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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask if you can ever really have closure after a friendship goes bad?

9 replies

FairyLightFiend · 02/01/2019 16:21

My step sister has just told me that she plans to send a letter to a girl that she used to be really good friends with (known each other since primary school / each other’s bridesmaids / lived together for a bit / had kids at same time) to tell her how much she’s hurt her and try and get some closure and answers after their relationship went bad. I think it’s a waste of her energy and she risks being hurt even more. I’d appreciate knowing if it’s ever a good idea because I do want her to feel better.

(To avoid drip feeding - This girl has a history of treating my sister - and other people - badly and refusing to talk about what’s happened. She strung her along for years, always making her feel like she wasn’t good enough and finally she just dumped my SS and refused to acknowledge that she was behaving badly. From the outside it played out almost like an abusive relationship with my lovely loyal step sister always prepared to put up with crap and make excuses for her. No one can understand why she stayed friends with her! Because this girl never actually told SS that she didn’t want to be friends any more she’s tourtured herself for a long time trying to work out what she did. The reality is that she did nothing - this girl is just an insecure cow!)

Is there any chance that sending a letter will make her feel better, or should she keep well away?!

OP posts:
userschmoozer · 02/01/2019 16:23

I think the problem is in this situation that the person who has been treated badly needs closure, and thinks they can get it from the person who behaved badly, by asking and being reasonable.
But its not how unreasonable people work. She probably wont get what she wants and she'll have another issue to process.

Iamnobirdandnonetensnaresme · 02/01/2019 16:24

I doubt she will get what she wants from sending the letter I.e remorse, apology and a better friendship back.
She may however feel better writing it all down, she never has to send the letter as that gives powers to the other girl.

SuchAToDo · 02/01/2019 16:25

If I was your step sister I wouldn't send the letter...

If the other woman doesn't want to be friends then a letter isn't going to change that, in fact it may cause more hurt feelings and arguments..most likely for your poor step sister

I'd advise her to get closure by just blocking the woman out of her life..

DraculaAD1972 · 02/01/2019 16:28

I've been your step sister.

I totally deleted the 'friend' was the only way to bring closure. I even blanked her at a mutual friends wedding recently. When I stopped trying to get anything from her I felt so free and wished I'd done it years ago.

The letter won't work as the other person doesn't care.

Isleepinahedgefund · 02/01/2019 16:33

Totally agree this is not the way to get closure. If anything, it will make it worse.

If she’s still that cut up about it, it’s probably worth her thinking about having some counselling.

mansneverhot · 02/01/2019 16:34

In my experience abusive relationships play off of one person wanting to be “good enough” for the abuse to end, and the other person wanting control out of a feeling that them and their abusive behaviour isn’t good enough for the abusee. It sounds as though your SS wants to know why she couldn’t earn the affection and the “friend” was probably right to end the cycle of bad behaviour.

That being said, writing down feelings can be very liberating. But she’d probably be better off burning the letter than sending it. There are better ways to come to terms with knowing that you didn’t deserve being treated badly than having it explained to you by the person who has been irrationally nasty.

FairyLightFiend · 02/01/2019 16:37

This is, sadly, what I thought the replies would be. I can totally understand why she feels so messed up by it all though. She keeps saying that she just wants to know what happened!

People don’t realise, but she’s really sensitive and this has totally thrown how she sees herself in all of her friendships now. She’s had some bad health and lost touch with other friends. Now she thinks that she must be a horrible person!

OP posts:
FairyLightFiend · 02/01/2019 16:43

Sorry - I should have said thank you to everyone who’s already replied. Good advice!

OP posts:
noego · 02/01/2019 17:16

@mansneverhot has nailed it.

There is nothing wrong with your SS. She has a need to be validated by the abuser. I would suggest counselling. She may be scarred by this.
She needs to go in the opposite direction as fast as she can.

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