What would you do? **Possible Trauma Trigger**

[TreesGreen]

Mumset - please edit thread title if I've not done it properly.

I've seen an article today (Daily Fail) and after the initial trigger I'm left reeling with a dilemma. It was about a brave woman speaking out sibling abuse.

Please, be gentle, but I need honest opinions. I'll try to not make this too long.

My childhood was awful. Unhappy home, emotional neglect, abandonment and my brother (older by 2 years) sexually abused me from age 8-11. I have had no contact with him since I was 12.

Fast forward 20+ years.

Complex, low contact relationship with my DM, no contact with DF.

DM has had a relationship with my brother for the past 3 years. Before this, she had no contact with him since he was 14.

She sees him monthly. She continually pushes me to have contact with him, I have told her quite bluntly it's not going to happen. She's stopped pushing but I get told what he's up to - she just drops it into conversation. Like little bombs.

I now know he has a small child of his own and she gave him £50,000 to help him buy a house. She has form for trying to compensate her guilt as a shit mum with generosity.

It's her money, it's none of my business what she does with it. My concern is the child he has had. I have NO idea if this child is at risk.

If I report him to be investigated, it would affect so many lives, and what if the child is not at risk and I open these wounds for nothing?

I have recently been diagnosed with cPTSD from the trauma and I'm finally getting help, but it's overwhelming to even consider anyone apart from my therapist knowing about this.

I'm so fucking pissed off. I'm the one with anxiety, scared if my own shadow, battling to just get out my own front door but every other member of the family like my DM and DB get to live happily and get on with their own selfish lives without any of this turmoil.

What would you do?

I would say report him, but it's easy for me to say that. There is of course a chance they will say not enough evidence and nothing will happen.
You definitely should reduce contact with your mum as much as possible. It's not good for you and she sounds manipulative.

I'm so sorry for what you went through

Maybe professional advice and support would help you decide. Napac?

I think you need to wait until you have had more therapy before you make a decision. So sorry to read your story. I am assuming your mum doesnt know.

Hugs. I would go no contact with your mother as you could do without hearing what bastard brother is up to. I would report him too. It is up to you though - you need to prioritise yourself.

I experienced similar from a sibling 3 years older. They never had DC of their own but I don't think I would have considered reporting them if they had. They were a child too after all and I reconcile it with the thought that something traumatic in all likely hood made them behave that way to me. That's not to say I have forgiven them.

I blame my mother more than my sibling. If we weren't raised in such a dysfunctional, toxic environment, I always wonder if it would have happened at all.

Your brother would have been aged 11-13 OP? Are you aware of him carrying out any further abuse when he older. Do you know what kind of person he is as an adult?

Are you saying he was age 8-11 or that you were?

I would think that an 8 year old abusing another child is horrific but that they were probably a victim themselves in a different way - where had they learned the behaviour from, where were the parents in all this etc? However, if he was 13 and you 11 it's all a bit different and more predatory, (although still raises some similar questions about what happened to him to cause the abuse).

Is the contact with your mum actually healthy for you? She sounds like she might be a big part of the problem, both in the past and now

I really don't know what the answer is in terms of reporting him I'm afraid, I can see why it is so hard for you

@BattyGirl thank you so much for posting - that's exactly as I feel. We both had a toxic environment and as an adult looking back I've wondered if his abuse was a symptom of his neglect too. I don't forgive him but I try and see it in that context.

Well, from what DM says (before I change the subject) he's very quiet, extremely reserved, (she was disappointed and hoped he'd be more 'chatty' when they reconciled) has had the same job since he was 16. Married, then their child was born. No hint of anything else at all. DM sees grandchild every month when my DB visits her. DM says grandchild is fun, cheeky, confident and sweet. This makes me feel better, but I can never be sure.

Sorry, to clarify, was age 8 when it began.

What an awful situation. I'm sorry you went through this op. I agree with someone up above who said to have some more therapy before making a decision. Do you think he was being abused elsewhere? 10 is quite young for him to be sexually assaulting.

Does your DM know about this?

OP, first of all so sorry to hear that you have had such a traumatic childhood experience.

I have posted several times about the sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of my father from the age of 7- 19 or so. My mother found out a number of occasions but chose to brush it under the carpet as he promised he would change his ways etc, etc. Of course that didn't happen and I had the most horrendous childhood.

I maintained contact with my parents as I was ashamed of what had happened and wanted to present a 'normal' family front. I never told anyone what had happened to me until about ten years ago when one of my brothers asked me out straight why I wouldn't go and visit parents now they had moved to Ireland. I swore him to secrecy, but he did tell another brother.

This all came to a head early last year when my other was ill, and I went to look after father. The upshot is that my father, who was in his 80's, tried to attack me one night. It brought back all the memories and I knew that he hadn't changed. At that time another brother was able to come and get me away. I decided then that I had to tell him what had happened as he was thinking about moving him family into the parents homes to look after them. His wife went balistic with me and said I had put her children at risk...

Fast forward a couple of months, my mother emailed to say that brother and family were moving in with them and leaving house to brother etc. It was my turn to go balistic. I was totally horrified that my brother and his wife could think about moving his children into that house. I then decided to go no contact.

Fast forward a bit more, and my father has died. I didn't go to his funeral, which I believe was one on a level with a royal funeral and done to save face because that is what is expected where they live.

Now that that my father is dead, my brother and his family have moved in with my mother and she has cut her other children out of will etc. I actually don't give a damn about money, but it hurts so much that she has favoured one sibling especially that I suffered so much.

On a positive, for me going no contact has been the best thing that I could ever have done. I wish that I had done it years ago.

From what I have read from your post, I would seriously consider breaking contact with your mother (I have presumed that she does know about your brother's abuse of you as you haven't seen him since you were 14), and she does not respect your feelings if this is the case. It hurts too that my brother has engineered this situation and is happy to shaft his brothers and sister to his advantage.

With regards to reporting your brother, I would think very seriously about doing that. I appreciate it would be difficult to do, and you may want to take professional MH advice/support. However, from my own experience I really wish I had done this years ago. That option is no longer open to me as my father is dead, but I have been told that I can still make a postumous complaint if I wish. I am thinking about this seriously. The reason I say this is because I spent years thinking that my father was repentent for his abuse to me, but I found out that he was far from that when he tried to attack me as when he was a old man. My mother brushed this all away as me making a fuss and he couldn't get up to anything as he only had one eye!!!!!!

Sorry to go on about me, but I what I would like to stress is that for me going NC has been the best thing I could do, and has brought me so much peace.

I hope things work out for you OP xx

I have no idea about the possibility of him being abused - no idea at all.

No, DM knows nothing. I had a lot of issues growing up due to the stress of the 'home' environment & we had a terrible relationship (she turned violent) and she just blamed me being difficult. Her presence in my life was intermittent.

Sadly I was abused and assulted again as a young teenager (I was vulnerable and never knew I could say 'no') so I never wanted to open that can of worms with her. She'd make it about herself and she'd blame me. I couldn't take that.

@StillNumb I'm so sorry for what you went through, and thank you so much for posting. It's easy to feel very, very alone with this stigma of trauma.

I think you're right. I really do need to consider no contact. If I report DB, I think she'd NC me anyway.

I feel that as he was a pre teen/teenager when he abused you, and only stopped because you were separated, I would raise it with social services personally. Just to have it on record, and say you know he now has children and whilst you've no major reason for concern, they'll be able to decide whether he's worth a visit or worth visiting the child to assess.

I'm sure this can be done without your name being mentioned, but not sure what reason they'd give (if they even have to) for investigating..... you'd have to be prepared for it to come out just in case, and if you're not ready for that then without any real signs of the child being neglected, best to leave it until you are.

Best wishes

OP, the fear of blame was a big thing for me and why I hid it for so many years. The fear of shame too. I guess I am quite a bit older than you, so have had longer to come to terms with what happened to me.

I reached a point where I was no longer able to hide what had happened to me. I have been lucky that I have been able to confide in a couple of close friends who have been so supportive and helpful. I have also had counselling through Rape Crisis, which was also helful. The counselling helped me realise that I had made the right decision by going NC, but also most importantly believed my story. This was important as my abusive parent had drilled it into me that no one would believe me.

My best wishes are with you OP, and I hope that you have a brilliant and positive life xx

OP, I really wish I had reported my father. It would have been night on impossible years ago, but then the Jimmy Saville case and similar raised awareness. At that time I was under the allusion that he had changed his ways... I am not going to spend time dwelling on what I might have done, but I do take a satisfaction that there would have been a lot of gossip at the old b's funeral as to why the daughte didn't turn up! They live in the West of Ireland where they place a lot of store by these things apparently. That's another story, where people put face over suffering :(

thanks StillNumb, that's it exactly, the fear and shame. To the core. My worry is not being believed, like it must be my fault. But I'm getting help now so I'm keeping my head up. I've got a lot to be grateful for as an adult, especially my wonderful husband. I've not told him but I think in the future I might.

How are you now, if you don't mind my asking? Is life happy and positive for you?

TreesGreen Not being believed is what I worried about, but in the end that wasn't the case. For me, to finally tell other people what had happened to me was liberating. Have you got any close female friends who you can confide in? I have two, who I sort of accidentally chose to tell because it happened to be the right time. They have been very supportive, although we don't talk about it very often now by my choice. I don't want the sexual abuse to define who I am, but I do find it really helpful to have someone to speak to when something unhelpful has happened.

Have you contacted Rape Crisis? A number of people of here recommended that to me, and I was very apprenhensive about doing it, and also felt ashamed. It was the best thing I could have done. As I said earlier, the most positive thing for was that they believed my story and were able to offer a little bit of constructive support. I was offered 12 sessions, but stopped after 6 as I felt that I had come to the end of the support they could give me at that time though.

For me, I really do feel that I have reached a positive time in my life. I am happy and enjoy my life. I have found that I have started to distance that part of my life and move on, and it feels like it is moving further away.

Please feel free to ask me any other questions, I am happy to answer if I can xx

I don’t think making a decision right now is the right thing for you OP

Focus on therapy and explore this

It’s like the Airplane ‘life mask’ analogy - you have to be in a Slightly more stable place

I am Desperately sorry this happened . I also agree NC with your mum for a while

Sorry 😐. I wish you healing dear OP

I was abused by a teenager when I was 8. Many years later I discovered through the grapevine that he was married and had two children.

I agonised over it but ultimately didn't report it as I couldn't face turning my whole life upside down at that point as I was already in a bad way with my mental health. Still wonder if that was the right choice. There was no evidence, it would have been my word against his, I don't suppose it would have even got to court.