Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another step parenting /present giving one..

26 replies

VioletPickles · 02/01/2019 00:08

So now that Christmas is largly over, I have been missing over a couple things and would appreciate your thoughts and there I'm overthinking and should just zip it..

Background, I love with with dp (engaged) and have done so for nearly 7 years now. I have 3 children from a different dad, and one with dp. He he also has a dd but she lives far away and we only are allowed to see her 2 nights every 14 days (long battle through caught even yo get this)

Anyway which realtive is in the wrong, if any

Dps brother, 3 x presents for my dsd, one for my dd3, none for dd1, ds1or dd2
(brother has one son, we get him a present)

Mil 2 X massive and I mean those paper christmas bags you can stand up in, and £50 for dsd
1 bag big presents, largely unsuitable but can you another time and no money fox my dd4
A smellies set for dd1
Colouring pens for dd2
magic box for ds1 (he s 12)

All of this is gifted or handed over at the same time. Children do notice discrepancy but are too polite to say anytbing

My mum, present to each child £50budget. Stuff they wanted generally.

My mil to her son £500.
To me, £20next voucher haha

So. All present and correct??! Or not..

OP posts:
jamimmi · 02/01/2019 00:17

Be thankful it was a next voucher I got tea towels and oven mits! 're your 1st three can understand why the in-laws made it different but does seem thought less to give pressies or non at all with such and obvious difference. Perhaps mum is trying to make up for not seeing as much of dad?

PrettyLovely1 · 02/01/2019 00:23

Both sound like dickheads,
I wouldnt bother with either of them. I have no time for people like that.

aprilanne · 02/01/2019 00:41

Jesus my son has two dds one a baby when he met her mum one born since they get the exact same in monetary value of gifts God how can people do this to children I adore both girls I never looked at our eldest gd and think she not our bio gd I just don't understand some folk.the brother also an idiot .your present a bit bloody miserable as well maybe it's because I like dil I would never dream of this

Returnofthesmileybar · 02/01/2019 00:44

The gift to her son and the next voucher to you is absolutely fine imo.

Did your mother buy for your dsd?

Otherwise no all gifts are wrong and there is way too much disparity there, I think it definitely needs to be more even

sycamore54321 · 02/01/2019 00:44

I have no experience of step-parenting and clicked on this by mistake but surely you can’t have a problem with the token gift from MIL for you and the generous gift for your partner, her son. I think that’s perfectly fine, and a £20 voucher is quite a bit more than I’d spend on a token gift.

As a complete novice to this area, I think the brother is probably ok in buying for the children he has a family relationship with. You or your older children aren’t related to the brother even by marriage so I can see why he wouldn’t feel expected to buy gifts for all.

A lot of it also depends on the age of the children involved - assuming your joint daughter is younger than your stepdaughter (because otherwise that is weird!), this could explain why your MIL felt adding some cash to her gift was appropriate if she’s old enough to go shopping herself and your daughter isn’t.

While nobody should ever make children feel excluded, the reality is that your older children do have a different relationship to your MIL than her direct grandchildren. And I think your attitude of totting up and comparing gifts received is likely to rub off on all the children and exacerbate any sense of differences. There is no rule book accepted by all for these situations. If you genuinely suspect malice from your in-laws, then the problem is much larger than just gift etiquette. Or otherwise you can just be bright and breezy and make everyone feel grateful for what they have gotten. If it was about the children only, you wouldn’t have mentioned the £500 vs voucher thing.

PositivelyPERF · 02/01/2019 00:50

They’re pricks. What a horrible thing to do to children that should be treated as family.

I took in my brother’s four children and my pils and my DH’s siblings all treat them as family. I lost my DH four years ago and we’re still treated as family. Some people are just shit human beings.

Cherries101 · 02/01/2019 02:41

I presume your eldest three get gifted from their grandparents — there should be no expectation from anyone except your mum to gift all of your kids equally.

Gomyownway · 02/01/2019 02:52

How old were your kids when you and your partner got together and how often do the see your partners brother and your MIL.

Whyarealltheusernamestaken · 02/01/2019 03:05

Oh I feel for you, as a step parent I was lucky with my family, they bought equally for DSD from year one we were together, even though they hadn’t even met her at that point. Family is family regardless of blood. This somehow needs to be spoken of regardless how hard that chat is. All for one and all that x

HollyGoLoudly1 · 02/01/2019 04:01

Might be controversial but my mum spends more on her biological grandkids than on her stepgrandkids (although not quite as obviously different as in your post). This was discussed before the first Christmas my DSD was in our lives. The reasoning behind it being that my DSD has 2 sets of biological grandparents that she gets presents from too whereas our DS (and the other grandkids) only receive from my mum, so overall DSD actually ends up with more iyswim.

She also spends more on her kids than on our partners, and my partners mum spends more on him than on me. I didn't realise til I read your post that it is unusual to do so!

HollyGoLoudly1 · 02/01/2019 04:09

Now that I think about it, my STBMIL has a stepgrandchild through another of her DCs and as far as I know doesn't buy anything for her. STBMIL she doesn't get on well with her DCs partner (SGCs dad) so doesn't see him very much and never sees the SGC.

This post has really made me think. Like most stepfamily issues, there will be shades of grey and much will depend on individual family circumstances and relationships.

converseandjeans · 02/01/2019 09:01

Do your parents buy for DSD? If so is it to sane value as your kids?
Do your children from first relationship get gifts from both sets of biological grandparents?
I think it depends on the set up as your eldest kids could end up with presents from 3 sets of GP so technically more.
My DM usually gives me a cheque which I use for family holiday. Can't see your problem here with gift voucher.

Silkei · 02/01/2019 09:11

DP’s brother only bought for 2 out of 5 kids - the ones who are his biological relatives. How awful! He’s sending a very clear message that he doesn’t accept your other kids as part of the family. And MIL is doing the same, although not quite as blatantly because at least she gave the non-bio kids a token gift. I’m afraid I wouldn’t have accepted the gifts if the kids weren’t made equal.

I couldn’t get worked up about MIL giving your DP more than you. He’s her son and you’re an adult. I’d file it away for future reference that she isn’t that arsed about you though.

TheBigBangRocks · 02/01/2019 09:16

The gifts for you and DH are fine. He's her son and always will be, I'd never expect the same as a wife let alone a gf. A token gift is fine, a voucher even better,

Presumably your children have from their own family so I think it's ok for them to just buy for their actual family.

They should be treated equally within your household by the two of you but family have no obligation to do the same. Presumably their own grandparents/family bought them and you haven't insisted they buy everyone equally.

MrsFL · 02/01/2019 09:18

I’m a step mum.

My parents spend more (but not so obviously!) on my ds (age 24) and dd (18) than they do on my dss (age 10). I have never thought it was innapropriate or unkind.

DH’s family (other than his mum) don’t buy any christmans gifts or even a birthday card for my dc.

DH & I spend the same on all of them and treat them equally but don’t expect the rest of the family to do the same.

Have to say I wouldn’t buy gifts for one child and not buy at least token gifts for the other children in the household.

Blended families are really complex & not everyone sees things the same way (as evidenced by the varied replies on this thread!). If your in laws have no previous experience of step relationships they may not have even considered that their behaviour might be upsetting to you?

Thehop · 02/01/2019 09:18

I’d be really put out by then making it so obvious.

Allthewaves · 02/01/2019 09:47

Do your children have any contact with their dad and receive gifts from his family?

AFOLNerd · 02/01/2019 09:54

I have 4 kids, 2 by my ex and 2 with my current partner.
My mum obviously spends the same on all 4 kids.
It is something that came up with mil when we had kids that she would want to spend the same on all 4 kids. We told her not to and that a token gift was fine as older ones already have 2 sets of grandparents buying for them so they aren’t missing out and it would actually end up with them getting more. She now spends about £70 on bio gc and £20ish on older 2. Which everyone is happy with.

It’s always difficult and what works for one family won’t work for another.

dontknowwhattodo80 · 02/01/2019 10:14

When DH and I first met ( DS was 2) there was huge discrepancies between what they bought DS and my BIL children for Christmas/birthdays. By the time DS2 came along- 3 years later- everything was fairly even.

13 years on and presents are equal, however we've noticed that FIL has stopped calling himself grandad in cards, and for Christmas he gave all of the grandchildren a " grandson/daughter" card but a generic one for DS1. I feel saddened as actually DS1 is lovely with them and makes a far bigger effort with them than DS2 does. I think it's a generation thing though.

junebirthdaygirl · 02/01/2019 10:15

I have a gc who lives with her dm and her new dp. Obviously l get her presents. Should her dm have more children l am trying to imagine what l would do. Those children would have their own two sets of gps so lots of presents there. I would never be deliberately cruel to a child, happy to buy for the whole neighbourhood but l would feel l was overstepping my line to buy for those children. Out of respect for their proper gps l probably wouldn't. I have a great relationship with the dm and her partner.
All my dc buy for gc . How far would we all go buying more and more.
Surely your older dc know who their gps are.

Cranky17 · 02/01/2019 10:32

Thing is really it’s never going to be fair,
Your children may get presents from their dads side of the family, and your dsd would get nothing in the situation.
So whilst they might lose out with your dp family they don’t with their own dad and your families.

Do your extended family buy for your children? Do they buy for dsd? Should they be expected to buy for dsd if they don’t see her very often.

Cranky17 · 02/01/2019 10:33

Because I’d tour children do receive gifts from your ex dp what happens when they walk through the door with bags of presents? Are they asked to share with dsd?

Cranky17 · 02/01/2019 10:34

Do your

Apple103 · 02/01/2019 10:38

But your kids would receive gifts from their dads side? Do you think their dad should buy for your DC with dp?

It does come across unfair and awful to the kids but you need to consider buying for 1 child vs 4 is a considerable expense as well. Wont your 3 other DC receive from their gp's and family from their dads side and would you expect them to also buy for your last DC?

PoesyCherish · 02/01/2019 10:47

As others have said, your 3 get presents from their Dad's side of the family so I don't think it's fair to expect your DP's family to treat them the same as the others.