to worry about treating DSD differently to DS??

[Gramz]

We have a brand new DS. DSD is 7. We are already sending him to swimming lessons and I go to baby groups with him. I was talking about how I would love to send him to lessons of any kind when he's older (music, sport, whatever he fancies/is good at). We can afford to do it and are very lucky in that sense.

DSD has a bit of a meltdown as her mum doesn't send her to any hobby groups. She asked if we could send her but we don't have her regularly enough or for long enough to. Every other weekend and most of the things she wants to do (gymnastics, netball) require every week (unless we travel miles and miles - over 50).

How do we manage the differences in their lives? I don't want to do less with my DS just to stop DSD getting jealous but also don't want her to be upset about not having similar experiences.

Struggling as I know how I would've felt at her age...

Is it cost that is preventing her Mum from sending her or the logistics of getting her there?

It's nice that you care. Don't beat yourself up too much.
I would encourage your husband to chat with his ex about this.
I can see if the ex is working and in childcare after school it would be hard to send her to a group/class.
Could you enrol her on weekend classes mid way between your houses and meet there. And offer to pay extra travel costs etc
.

Maybe wait until he's actually old enough to go to this stuff before bringing it up in front of her?

By the time he's big enough to go to regular activities (as in meaningful ones for him, not 'baby baking' etc. that's more for the parents), she'll be in her teens and won't be as bothered.

I would try and find something her to do. It's going to be difficult for both children to have a positive relationship in the future if she has even more reason to feel 'worse off' (only seeing her dad every other weekend, while you all live together as a family). I struggled to find swimming lessons recently, so got a group together and a private coach is doing swimming lessons for the children. Could you get a group together and create your own class? There might be an older teenager at the gymnastics club who wants 'experience' coaching and will do it every second week.

Surely there's something that she could do as a club that isn't awful if she goes every other week. Some kind of drop in martial arts or brownies maybe? Horse riding?

Why are you bringing this up infront of your DSD? Your son is still a baby. In 7 years time, your DSD will be a teenager and won't care about what groups her brother is doing.

I'd sign her up for something at the weekend that it doesn't matter if she doesn't go every week or give her mum the money so that she can do them in the week. It's not hard to treat them the same.

Why does she even know about this?

If it's cost that's stopping her mum sending her and you can afford it, why don't you and her dad offer to pay? Then all her mum needs to do is take her.

It might be that your DSD is just feeling a bit jealous and displaced and it doesn't actually have anything to do with the clubs at all.

I also don't think it's the right time for her to start a club which would mean that she spends less time with her dad and he'd be with the baby (to her anyway).

It was just a conversation I was having with someone who gifted us the swimming lessons. I said that it was a life skill and that if he wants to do something else when he's older we'll sign him up. It wasn't a massive conversation and not something we regularly talk about.

I don't think it's cost as they go on lots of holidays and she's always got nice new things which are fairly expensive. DH has talked to her mum about it before and she said she would decide what is done in her time. I wasn't there for the conversation though.

Dsd will have to speak to her dm about it, especially if her dm goes on the defensive when you try to broach the subject. TBH I always found that my dc got bored very quickly when they started a new activity. Cubs, Rugby, karate, six weeks max.

EOW would be perfect for horse riding. You wouldn't want to pay for it more frequently. There must be other drop-in hobbies she can do on your time. Also, if it's just learning particular skills, you can easily book 1:1 tuition EOW - including private swim lessons. It's only clubs or groups that tend to be weekly meets and not always available at weekends.

I was just about to say horse riding!