To doubt my friends decisions regarding her ds bio dad

[foxbox99]

Very long story, basically my friend was shat on from a great height by her ds' bio dad.
He was still sleeping with his ex/ mother to his 2yodd when my friend started seeing him. He is a waste of space, compulsive liar etc but seems to have a strange effect on women.
The ex contacted my friend telling her to ask what he had been doing behind her back. He went nuclear at the ex (ex says it was violent) then convinced my friend it was all jealous lies.
The ex moved away to another county abruptly to be with distant family.
A month later my friend finds out SHE is pregnant. This guy is fighting with solicitors to have access to his existing dd, ex is saying he's violent and needs to be supervised etc etc

Cut a long story short, this douche bag starts messaging his ex and working his way back into her life while my friend is pg. He eventually leaves my friend when their dad is a couple of months old (after a lot of lies and.drama) and runs away to be with the ex and their dd.

My friend is understandably incredibly bitter and angry, having spent much of her pregnancy running around like a woman possessed (literally) , she is now seething with rage and makes it quite hard for bio dad to negotiate contact with their ds.
She used to ring him all day every day and demand he come and see their ds under strange circumstances, do weird things. So he ended up cutting all contact with her and therefore their ds.

When ds is 3 he has now had another dd with the ex, but he starts sending presents, cards for my friends ds, from him and his dds. My friend Chucks them in the bin . He sends letters offering contact in contact centre or to be supervised by a family member. My friend ignores them. Mediator paid by him attempts to contact her but she ignores.
I understand why she thinks she is acting in her sons best interests. She has a lovely partner now and her ex really is a prize twat. I wouldn't dare share these thoughts with her, she's quite sensitive and a bit volatile, but can't help wonder if she's doing the right thing.

Fast forward another couple of years and he has split with the ex but still has regular contact with their dds. They have both now moved back so are local to my friend. My friend is adamant that her ds will never have any contact with his dad or half sisters.

I guess I'm just wondering if she has done right by her ds'? The dad seems to have a close relationship with his dd's, so although he is undoubtedly a feckless mess of a person and in relationships, he seems to love his other kids, and did try to start contact with my friends ds. She however has stamped on all attempts and taken the choice from her ds'.

Why would she want a no hope loser in her sons life? He’s violent waste of space and hardly a decent role model is he?

Well that is definitely the message she's been getting from all her other friends and her family, so she's never doubted her actions. I can't help but wonder if her ds' will resent her if he finds out that his dad did try and have contact, send presents, and that his half sisters have a good relationship with his dad, and he could have had too. He's also had no choice at a relationship with his half sisters.

I think the ds may well resent his mother for not letting him have any contact with his dad. But I'm not sure she will thank you for saying this.

I would never tell her.

Her DS will resent her if he finds out the truth.

Not telling someone the truth about their own identity is deplorable.

The child will make its own decision about the credibility of its father.

She needs to tell him the truth.

So what would this man bring to DS's life? Intermittent contact and the occasional present? He doesn't seem like a good role model, whether he 'loves' his kids or not.

The boy might resent his mother, he might not. Time will tell.

Hang on, this man is violent - do you really think it's a good idea to expose your friend's DS to someone like that? He sounds like a total waste of space, and I'm not sure what he'd add to your friend's DS's life.

She can tell him the truth about his dad when he's old enough to understand, and he can decide on contact himsel, but I wouldn't expose a young child to a violent man willingly.

It's just that she's made decisions all along based on bitterness as far as I can see. She also cut out paternal grandmother. Her ds' has lost cousins, half sisters, uncle's too. She's kept in contact with the paternal grandfather and stepmother because they're the only ones who are willing to 'agree' with everything she says.
She really did want her ds' to see his dad at the beginning but quite frankly made it impossible for him because she put conditions on contact that were all about herself.

Yes this guy is a waste of space in a lot of ways but his daughters are growing up knowing that they are loved by their father. Surely that counts for something?

And from all accounts he isn't violent to his daughters, he is very soft with them apparently, my friend is still very bitter about it all and the snippets she hears through the grandfather and ex step siblings. To be honest her decisions have come from punishing the ex and the OW in the guise of acting in her sons best interests. I love her but she is a very bitter person.