Am I being unfair to ex? (Contact related)

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Court ordered contact between Ex and DD aged 3, one afternoon a week for a couple of hours, supervised by his family.

I am allowed to stop contact for any reason for up to 28 days at a time (to allow for holidays); it states this in the CAO.

I try not to change contact at all and rarely do. DD only sees her dad during this time as he refuses to attend her appointments, Nursery parents evenings etc. He also won’t phone he between as he blames me for the split and it’s my fault he no longer sees his child daily so I try not to mess contact up for her sake.

In a few weeks DD has been invited to my friend’s house for tea as it’s her DDs 4th birthday. The invite is for the exact time of contact.

So I’ve asked if he can do earlier in the day just for that one week, not to cancel it completely just change it so she can see her dad and see my friends DD – the little girl has only invited my DD and another child so it’d be a shame to let them down (plus I get a lot out of the friendship with the mother so would like to go).

All hell has broken lose, both Ex and his mum are texting me calling me every name under the sun, saying I’m horrible because I know Ex works and he can’t just drop everything to see DD whenever I deem him worthy.

They can’t take me back to court as all further applications have been blocked until DDs 5th birthday (18 months away) but I now feel guilty, I want DD to have a normal life see friends have fun but I feel awful for Ex even though I am following the CAO.

AIBU? Do I give in?

As you very rarely change contact I don't think YABU. Can you offer alternative times / days (not just earlier in the day on that same day) - would that help? Or is he just being a twat?

Does your CAO actually state you can stop contact at anytime for up to 28 days or is that the standard disclaimer bit at the bottom which says the parent named as resident may take the child and leave the country for up to 28 consecutive without permission from the other parent?

I think if he can't do it because of work then yes YABU but if he's just being awkward for the sake of it then no. The abuse and name calling is obviously not on either. If the tea is only for 3 little girls could it possibly happen on another day?

Ask if there is any other afternoon that suites.If not then cancel and take your dd to her party.
Keep all messages although you probably know this.I think that while it is important to maintain contact with her dad having a normal childhood with social events is important too.

Could you talk to your friend and explain DD can’t attend then, perhaps she could invite friends DD to your house for another tea or lunch instead? Ince your friend n own, she may well offer to shift the time (I know I would have for such a small party).

Also the change contact for any reason - I think that’s to go on holiday, not to change plans if you have something you’d prefer DD to go to.

CAO states that I can stop for any reason it was because Ex can be controlling and we split due to DV from him towards both me and DD, and he told court he won't do anything fun with her.

He doesn't work on the day he sees her that's why it's that day that contact is on and why I suggested earlier in the day.

I would stick to the court order - and report his and his mother's abusive messages to the police.

Well done for getting away from him btw.

He's being a twat. Tell him DD has a party to go to, and as it is to her benefit to go she will be unavailable that day. Tell him if he'd like to give you another suitable time for contact that week you'll be happy to accommodate it, if not she'll see him the following week. Keep all messages.

He doesn't work on the day he sees her that's why it's that day that contact is on and why I suggested earlier in the day.

So he is just being awkward then.
A decent loving dad/GP would want theur child to have fun.

What a twat!

Let her go to the party. Send him a list of alternative dates & times and say if you carry on the abusive messages you will report him to the police for harassment.
This is going to come up a lot once she's in school, kids get a lot of party invites, play dates or she might want to join rainbows or an after school club.

So he is just being an awkward git. Hopefully his daughter will see through all this in time. Poor kid.

I think you need proper legal advice. A CAO wouldn't usually say it was ok for either parent to stop contact for any length of time other than the standard 28 days holiday disclaimer and it shouldn't be encouraged for any reason even with cases of DV,
Having said that if there is DV involved the last thing I would want to be doing is aggravating the situation.
At the end of the day and rightly or wrongly those are the contact dates and times and you have tried your best to be flexible and offer an alternative but given that you couldn't reach one between the two of you I don't understand how you can justify stopping contact for it? For what benefit to the situation?
Whether he could make any further application to court or not is irrelevant really, you don't want to give him any reason if he ever did take it back to sit and say that you breeched a CAO because your daughter had a play date somewhere else that could also be rearranged. It wouldn't look great.
I'm not saying that's right but that would be the fairest way I could see it having worked in those scenarios. Somebody with more knowledge will be along I'm sure and like I say I'd really recommend getting legal advice properly.
The best thing you can do is try and stick to what's agreed or communicate to try and be flexible but stopping contact is never good for the child without genuine safeguarding concerns.
Your dd is only 3, how are you going to manage when she's got a busy social life? Cut contact with her dad once a month? Most people have these problems who have rubbish exes and have split up and have to face up to the fact that they either coparent and negotiate which you have tried to do or the child misses out sometimes which feels awful but things get rearranged when they can.