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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Reminders of grief

17 replies

regmover · 01/01/2019 17:43

This isn't a TAAT, but was sparked off by a similar subject under discussion. Does anyone else object to the annual FB reminders of grief? My SIL does it all the time. Posting up sad little poems and photos on the anniversary of deaths, birthdays of people who have died, even wedding anniversaries of couples no longer with us.
Maybe it's just that I work differently, but I try to actively forget these sad anniversaries and remember the good things about my loved ones. I don't want to be regularly reminded that they are no longer here.
At some point I know that I am going to face losing the person who probably I am closest to and love more than anyone else. And as SIL is also close to them (but not a blood relative) she's going to start doing this about them. I can't bear that thought, when the inevitable happens I'll have to ask her not to.

I understand that maybe this is how she grieves, but in doing this she is constantly reminding others who don't want that reminder. If that makes sense?

OP posts:

peachgreen · 01/01/2019 18:00

I'm afraid that it's just different ways of grieving. If you don't want to read them, unfollow her on Facebook or avoid it on days when you might see something you don't want to. I feel the same way as you but it's not our place to tell someone else how they can grieve.

Original poster

regmover · 01/01/2019 18:02

I can't avoid the days because I deliberately don't keep track of them.
Our family uses FB a lot to keep in touch so I guess I'll just come to a point where I respectfully ask her to not do this in regard to this person and tell her if she does I'll block her.
It all feels a bit attention seeking to me...

OP posts:

WheresTheEvidence · 01/01/2019 18:05

I guess I'll just come to a point where I respectfully ask her to not do this in regard to this person and tell her if she does I'll block her.
It all feels a bit attention seeking to me.

Seriously? Your response in it all appears far more attention seeking than her posts

Original poster

regmover · 01/01/2019 18:08

OK, whatever...
Let's just say for example that she keeps posting up reminders of the death of my much loved parent. Why wouldn't I do something to avoid seeing that?

OP posts:

LearningMySelfWorth · 01/01/2019 18:10

My sisters and extended family have form for this. Sharing pictures or intimate memories of my dad on facebook with little to no security settings while being friends with people I know and actively dislike. I hated it when I was at school because the people who were bullying me would find this out and then seek me out to apologise for my loss and I would become irate and once I punched one of them. The spend all year tormenting and torturing me but when they found out that my dad died they suddenly want to be nice.

Now when my sisters share these (one of my sisters shared the poem I wrote and read at the funeral alongside a picture of me as a child doing just that) I report them to facebook for distressing content, I've mentioned it to my family and asked them not to do it but they don't see the harm.

Tryingbutfailingmiserably · 01/01/2019 18:14

FGS If its such an issue unfollow her

Handsfull13 · 01/01/2019 18:20

Unfortunately you can't just her to stop it's her right to do whatever she likes online. But you can explain that you find it uncomfortable and upsetting so you will be unfriending her because of it.
It's her choice to stop or not.

Original poster

regmover · 01/01/2019 18:22

Yes Handsfull13, as above I think that's what will happen at some point. Really the point of opening this discussion was to find out if others found the constant reminders objectionable, and it seems the answer is that some do, some don't and some feel quite aggressive about me objecting.

OP posts:

Confusedbeetle · 01/01/2019 18:24

I also have a great problem with that. My solution was to hide the posts of my sister in law, then I decided to leave Facebook

Pumpkintopf · 01/01/2019 18:28

I agree with you op, unfortunately in the world we live in, people seem to feel the need to advertise their feelings of grief (along with everything else) on social media.

recklessruby · 01/01/2019 18:35

If you don't want to delete or unfollow her just snooze her for 30 days. I have done this with other family members just because their posts really irritate me (and they don't know about it).
Personally I have had a feed Facebook memories come up which have really hurt but I know the dates so try to avoid where I can.

Birdsgottafly · 01/01/2019 18:35

"Let's just say for example that she keeps posting up reminders of the death of my much loved parent. Why wouldn't I do something to avoid seeing that?"

I've been Widowed and lost my GPS, Parents and much loved Uncles etc.

You aren't going to forget. The FB post will be irrelevant. It may make you feel good that someone else gives a shit. Only our children remember my DH's death date and it hurts a bit, because he was close to my Family.

I don't post anything, that's not me. But as said, we all have different ways of dealing with things and grieving.

Birdsgottafly · 01/01/2019 18:37

"people seem to feel the need to advertise their feelings of grief (along with everything else) on social media"

Thays what SM is for, to connect with other people.

You can still choose how you want to use it, of course.

Noodledoodledoo · 01/01/2019 18:46

I post once a year on my mum's birthday a post to say I am missing her. If you don't like it unfollow her. I am sorry but my one post brings me a little comfort on that one day. I couldn't care less what others think, how it affects them etc. On that day it's what will help me.

It is done in such a way that very few even comment, normally a little memory of somthing or a joke, I just want to do something to remember her, I also go and buy her favourite flowers to have at home. At her request we have no 'place' to visit.

I am friends with a lot of her friends on facebook and they do comment and wish me well.

A lot of people post absolute rubbish - in my mind - on facebook that I don't care about, want to see, etc I either ignore and pass by or unfollow if it becomes too much.

Sorry I do think you are unreasonable to stop her doing what she wants.

BackforGood · 01/01/2019 19:10

I am inclined to agree with you OP.

Though it did make me laugh when an older friend on FB put a post up a few months ago saying something about it being he Mum's birthday, and how she would have been 109 today. (She'd passed away many, many years ago). Just tickled me, and made me wonder how long people were going to keep on mentioning things.

Oh, and before I get asked, yes, I have lost both my parents. I have my own private little moments every now and then, but I'm not going to fill my FB feed with anniversaries of births, deaths, weddings, etc.

Original poster

regmover · 01/01/2019 19:11

You see I think I'd be unreasonable if she was posting about her own much loved and departed dad. I'm not sure I'm unreasonable when it's my Dad she's posting about. She knew him for 8 years, but he was my Dad.

Anyway, interesting to read the different perspectives and thank you for that.

OP posts:

Handsfull13 · 01/01/2019 19:57

I get that it upsets you but I can see why people think you're unreasonable to object.
Your basically telling them their way of grieving and remembering someone is wrong and your grief trumps theirs.
You probably don't feel that way but that's the same as they probably don't realise how it makes you feel to see the posts.

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