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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect my daughter to call me and take my calls?

30 replies

Cherry4weans · 01/01/2019 19:06

My daughter and I have had a reasonably good relationship until she met her partner and had her fourth child. I was basically dad to her other 3 after she left abusive relationship.

She says she has PTSD, and anxiety. She has just been diagnosed with epilepsy which she says is triggered by anxiety and hormones.

She says that the ring of the phone and speaking without seeing body language triggers her anxiety and this causes seizures. She has therefore asked me not to ring and I never get a call from her anymore. When I ring her I usually end up speaking to her DP.

She has said to text and she will pop round. But I am not very good at texting and sometimes just after a chat with my daughter.

Surely she could give her mum the occasional phone call or answer when I ring? She's my daughter, she has no reason to be anxious with me.

OP posts:

Sirzy · 01/01/2019 19:07

She's my daughter, she has no reason to be anxious with me.

You don’t really get anxiety do you?

ilovesooty · 01/01/2019 19:08

I suspect you don't really empathise with what she might be going through.

Chouetted · 01/01/2019 19:11

You're being so unreasonable, I'm finding it difficult to find words to express it. She's already told you that it's not you she's anxious with, it's the phone.

If she were profoundly deaf, would you still expect her to ring you for a nice chat? Or would you find some other way?

If the answer to that is yes, then go ahead, but I don't think she'll be very impressed. If the answer is no, then there's your answer for this situation. There is no difference - if using the phone puts her at risk of seizures, this is functionally the same as being physically unable to use it.

Babdoc · 01/01/2019 19:11

This is ringing all sorts of alarm bells for me. Your DD has already been through one abusive relationship and now she suddenly claims to be epileptic and unable to take or make phone calls? Have you thought that maybe the new partner is also abusive and is refusing to let her make calls to her family as a way of isolating her?

Petalflowers · 01/01/2019 19:11

“She has no reason to be anxious with me”’

But she is not anxious with you, but is anxious with using the phone.

She has offered you an alternative, ie. texting. You said you are not good with texting. That’s the sort of anxiety she has with phone calls.

As an alternative, can you FaceTime or Skype? She can then see you and your body language. We do this a lot with our son.

kitkatsky · 01/01/2019 19:12

Sorry, but you're the one being unreasonable. She's asked sth unreasonable with (actually) a better solution aka popping round for a chat. Sure I understand your frustration about it, but this is your daughter who has an actual illness. I'd ask you if you'd feel the same about this if you knew that you calling her might cause a minor physical issue?

Soubriquet · 01/01/2019 19:12

I’m deaf and really struggle with using phones so I text more than I call

I’ve been deaf since I was 4, yet my mum still rings me and gets frustrated when she has to keep repeating herself

Text me then!!!

Yabu

Petalflowers · 01/01/2019 19:13

Bab - that thought crossed my mind also. Who is preventing her making phone calls, and you said you had a good relationship until she met her current partner...

GalacticChickenShit · 01/01/2019 19:15

I was basically dad to her other 3

Maybe she's realised this is an incredibly weird dynamic.

Waddsup12 · 01/01/2019 19:15

Phone calls cause me anxiety. And in general, I'm fine.

I would text or visit instead, much easier. If she's looking after the 4 kids now, she might well be busy!

mineofuselessinformation · 01/01/2019 19:21

I can see your point of view in that you're sad your daughter isn't in contact more, but I do think you need to try to understand that her anxiety isn't about you.
You could suggest FaceTime, Skype or messenger to her and see how she feels about that, but if it's a no you need to respect her decision, and recognise that if she ever does contact you by any such means in the future, it's a huge step forward for her.

artisanscotcheggs · 01/01/2019 19:24

You've just said you're not very good at texting. She's not good with phone calls. You need to accept that and alter communication appropriately.

artisanscotcheggs · 01/01/2019 19:26

Plus, why would you want to force your daughter to do something that induces seizures for fucks sake?

brummiesue · 01/01/2019 19:31

So many red flags here re the potential for domestic abuse. Please try and arrange meet up in person with her alone.

EmeraldShamrock · 01/01/2019 19:32

I would be concerned if it was my DD.
If it is just an issue with the phone, take it as an opportunity to text and arrange lunch, or a meet up for a chat. If you are not good at texting, send a recorded vm in WhatsApp. I had to use it when my phone screen smashed it was handy.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 01/01/2019 19:33

Why would you not want to support your daughter? I can see why people can't understand anxiety, as it can seem so irrational (and I say this as someone whose anxiety escalated to panic attacks on hearing a certain ringtone as that was the sound of my work mobile, which I learned to associate with bad news). It's easy to say "Well, you have no need to be anxious about me" but that's not how it works in your daughter's head, nor can she necessarily control how she reacts.

Rather than forcing your preferences on her and demanding she accepts your calls, why don't you find an alternative to calling? Or can you not be arsed to adapt and - however slightly - put yourself out to help your own daughter?

userschmoozer · 01/01/2019 19:33

Babdoc Tue 01-Jan-19 19:11:05
This is ringing all sorts of alarm bells for me. Your DD has already been through one abusive relationship and now she suddenly claims to be epileptic and unable to take or make phone calls? Have you thought that maybe the new partner is also abusive and is refusing to let her make calls to her family as a way of isolating her?

This. Stop making this about you, be concerned, go round and visit her.

Neverunderfed · 01/01/2019 19:34

Text or email.

And consider whether her new partner might be playing a role in keeping her from talking

letsdolunch321 · 01/01/2019 19:34

My dd has anxiety and struggles talking on the phone, she is happy to text but if your dd has 4 dc she probably doesn’t have the time to talk/text.

One question - I appreciate you have said your dd has anxiety and epilepsy- Do you feel that her dp is controlling in anyway?

Maybe he tells her who she can and cannot talk too !!

HeyDuggeesCakeBadge · 01/01/2019 19:35

Red flags all over the place - I understand anxiety so I do empathise if this is the case but I do worry as pp's have said that this is a cover for another abusive relationship. Go round or arrange to meet her face to face.

adaline · 01/01/2019 19:38

Go around and see her. There are so many flags for abuse here - I'm surprised the first few posters haven't realised that.

SteveMcqueensJeans · 01/01/2019 19:38

Has her epilepsy been diagnosed recently? Has it been referred to as 'non-epileptic seizures' rather than just epilepsy? If it has that would cause me some concern in respect of her stress/anxiety/other issues being at the heart of that diagnosis

nameuseroriginal · 01/01/2019 19:56

I'd be concerned that her new partner is abusive and controlling her contact with you.

Original poster

Cherry4weans · 01/01/2019 19:57

First of all I want to apologise. I have fibbed as a reverse because I genuinely desperately wanted to know if my request was unreasonable of me to make to my mum without any bias slipping in. My mum regularly guilt trips me for not ringing and I have asked her just to text "come over for a cuppa" and I will (I'm 2 mins away) She still rings daily and my partner answers because I am having partial focal seizures (confirmed as Temporal Lobe Epilepsy including mri). The epilepsy went a long time undiagnosed because I assumed it was panic attacks because of the anxiety, the medicine is still getting built up to be effective and is knocking me for 6. My partner is amazing by the way, is in process of adopting my other 3 children and is so so supportive. I had wondered if this might have been a concern for her given the past so thank you for that perspective. I just feel that I'm not being listened to and made to feel like a rubbish daughter because I am struggling myself. Sorry again for being sneaky.

OP posts:

SoyDora · 01/01/2019 19:58

So you’re ‘not very good at texting’ so don’t want to do that, but think she should answer phone calls even though it causes her to have anxiety attacks?

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