How do you teach a young child to keep safe from sexual abuse

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When I was younger I wasnt taught anything about sex or my body or keeping myself safe. I went through traumatic CSE. I have a very young DD and I want to protect her from this in future. I am very paranoid to leave her (even with family) but I'm getting therapy for this. It would be very reassuring to know I'm teaching her the right things but obviously I never learned myself. So any advice/materials would be much appreciated. Thanks!

I think that there are things you can do to help children understand its good have boundaries, tell an adult etc.

But I think what you’ve posted (whilst I understand it, and why) puts an unfair burden on the child to be responsible for their safety- when actually the adults need to/ should be responsible. It’s a bit like victim blaming IYSWIM?

Did you / do you harbour any feelings of self-blame for what happened, have you explored these with your therapist if so?

I’m sorry for what happened to you. It must be very hard navigating this with your daughter.

The NSPCC has a safeguarding advice scheme for parents and young children called PANTS - here

She needs to know that she can tell you anything because you can always make things better, regardless of what anyone else says. Im far from an expert but I told mine that the bits covered by their swimming costumes belonged especially to them so if anybody tried to touch them and they were uncomfortable then they were always allowed to say no and then tell me about it.
Dont make your children scared of everyone though OP.

The pants dinosaur resource through the NSPCC is really good. Just have a Google.

Teach her the proper names for her body parts . Show no embarrassment or shame about your body or her body. Do not tell her that any part of her is "dirty" or "bad". All of these measures will help her have confidence when talking to you about her body.

Teach her that it is always ok to say NO to being touched, tickled, kissed or hugged. She can say NO to mummy, daddy granny, grandpa, friends etc. I know it's tricky but try to always ask her permission to touch her(unless it's an emergency).

Teach her the swimming costume rules. In our society it is not appropriate to show people any part of your body that is under a swimming costume or for anyone to ask to see these parts of you or to touch these parts of you. Sometimes mummy/daddy/other trusted adult may need to help her with e.g. bottom wiping but no one else.

Teach her that you don't keep secrets in your family. You can keep surprises - they are nice... like presents or cards. Secrets aren't nice and we don't do them and if any one asks her to keep a secret she should tell you.

Nspcc as stated above do some good work sheets ect. Also schools now do alot of work on CSE unlike when we were young so she will get alot of information when she is age appropraite

Teach her the correct words for her privates and all other body parts.

Teach her not to keep secrets from you. Surprises are different. Teach her the difference between a surprise (what she’s made for you for Mother’s Day) and a secret. Tell your friends and family never to ask her to keep secrets (even things like don’t tell mummy I let you have smarties) teach her that if anyone ever asks her to keep a secret she should tell you straight away but she doesn’t have to tell the person who asked her that she’s is telling you/has told you.

Talk openly about things like sex periods how babies are made (in an age appropriate way of course)

Talk about consent. Teach her that she doesn’t even have to hug someone if she doesn’t want to and that she should tell you if she is being forced to.

Teach her how to tell you when she is uncomfortable with anything. She won’t always know the right words to say to describe her feelings so help her label them.

I suppose it's about empowering her with information and knowledge of her rights rather than bombarding her with warnings and fear.

Having experience childhood sexual abuse myself I share your fears. With my kids we started with looking at the nspcc pants rule, we also have a lot of conversations about private parts are private, your body your choice ect (I say a lot.. whenever it feels natural to talk about it I try and reinforce the message). I don’t force them to give goodbye hugs and kisses.. again their body their choice. We don’t keep secrets in our house, we talk about the difference between a surprise (like a birthday present) and a secret.

Use tv programmes/books etc to discuss appropriate behaviours.

Consider how you respond to things like her telling you jane snatched her pencil on school. Don’t be dismissive of this stuff, let her know you are listening even if it seems like a non event to you.

Lastly, and I know this is personal to me so may not apply (I hope it doesn’t tbh) I didn’t tell my mum I was being/had been abused because I’d heard her comment on sexual assaults in the news with comments like “stupid girl, that’s why I’m always telling you girls never to get drunk/Be on your own/dress like a tart” it was victim blaming bingo tbh and I already knew at 8 years old that I was to blame for being alone with my abuser, not screaming, not fighting him off. My mum would be horrified now to discover I had been abused and she was the reason I never told. She would also deny any of those words ever left her lips. Recent public cases have confirmed my fears though. She still believes all she said.

I have a son who is coming up 5 and we’ve been watching and singing the NSPCC PANTS song for about 6 months now and we watch it about once every 3 days.

He understands what his ‘private parts’ are and calls them penis and testicles. We have told him that nobody should touch them unless there is something wrong with them - I.e a GP or in a hospital. He knows that other people have private parts and he is not to touch them.

We also have a rule that if during any rough play or tickling etc he says “No more” then we automatically stop. We want him to know that he has the right to stop things being done to him by an adult if he doesn’t like it.

We also talk a lot about how me and his dad are his best friends as well as his parents and he can tell us absolutely anything, and that if anyone ever does something that hurts him or scares him etc then he must always tell us because we will do everything we can to keep him safe.

I’m very sorry to hear of your own experiences OP and I hope you find a way to come out of it the other side

I definitely don't want to scare her, or make her think everyone is bad. My problems are my own and not hers to deal with. I just want to reinforce protective behaviours and teach her not to keep that stuff from me. Thank you all for your advice and I'll have a look at the pants nspcc site. I also like the no secrets just surprises and the swimsuit rule.

For me (also experienced childhood SA) the biggest thing we teach DD is that body autonomy applies regardless of who she is with. If she feels comfortable enough being able to say to somebody she knows well that actually she doesn't want a hug/kiss etc, then she will have the confidence to say no to anybody else.

As an aside, I have always been told to stay away from the swimming costume analogy as it can lead to confusion as it sends the message that any skin that wouldn’t be covered by swimwear is still allowed to be touched by other people. I was told it can also cause confusion as to why a young girl’s torso cant be touched (swimming costume) but a young boy’s torso can be touched because he’s wearing trunks? And then throw in bikini swimsuits which very young children wear these days and it adds another layer of what can and can’t be touched just because of the choice of swimwear.

I was also told it can bring up issues of a girl “asking for it” if she is touched somewhere that wasn’t covered up, if that makes sense?

It was just put across to me that using that absolutely can cause a lot of confusion and mixed messages etc and that I should just enforce to him the rule that nobody should touch him anywhere that he doesnt feel comfortable with.

We are very open and honest with our kids. We show affection in front of them, we talk about love, sex and relationships openly in front of them. My parents were the same with us so no subject was ever taboo, and we always felt comfortable talking to them about anything. And it really paid off when I was raped as a young teenager, I felt no hesitation or embarrassment about going to my mum and dad straight away about it.