

But the real question is, why have you stayed? What on earth is in this 'mother-child' relationship for you? Do you actually feel sexually attracted to a man who can't even muster the competence to talk at the job centre?

It simply means another pathetic loser bloke is kept from the dating pool.

Dont breed with him.

Good luck!

How long has he been unemployed? What did he do previously?

Not sure what you can do but realistically (IME) JobCentres don’t allow you to do courses unless it’s in the evenings, as if you’re at college/uni in the day then you’re not “available for work” and in breach of the ‘Jobseeker Agreement’.

Why are you wasting your time with this loser?

Do you live with him? I hope not.

Weed?

I agree with PPs but would also say if that’s the kind of job he wants there’s nothing wrong with that inherently as long as he’s working etc. I’d be supportive but after this step back from the organising.

My DH has literally just started a new job after five years of moaning and misery about the one he was in. The change in him with his old job and the effects at home actually contributed to me leaving for a considerable period last year. It was only me stepping away and getting on with my own life that allowed him to take stock of everything I’d said. When I was constantly there to play devil’s advocate or suggest jobs to him, he wasn’t proactive at all.

You know...I expected some nasty comments because I've seen how people talk on here but wow....No he doesn't smoke weed!? Yes I live with him and we have a child together, we lost our second child in July last year, he is a wonderful father to our son and my son. He does suffer from anxiety and struggles to convey things in a clear and understandable way whereas I am very good with words. He is dyslexic and sometimes what he says isn't what he means which is why I help him in that area....He's not a loser that is precisely my point, he is capable and I most certainly do not INSIST on mothering him but since his own mother isn't here to direct him it seems that some of that role has fallen on me and whilst I would love it if he could just figure things out for himself sometimes if I don't step in (and believe me I've experimented) things rapidly turn to shit. But he learns and deals better next time. I kindve agree with some of what Repertory is saying but I'm not sure what sexual attraction or anything sexual for that matter has got to do with this. I'm with him because I believe in working at relationships and being someone's strength where they have weakness. This wasn't meant to be an attack on him as a person, he carries me where I have weakness at times too, it just annoys me whenever we come back to this job subject that he has no ambition or aspirations to be anything or do anything more than the bare minimum. And I'm not his nurse maid...He does more cooking and cleaning than I do!

All I wanted to know was whether I was being unreasonable by being annoyed at him when I'm trying to help him so that we don't have a repeat of last times appointment and he's saying things like, I don't think I could do that, or i stopped listening when you got half way through that list of expectations, that's akot of things to do, I don't wanna do this I don't wanna do that.

MissCharleyP thank you for your response, is it the same if you're on universal credit?

Hisnamesblaine about two years on ESA, we both have been and he worked in retail.

Thank you UbbesPonytail I obviously don't want him doing a job he hates, I've made it very clear to him that I believe everybody should have jobs/careers that they enjoy because this is our lives at the end of the day we shouldn't spend them miserable just for the sake of earning money which is why I'm looking to see what jobs are out there as I know there are things we've never even heard of. I've kindve started taking a step back and getting on with my own life as I start a course this month and have plans of my own but we made a pact last year after everything that we went through that we would give it everything we had this year to get us out of our current situations and I feel like if I'm not there to light fire under him he just stops....He has moment of inspiration and then it just fizzles out.

Why is he selling himself short?

He does suffer from anxiety and struggles to convey things in a clear and understandable way

You’ve (to some extent) answered your own question really...

Yanbu to be pissed off though as he clearly isn’t trying.

And I’d be pissed off too if I procreated with someone who thought it was acceptable to sit on his arse playing station instead of
A. Engaging with/Parenting your child
B. Earning a living and providing for said child.

You might well be outraged by that but your outrage is mostly likely that the above it true. Because honestly if he is on the PlayStation all day, he isn’t a very good father.

Agree with others. Stop breeding with him.

You are fundamentally different people. You can’t force someone to have ambition. You either have to accept that, or find someone more suited to you.

Ambition isn't something you learn. It's something you have naturally.
If you're happy with how he is (you don't sound like you are) let him find his own path in life. Going to the job center with him won't help, he then will have interviews and certainly won't get the job if you go to those with him.
Maybe his role is SATD and yours is to have the career and provide the finances?
Lack of ambition and motivation and self expression isn't something most people would find appealing....but he's your life partner and you have to ask yourself if you can cope with that now and in the long term future.

He's an adult! ADULT. He shouldn't need a mother to direct him. Ambition and aspirations aren't the responsibility of a mother or mother figure. They're inherent in a person. He doesn't have them and you can help organise him all you like, they're not going to miraculously appear.

He needs to get off his ass and into the workforce whether he likes the job or not. Millions of people have jobs they don't love. They have bills to pay and dc to support. If you wait til he finds his ideal job you'll be waiting a lonnnnng time. He should be working at something until he discovers what he wants to do. Not xboxing. You are babying him and pandering. You can't light a fire under someone who is so determined to immediately put it out!

Its nice to have a job you enjoy
Its better to pay the rent and earn money

He still sounds like a loser to me, sorry op. All he wants to do is sit around and play PlayStation. Are you going to go into the office with him when he gets a job to help him be assertive like you are at the job centre?!

Let him get the easy jobs. Once he's built his confidence he will naturally feel ready for the more responsible roles. Or not; not everyone finds fulfillment working outside the home. Take the pressure off about getting the job that YOU think is right for him and just focus on getting any job at all.

If he's not trying to get anything at all, then drop all the ultimatums you want.

There are loads of jobs out there that don't require ambition or very much responsibility. Does he drive? Van driving, bus/coach/taxi...warehouse work? Is he any good with computers?

why don't you become the main earner and let him be a SAH dad - with a part time job? Why is it up to him to have the drive, the ambition and the will to have an exciting career?

I personally couldn't be with that man, and dyslexic has nothing to do with laziness!, but if you are happy with him, take him as he is and go to work yourself.

Sounds like the last 3 years parenting my now 21 year old ds
Leaving him to his own devices resulting in tits up shit that ds has had to get himself out of. That's how they learn right?

Except this is your PARTNER your talking about.

That would be a big deal breaker for me.
He should be equal to you as in the other parent not another child.
I would be giving him an ultimatum and saying that unless he grows up and starts sorting his own shit and responsibilities out I'd be off.

Anxiety is not an excuse op

I and many others suffer with it we don't use it as an excuse to not be pro active

Doesn't matter how much you try and help him unless he's asctively doing it himself things won't change.

Stop making excuses for him and parenting him op. You have dc to parent.

I'm sat here trying to help him figure out what he wants to do with his life...

Don't do that.

I'm looking at what sort of jobs are out there so that when he has his commitments review at the job centre next week, we know what we're hoping to get out of it.

Don't do that.

he already attempted this once on his own and came out of the appointment like a child who had been told off drawing on the walls.

Not your problem to solve.

had a tantrum about it to me when he left

Don't let him make it your problem. Repeat "I'm sorry" a lot. But no suggestions, no advice, and certainly no actions from you.

me being the girlfriend-mum I apparently now am,

Don't be that girlfriend.

contacted the job centre and was called back and explained to that the coach he had was new and not quite up to speed with the rules of engagement so to speak.

Don't do that.

He's not a stupid person, he's way more capable than he makes himself out to be. Why is he selling himself short?

Because he has issues and you are enabling him.

The more you do for him, he less he will be able to do for himself. You need to let him alone to try and fail and try and fail and try and fail. Himself. Not you.

I obviously don't want him doing a job he hates, I've made it very clear to him that I believe everybody should have jobs/careers that they enjoy

Not everyone gets to do that. You are putting the wrong kind of pressure on him - now you expect him not just to find a job, which is hard enough for someone with his issues, but also to find a job he enjoys.

I'm looking to see what jobs are out there as I know there are things we've never even heard of.

Don't do that.

I've kindve started taking a step back and getting on with my own life as I start a course this month and have plans of my own

Yes, that is sensible. Focus on that.

we made a pact last year after everything that we went through that we would give it everything we had this year to get us out of our current situations.

We did not make a pact. You told him what to do and he said yes because it was easier than admitting that he can't and wont.

Momma, you seem to be getting cross and defensive because people are responding to what you said about your partner. You are the one who is throwing around the term 'ambition', but what you seem to mean is getting off his ass, dropping the Playstation and supporting his children. That's not ambition, that's just the economic responsibility of having a child, which he is failing to meet.

You are the one who said he's been out of work for two years, you are the one who described yourself as 'girlfriend-mum', you are the one who said that he wouldn't/couldn't engage with someone trying to help him at the job centre and that you 'had' to step in and call them on his behalf. You are the one who said that he is 'capable' and asked why he was behaving like a stupid person when he wasn't.

Those are all things you said in your OP, not Mn being 'nasty'.

Your OP was complaining about his lack of ambition, but that doesn't seem to me to be the issue at all -- it's not that he doesn't want to work at a high-level job, he appears not to want to work at all, or to take any responsibility for his own life and providing for his children.

We all have weaknesses, absolutely, but we still have to hold down a job and keep a roof over our heads and put food on the table, regardless of whether we're feeling confident and secure or not.

I asked what was in this relationship for you, and whether you were still attracted to this man, because, frankly, having to mother an adult who is supposed to be your partner and co-parent doesn't make for a strong, equal relationship, and sounds exhausting.

I do think that in order to build his confidence he'll have to prove himself capable. Having his girlfriend come with him to meetings and treat him like a lazy school boy won't achieve that. Maybe he's better off in a job that starts a bit more gently to build his confidence. Surely it would be best for you to have faith in him too. By all means talk through things with him if they go wrong but don't react by saying 'well you're obviously useless I'll sort it out for you'.

What sort of jobs are you suggesting to him and what sort of jobs would he apply for if left to his own devices? Maybe there's a gulf between what you think he's capable of and what he thinks he's capable of. Getting a job - any job - might help with his confidence after being unemployed and might lead to him having ambitions of his own somewhere down the line.