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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relatives who judge your parenting

15 replies

why100000 · 01/01/2019 20:36

One in particular who seems to think that things were fine with how my kids were being brought up, but now things have gone to pot - or all wrong or not sure what words she was using but that was the gist.

She doesn’t seem to understand how upsetting it is to hear that. Apparently my kids suffer from a mixture of my parenting being on the one hand overprotective, and on the other unboundaried.

I asked her what would happen if I were to agree with her - what difference would it actually make given that clearly I am not up to being able to parent to her standards. She said it would be a “breakthrough”.

I tried to explain that it is not her place or anyone else’s to vocally judge in this way (unless my kids are being abused, which they aren’t), but she doesn’t get how intrusive it is. As it happens, she does not have children. She is just very opinionated.

Is it just me? Is it normal for other people to judge all the time? I find it very dispiriting. I think this person has an ideal which she aspires to in all things, and likes to lecture other people about it. It is kind of black and white thinking.

OP posts:
NikiFree · 01/01/2019 20:38

It depends on the behaviour.

Parents can often be blind to their DC behaviour.

My nephews behaviour is terrible for a child of his age but just try telling his mother that. So I don't have them in my home anymore.

Original poster
why100000 · 01/01/2019 20:40

Mine are secondary school age so they don’t do things like tear around the house, or annoying things younger kids might do.

OP posts:
NikiFree · 01/01/2019 20:45

At that age, tell her to mind her own business. She sounds very rude.

Original poster
why100000 · 01/01/2019 20:48

She means well and loves them, and I know that things are not perfect, but it is just that her telling me stuff makes me feel like shit.

OP posts:
NikiFree · 01/01/2019 20:56

And you're their mother. It's none of her business and she has no right.

Beatitudes · 01/01/2019 21:01

Did you ask her for her opinions or did she just come out with this criticism?

Original poster
why100000 · 01/01/2019 21:03

I was talking about another somewhat judgmental relative (I seem to have a few Grin), and it became apparent that she kind of agreed with her. Things escalated from there. It is all stuff she has told me before as well, and no I don’t ask for her opinion. I might do sometimes, but generally I don’t.

OP posts:
Obsidian77 · 01/01/2019 21:04

What does she want you to do/not do?

Original poster
why100000 · 01/01/2019 21:08

Get them to help more in the house and spend less time on the Internet. I agree with that, but clearly I am having problems, and her lecturing me just makes me feel ashamed.

There is other stuff that she judges that I really do not understand. Apparently my dc have not been exposed to the outside world enough. This is really not the case but when I try to say this, she just gives me a deep and meaningful Hmm look. WTAF.

OP posts:
Mum2jenny · 01/01/2019 21:09

Your children why, so you can consider the advice and then say I think it's crap and will do wtf I want. But maybe a bit more subtlety.

Obsidian77 · 01/01/2019 21:14

I would find that infuriating.
Unless you can turn it around on her, and get her to have them stay over with her so she can teach them to do household chores Grin or have her arrange exciting things so they get to learn more about the big wide world Hmm
Hold your ground. You know your kids best, she doesn't see the whole picture.

Boyskeepswinging · 01/01/2019 21:16

I now barely communicate with my MIL for this very reason. She criticised literally every single thing I did as a mother, I could do nothing right. She made me feel like shit but I didn't want to be rude to my MIL. However, the turning point for me was one day when I was at the end of my tether after a day of constant carping and I asked her if what I was doing was incorrect, how should I be doing it? To which she replied that she couldn't remember as she'd had her kids so long ago. I was so angry that I said "So you can't offer any constructive help, then?". She looked absolutely aghast that the worm had turned but it did the trick as we barely speak now. Suits me just fine.

Boyskeepswinging · 01/01/2019 21:20

So you could take a leaf out of my book and as @Obsidian77 suggests, call her bluff!

TooStressyForMyOwnGood · 01/01/2019 21:20

OP, my parents make me feel completely inadequate. Mine don’t say anything, it is all unsaid disapproval and then the occasional phone call when they tell me everything I am doing wrong. I’m not even sure they realise they are doing it. It is soul destroying and I get it Flowers. In fact ‘intrusive’ and ‘dispiriting’ sum it up Sad.

I wish I had some answers for you. The only answers I have had are (mostly from here) to ignore it and not be bothered what hey say but I can’t not care what they think.

user1474894224 · 01/01/2019 21:22

Just tell her it's really easy to be a perfect parent before you have kids! 😂

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