This year was supposed to be a fresh start after the horror that was last year (manic episode, nervous breakdown, abusive ex, difficult children etc) but I feel more depressed than ever. I really don't know what to do anymore. I'm struggling to go out, get out my pjs, wash or do anything really. My medication has been messed with so many times I don't know which way is up.
I don't want to be/am not able to be a mother at the moment, I either fly off the handle at them or just sit/lie on the sofa while they create chaos around me. The noise they make I find extremely stressful, the mess they make upsets me, I can't keep on top of washing and ironing. I took and accidental overdose last week because I wanted to numb the pain and sleep, this hasn't helped my daughters mental health. I have a nurse, great GP, psychiatrist, supportive parents, I'm reading literature on my illness, trying not to drink, meditating taking my meds and nothing is changing. I was running but an injury and not wanting to go out means I haven't been for a few weeks. Oh and I also have a nasty case of tonsillitis, can barely speak and look a mess! I'm so frustrated of feeling this way and I also feel very lonely and misunderstood. I've lost count of the amount of people who have told me to just snap out of it, look at the positives, look at what you have, there are people worse off than you- this makes me feel even worse and guilty for being so miserable. I need a rest, a proper rest, but I've nowhere to go. I've never been depressed for so long and I'm so close to just giving up, even my children aren't motivating me anymore. How can I get back what I had? I feel like I need more intensive therapy daily for a months or something but I can't afford it. Once a week is expensive enough!