“D”H and I having problems

[Changedforthis2019]

DH got made redundant a few months ago. I know this can have a negative impact on both mental health and family dynamics. However, he now has a new job that he starts on Monday.

I’ve been supportive. So bloody supportive and he has just taken the piss and been an arse. And he’s still being the same! I have had massive health problems lately, but it’s still my problem. I am on the sofa tonight not him (he snores and refuses to accept how bad it is - I ended up on the sofa the day I had a liver biopsy, which I needed morphine for...). He is basically just making sure the DDs are dressed and fed. But ignores everything else and schedule and commitments, the fact that, like him, I need time to get myself ready for the day.

I do love him, on one level,but he’s being such an arse I don’t see how I can carry on. Any advice? Aibu to be really pissed off right now? I feel ignored, unlistened to and unconsidered. The girls adore him, but they can already see he doesn’t listen to me or consider me.

Have you had a conversation about his behaviour? Is he undertaking to mend his behaviour and within an agreed timescale?

He says he’ll be different but keeps being the same and gets annoyed I’m getting grumpy, even though I point out to him why I’m grumpy every time.

It feels like he’s got used to me letting him get away with not giving a crap to the extent that he now thinks it’s ok behaviour....

It feels like he’s got used to me letting him get away with not giving a crap to the extent that he now thinks it’s ok behaviour.

It is reading like it's his new normal. Has he agreed to a timetable to change but not done it?

What does he think he's teaching your DC about relationships and how they should allow others to treat them?

I do think there's a point beyond which being supportive is no longer recognised and some people take it as their due entitlement. However, they lose the ability to be accountable and there's a point at which that spills over into their work life as well as their home life.

If you've discussed this and he isn't willing to commit to a timetable for which you will witness improvement and positive change - is this something over which you need to consider a break-up? If so, is this something you would benefit from discussing with a Relate or similar counsellor?

Hi, @Changedforthis2019
I'm sorry to hear that you are frustrated about this. I went through the same problem and it was really annoying. DH kept losing his job every couple of months or the contract kept finishing which meant he was out of work for a couple of weeks. He got frustrated easily and wasn't his normal self at all. He wasn't really interested in me sexually as well and just treated me kind of as a friend and wasn't affectionate in general.
I talked to him about it and it didn't make much of a difference. In the end the only thing that I could do was wait it out, and when he got a job he felt better. I don't really understand what went through his mind. Only thing I can assume is that that sort of thing happens when some men get stressed - it must depend on their personality. I think that maybe you should just go with the flow and wait it out, even though it must be hard and not that great. Lots of love xxx

Is it possible that your own health problems are making it seem worse at the moment, OP? I know you feel you have been supportive towards him but do you feel he wasn't as supportive to you when you needed it during your illness? Do you have anyone else you can vent/get a bit of support from other than your DH?

The snoring, for instance - presumably that was going on well before he lost his job. I agree that you should have had the bed near the time of your biopsy but I can also see that it might have come across as a bit 'look at me' to spend the night on the sofa! If you are so grumpy that he notices (and it may be the grumpiness that your children notice too) I am thinking that it might just be a bad time for both of you at the moment, really bad timing for the redundancy to happen at the same time as your health issues.

I hope your health is improving, that his new job goes well on Monday and things return to balance for you both very soon.

In the end the only thing that I could do was wait it out, and when he got a job he felt better.

It's sensible to have a time limit on the waiting it out to see signs of improvement.

A family member lost 15 years waiting it out with someone who took the care, support, and thoughtfulness as his entitlement to do even less and behave even worse. The sadness of this is multiplied if this is taking place during childhood and this is the model that children see playing out.