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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

school bullies

28 replies

monalisa12 · 01/01/2019 20:36

There was a thread on this but nobody posted since June so I thought I would do a new one.

I was bullied at school One of the girls who did it to me is on fb and has said sorry and seems a nicer person and wants to meet me. Should I meet her and trust her again. Part of me thinks if I do meet her will it bring back old memories. Another part of me thinks why should I give the girl who was nasty to me at school the time of day

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Sirzy · 01/01/2019 20:38

Personally I would accept the apology but would have no desire to meet

There again I would have no desire to meet a lot of people I went to school with

Carter86 · 01/01/2019 20:45

I would probably take the opportunity to say something really nasty back, then block her before she has the chance to respond

Original poster
monalisa12 · 01/01/2019 21:48

That is not how I operate. If I do that it will only bring me down to her level and to be honest I am not attached to her fb because her settings are set so that nobody can add her as a friend so we are communicating on fb messenger. Since we have been chatting she has said nice things to me and said she bullied me because she was bullied too. I was bullied but that did not make me bully others. I think she is simply using that as an excuse. People can change and become better people and part of me thinks maybe I will meet her but meet her only once and then not see her again or should I just message her and say on second thoughts maybe we should not meet because of the past (I did say I would be willing to meet her)

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userschmoozer · 01/01/2019 21:51

She is meeting you for her benefit, not yours. If she were really sorry she'd just apologise and not expect anything from you.

Original poster
monalisa12 · 01/01/2019 21:55

Sirzy I think it depends who you went to school with. I have a friend who is friends with quite a lot of her old school friends because she went to a very good school where people were well behaved and just got on with their school work and because it was a grammar school then they were all of an academic level who were interested in study unlike mine who half the kids had no interest in learning and bunked off

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Original poster
monalisa12 · 01/01/2019 21:59

her benefit? maybe she thought that we could let bygones be bygones and be the friends we could have been at school. To be honest she did not bully me all the time and there were times that we would be friends and go round each others house and to the cinema and to the local youth club but the fact remains that she did bully me for a while

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Original poster
monalisa12 · 01/01/2019 22:15

To be honest I stupidly said ok when do you want to meet up and she did not reply and went off fb so perhaps she will reply later or tomorrow, The normal thing would be to say I will look at my diary and let you know and we will fix up a mutualy convenient date, I do not think she is really interested in me because when I told her several things about me including the death of my boyfriend she did not say sorry or ask anything about me and the only thing she did say was oh you look exactly the same since school and then she gave me a two page essay on all her medical conditions

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Cherry321 · 01/01/2019 22:17

I wouldn't meet her. Accept the apology. Draw a line under this recent correspondence and move on.

Letsmoveondude · 01/01/2019 22:24

I'd not want to meet with her, I'd literally reply to say that I hoped that them apologising made it easier for them, but it made little difference to me, and I've moved on with life, so would have absolutely no interest in dragging up the past.

Cherry321 · 01/01/2019 22:27

I agree with Letsmove - the bully sounds flaky at best and I question how you would benefit from meeting them.

NRPDad · 01/01/2019 22:31

Whilst it's mature of them to reach out and apologise they are presumably pursuing you as a potential friend - you have a connection in the past and now they're currently lonely or wanting to expand their social circle I would guess?

Personally I wouldn't indulge them unless I was also similarly lonely/wanting more friends. Accept the apology and end the conversation on a positive note (wish you well in the future/ with new baby/whatever their life situation is) and leave it at that.

Already indicated positively to meeting and are uncertain? Rain check a couple of times and they might get the message.

If you think it could work out then go for it. But if they are still in touch with other bullies then be aware they might very much be the same as they were back at school and it could lead to awkward encounters or continued nastiness.

knittedmouse · 01/01/2019 22:33

Massively guilt trip her, then block her. Leave her to live with what she did. She doesn't give a damn about you only herself. She's probably doing it as some sort of AA, religious, self improvement, counselling, whatever rubbish.

kitkatsky · 01/01/2019 22:37

I've had a few apologies over the years. I've tried to accept them graciously but I don't really want to be friends/ make up officially. The past is the past so why dwell? Don't hold grudges, just that doesn't mean there needs to be a forgiveness event? That's my opinion anyway

giftsonthebrain · 01/01/2019 22:40

Just think of the fb post as a glimmer of maturity on her part, but don’t engage much more and certainly don’t meet up.

Original poster
monalisa12 · 01/01/2019 22:42

Maybe she just needs a friend and she did say sorry. Only time will tell if she is genuine

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Nanny0gg · 01/01/2019 22:46

I had this on Friends Reunited.

Turned out she was still a spiteful cow.

xsquared · 01/01/2019 22:55

I would accept apology but decline meeting up, as it is really about her making herself feel better rather than making things up to you.

Original poster
monalisa12 · 01/01/2019 23:33

I hear what you say but we have been chatting tonight and she has been telling me all abut her life and her childs life and wants to meet up when she feels better (she is not well at the moment). She does not have any contact with anyone else from school. She seems ok and I think she is genuine and I do not think she is doing this for selfish reasons.

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NewYear19 · 02/01/2019 02:15

This reply has been deleted

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ChasedByBees · 02/01/2019 02:20

Just be permanently ‘busy’. I can’t see what you have in common apart from you used to be acquaintances and she used to bully you.

There are other opportunities for friends.

Newyear19 that’s disgraceful of the school to do that too.

ilovesooty · 02/01/2019 02:20

I don't think I'd want to meet up but it has to be your decision.

NewYear19 · 02/01/2019 02:25

@ChasedByBees
I know. Was a few years ago, and wouldn't be allowed now. But embarrassing all the same!

knittedjest · 02/01/2019 04:42

Idk, I'm friends with the girl I bullied in primary school now. She still lives in ny home town and whenever I visit we go out to lunch and gossip about everybody we went to schoo with and what we are doing with our lives. I don't speak to anybody else but my best friend from when I was 3. But that happened organically, by chance we were both stuck on a delayed train one day and started talking and found that as adults we really hit it off and had a lot in common. But even though we will never be close friends because of our past which is a real shame and it's one of the few things I look back on in my life and regret because in a different world, under different circumstances, we probably would have been lifelong best friends but as a child I had a lot of personal issues that I took out on her simply because nobody else liked her and I clearly recognized a lot of myself in her and wanted to reject that.
But like I said that's something that happened organically, I would never had sought her out had it not because I acknowledge that I had caused a lot of pain in her life as a child and I didn't know how she had dealt with that trauma and if trying to reconnect would reopen old wounds. I think it's really selfish to do that just to ease your own guilt.

Original poster
monalisa12 · 25/01/2019 02:37

update

I got fed up with my old school bully. I told her I did not really want to meet her after all due to memories of what happened between us at school and she accused me of being unable to let go of the past. Then she asked me a question and when I went to reply I found she had blocked me so I went on her other fb account to say I could not reply an she said to me oh I did not mean to block you but I was trying to delete our conversation and accidentally blocked you because I am not familiar with how facebook works. I did not believe her and to this day I am still blocked. Good riddance if you ask me. I was only curious as to what sort of person she had become after all these years and when someone told me she was on fb I decided to find out

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SuchAToDo · 25/01/2019 02:48

I wouldn't meet her, part of me would be thinking what if she is faking being nice and it's all a set up of some kind to embarrass me/humiliate me/upset me in public like back when I was a school kid...but this time she gets it on camera and puts it on facebook or YouTube...

I would leave her in the past