To ask anyone who's ever suffered from self loathing

[DoDoo]

Did you/have you overcome it and how?

I'm struggling greatly at the moment with myself.

Me and DH have had double figure pregnancy losses over the last couple of years and it's developed, for me, into pretty strong self hatred.

Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed with desperation to be someone else, I can be physically sick and shake. I can't fathom why DH is still here.

I am so repulsed by my body for it's apparent failings. I cannot see or count any blessings anymore. I feel like I'm completely blinded by this one thing.

I know I need to speak to someone but I don't know how to begin. I don't want to admit this to anyone when people know we are trying for a child, it hardly comes across as 'stable' and I worry what someone may think if I were to admit these thoughts.

I don't know what to do or how to even attempt getting some form of love back for myself.

Has anyone ever felt like this before and overcome it or have I really lost it?

Oh op. You really need to speak to someone. Sending huge hugs, please be kind to yourself.

I hate myself at the moment. I am quite overweight and struggling with food addiction/ binge eating disorder that will not leave me alone. I have depression and anxiety and I’m not living my life, I’m just coasting by. It’s starting to affect my kids now but I can’t snap out of it. I’m just pathetic.

I didn't want to read and run but have no real advice for you, sorry for your losses. I would ask if your husband is included in who you haven't told you are feeling like this to? If he doesn't know, maybe a talk with him would help? I've experienced a miscarriage and I was surprised by my Dh's thoughts on it as he felt very much the same way I did. Anyway as I said I'm not really able to help but I do think if you are strong enough to get through the last couple of years you are a very strong woman. for you. Also this doesn't make you 'unstable' at all, acknowledging how you are feeling is a very stable and strong thing to do.

I ended up breaking down in the GPs room. He put me on antidepressants and suggested counselling. Unfortunately the only counselling I could have was miles away, but I started considering why I felt like it.
I'm much better now but if I come off the tablets the critical inner voice starts up again.

Only when I was truly depressed. I hope things get better. I think once you get pregnant or the right support, you will come out the other side.
Yes staying on anti depressants do keep my cynical thinking in check, most of the time,

To add do talk to someone, I had crazy thoughts and ideas and a problem shared, especially to a professional really does lift some of the weight.

You really need some help to process your losses. How awful that you feel so angry with yourself.
You don't deserve it, you really don't.
Be kind to yourself this New Year, there is only one you.
Xx

I grew up with self loathing bit resolved it with psychotherapy. It turned my life around. Wishing you well.