To worry about the age gap in my relationship all of a sudden

[Myhenwladfynhadau]

I have been with my husband for nearly 20 years & I love him. We have 2 young kids of 8 and 12 - before we had kids, we travelled a lot together etc.
He is older than me - I am 46 and he is 59. I have never worried about the age gap before as I guess he wasn’t as old as he is now but now I find I am worrying about it. He doesn’t look his age at all & the kids have kept him young. We are happy together so aibu to worry? I guess it’s because he is nearly 60 in a few months and that is, well, old in comparison to my peer group.

Anyone else got experience of this? Aibu?

I'm 30 and my dh is 55 we have 2 very small children. Does it worry me? Slightly, mainly when I think that dh will be well into his 70s when the children leave education. But my thought is that he was the right balance for me, I still haven't met a man that is my age that I have much in common with and don't find very "young". Maybe once I'm in my forties then men my age will of grown up and dh will seem old.

I went into the relationship eye wide open but decided I'd rather have the right match now for however many years (hopefully ages) and deal with a man that needs care and will leave me a young widow. It's better than getting into a relationship where I feel like my partner mother or we're not suited and end up divorced.

So what's the problem? Is it the look of it?

My MIL and fil have 20 years between them.she is now 60, he is 80, and it is very very much now showing. He doesn't leave the house, is getting dementia, needs a lot of tending to and looking after and she is still young. She started to feel the age gap about 15, 20 years ago. It does start to make a difference, the longer you are together.

I’m not going to beat around the bush. You are right to be worried.

18 year age gap between my parents. First 20 years - no problem.
Then thinhs went to pot in many levels when my father hit mid sixties and mother still in mid forthies.

From a health perspective but more significantly a life-approach perspective

Yanbu, My DH is 66 to my 48 and Although I was never bothered about our age gap (he was more so) the last 2 years there has been a noticeable change and the gap has become more apparent, more in what he is capable of or wants to do, he is definitely less tolerant and his energy level has dropped which effects our shared hobbies. However he is still a wonderful husband.

There are 21 years between my husband and I. I think that on some level it does worry me slightly at the back of my mind. But I love him so much and so I compromise—yes, he doesn’t have the same energy levels as me but I have independence and am happy to do things alone or with friends if he doesn’t want to. I don’t think that compatibility will just suddenly change because you’re both getting older. I think it just requires a bit more awareness of the other person’s different needs.

YANBU to think about this, in the sense that we always need to keep evaluating and contemplating our relationships and responding to change. But it sounds like nothing is actually wrong yet? Make sure you carry on treating him as if he is your age and don't let him slip into an 'older man' role!

YANBU to have concerns, but I'd try to look at it this way: Whatever happens in the future, you've already had many wonderful years together (not to mention your children), and no-one's future is certain.

If you'd married a man your own age, or even younger, there would have been no guarantee that accident, illness, or some other vagary of fate wouldn't have intervened and changed your circumstances years ago.

Maybe once his upcoming milestone birthday passes, you'll find yourself thinking about it less, again.

I'm 37, my DP is 56 and our son is 1yr. I do worry, but you know, my friend's husband dropped dead at 32 and left her with two kids. Life does not follow a pattern and I knew what I was doing having a baby with an older man. We are happy and yes, he does struggle physically sometimes. But we are a good together and I don't regret a single second. We could all spend time thinking and worrying about tomorrow but that sucks the joy out of today. YANBU OP, I think it's normal to think like that.

Life does not follow a pattern

Well it does actually

The older one gets, the much more susceptible people are to illness - both mental and physical.

YANBU OP. I’m 57 and DH is 68. TBH it’s not the age gap as such that worries me. Not that much difference between 60 and 70 these days, and I know people who have married younger people than themselves and have been widowed. We are childless, not by choice, and don’t have much in the way of close family - he’s an only and I have one older brother who lives quite near with his wife and child. So I do get worried about the future sometimes but try to live in the moment.

There is a similar gap between me and my husband. I'm not worried yet - I'm early 30s and he is mid 40s. But I realise that the last few years of his life are likely to be tricky for me, and that I'm likely to be widowed young (probably in my 70s). I just keep telling myself that we will probably have about 40 years of happiness together before that happens, so there's no point me ruining that by worrying (and I'd rather be in a happy marriage for 40 years than a shit one for 50 years).

I'm nearly 50 and DP is 65 and he's become far less tolerant and "tetchy" in the last year or so. He doesn't want to get up in the morning, has an afternoon liedown, and has less energy to do anything. His to-do list is getting longer and longer because he won't accept that he's no longer young and as strong as he was nor will he accept any help. It's frustrating and very difficult at times.

I know it's not helpful to OP, but it did make me think that my Ex was 10 years my senior, and left me (and DCs, after a long marriage) for a woman 10 years my junior. So I'm hoping that there's a bit of karma going on there

A 10 year age gap never really bothered me (though that was a while ago now). 20 years would, however.

There's a 16 year age gap between my husband and I and it worries me as we get older, bit late now though as we have two young children.

There’s 25 years between me and DH and we have a baby. There are going to be struggles and pitfalls for an age gap relationship but at least you know what they are likely to be. My DF was 61 when I was born and he lived well into his eighties so I was grown up and moved out by that point. I have two friends who both lost their fathers When they were only 40-odd so nothing is certain either way. Life is always a bit of a gamble. My DH will be well into his seventies by the time my DD finishes education but she will have had a wonderful father who loved her. Not everyone can say that...

I’m not going to beat around the bush. You are right to be worried.

^25 year age gap is crazy

My auntie and uncle had a 20 year age gap. They met when she was in her 30s, then he became ill in his 70s and died, leaving her a widow in her 50s.

I know people can die at any time but I wouldn’t be with someone so much older than me because there’s a higher chance that you’ll need to act as their carer and watch them die while you’re still fairly young.

I'd have said five years ago that i was glad that there wasn't a big age gap between me and DH, but now I fucking hate him so would gladly swap him for someone who was a decent human being but older.

Myhen, can't pm you, not sure why. Just wondering if you had reached any resolution with this anxiety because I am in an almost identical boat to you.

12 year age gap here. Apart from the obvious issues of later life care when one of you may be in better shape, mu biggest concern is with retirement planning. My husband could retire at 55 as he has a good defined benefit pension and his company restructure a lot so the option of early retirement comes up quite regularly, but I will only be 43, and so technically have another 25 years to go before state pension/retirement time when he will then be 80. So an awful lot of my money now goes to my pension or savings to enable me to retire as early as I can to make some kind of retirement together possible. It’s not the sort of thing my friends with small age gaps have to worry about.