To ask if you’re a Billy no mates too?

[Brighton2]

I moved away to go to uni 8 years ago and met my now husband so have stayed in the new area. Through uni I organised meet ups with my friends from back home when I went home for the holidays which was great but as time went on it got harder, and they all drifted apart so despite living near each other they only met up when I arranged it. I eventually gave up with this as we grew apart. There is one friend back home I still see about twice a year for a catch up, but we don’t speak much in between and she has closer friends now from her college.

I made friends with housemates at uni but it became clear after a year or so that we just didn’t have anything in common, and I met my now husband and I guess I began to prefer spending time with him as we had more in common.

He still sees his old school friends - a mix of boys and girls - we all go out together which is nice but I’m a bit periferal as they obviously have a long life of friendship and memories together. I’d never meet with any of them without him if that makes sense.

I have a couple of girlfriends that I made at uni who I have stayed in touch with and we meet quarterly ish. It’s really nice to have them but they are both still close with their old friends from school, so I feel that I’m not as close a friend to them as they are to me if that makes sense.

I also have some old colleagues that I’m friends with and meet them for drinks sometimes, but again they all have their own friendship groups from school/uni that they seem to be closer to.

I guess I’m feeling a bit insecure that I see them all out with their friends at new year on instagram (which I know I should take with a pinch of salt) and I feel sad that I don’t have a close group anymore.

I should add that I’m one of those extroverted introverts. I like alone time as being with people drains me, but I still like being with people and doing things, particularly when it’s people I know well and feel comfortable with. One of my least favourite things is chatting with people I don’t know at parties.

I long for that feeling of being in a friendship group and having a nice gathering at someone’s house for new year.

So just wondering - does anyone else have this problem? Is everyone really having a better time than me?

Do you have children? Are you planning on it? It's a source of new friends I found. I made lots of new mates.

I have no friends and having DS hasn't helped as I work full time so don't know any of the other parents.

I'm quite introverted as well, all my energy for interacting with people tends to get used up in work, so trying to join any sort of clubs or hobby groups outside of work would be too draining even if it were possible, which it's not as DH works irregular hours.

It worries me a bit, but I don't know what I can do about it.

I have no friends really. One lives about an hour away and we text quite a bit but only see each other every few months. I've got two children under 2 and haven't made any friends in two years of maternity leave either. It's a bit shit really at times but I guess it is what it is now.

I could’ve written this post! My husband and I do have lots of friends we’d meet up with as a couple or group, but none of the women are really ‘my’ friends and I’ve struggled when I’ve made an effort to meet up with them. I always describe myself as an ‘extroverted introvert’ too! I’d love to have one or two really close girlfriends I could really be myself with and catch up with regularly. I have kids but it didn’t really help, I struggle to go from being polite and friendly to really close friendships! Hope you find some good friendships in the new year xxx

Me too - love that description too - extroverted introvert. One of my favourite things to do is big pub lunch with close friends.

I think what you describe is unfortunately how life is for a lot of people. We don't stay in one place anymore, we move around. Friends lose touch. My situation sounds like yours - you do have friends but they are not geographically close so you don't have that close connection anymore.

I want to really try hard this year and next to meet and make some friends - I reckon it takes a good couple of years. I've actually found having kids helps in some senses as it's easy to meet people, but also hard. I found it hard breaking past that polite chat about children to anything more meaningful.

I'm going to join a couple of groups like yoga, running etc and see what happens. Will also go to all the social things through the school and make an effort with the good friends I do have.

Good luck - you are not alone!
PS I also don't look at social media over this period (or much at all really) as I also suffer from the comparison thing - even though you do tell yourself it's only one moment in time!

I have a handful of friends- can literally count them on one hand but they all have much bigger and closer groups of friends so I’m never top of anyone’s invite list.
Doesn’t help that I was in an abusive, controlling relationship from the age of 22 to 34 so was isolated and unable to socialise much.
Am now 36, single, have 2 kids who I adore but no one to babysit and can’t afford a sitter- neatest family is 2 hours away. So even though I’m out of the abusive relationship I’m still isolated because I come as a three piece and never have any time outside of work where I’m not with my kids.

I do enjoy my own company but I would give anything to have groups of friends like my sisters do where they all go out together, weekends away etc
That’s never going to happen though, looking back, I’ve never been in a group, always on the outskirts of many groups.
It’s very lonely

Yup I've got no one that I am particularly close to or would be able to count on in an emergency. Even my family as lovely as they are wouldn't drop anything to help me, it would be done in their time, when they're ready.

No advice on how to make friends because I have no idea.

Agree with this totally, DH and I moved to a new area and we don’t know anybody here at all. We’ve no kids just yet and all our neighbours keep themselves to themselves. I am quite stumped as to how we are supposed to make new friends I would give anything for a couple of friends that we could meet at the pub a few times a month!

Used to be - think it's started to break down a bit in the last year or so as I moved the kids' school and started to gel a bit more with the parents in the new place (we never really fitted in with the old one) so at least I've got people to have a chat with and occasionally end up having a coffee with or whatever these days - very very early days though. I now at least have a couple of people I could message and ask if they could help me out in a pinch (and reciprocate) - which is more than I've had in about the last 10 years or so. It's taken me really really pushing myself out of my comfort zone to get to that point though as I'm very naturally introverted and socially anxious but hide it well.

Hi OP, I have people that are always messaging, wanting to go for lunch or catch up. It's constant (not a stealth boast, btw) and for some reason, for the most part, I can't bear it. I find it all a bit overwhelming. I love them all, very much, but only from a distance.

I'm not sure why this is, but I've been like this, since I can remember. I wonder whether it's anxiety related; although I don't feel anxious. But I know I do feel incredibly lonely (of my own doing, I guess)

Unfortunately it's moving from place to place that does it. We may have to move again in the next couple of years thanks to the fuck up that is Brexit and I dread the thought of starting over yet again.

I have no friends and very few relatives. There are precisely 3 people in my life. My 98 yr old mother who is in a nursing home. My 72 year old husband, who I live with and our 27 year old daughter who we see a few times a year.

Could have written most of these posts myself. DH and I are in the same boat and have spent years having basically no local friends. We moved over a year ago and know nobody except my parents nearby, but even before we moved we had few friends. Sure, there were 4 or 5 we socialised with on occasion, but none of them were the kind of people I could call for a chat or to go for coffee with me on the spur-of-the-moment or window shopping on a random Saturday. It was always evenings planned at least a few weeks in advance and usually once a month at most.

I have also described myself as an introverted extrovert: with my friends (from school, scattered across the country now so I see them once every year or two) I am one of the loud ones. When faced with new people I retreat into myself and hate trying to make conversation. I have to force myself to try and join in but spend the whole time constantly worrying that I'm not saying the right thing or that the other people aren't interested.

I'm a firm believer that it takes people a while to get to know the real me and that I come across to new people as stand-offish or something, when really I'm just feeling shy. DH doesn't help matters by suffering from anxiety, so it's hard for either of us to get out on our own and join a club or start a class.

I recently had our first baby so we are hoping to meet a couple of like-mine people through baby groups. I'm not asking for much, just two or three friends to meet up with regularly and who will call me to arrange an impromptu outing or cone with me when I do the same.

I hate being lonely in life, even though I have DH and DS. No solutions here, sorry, OP, but you're not alone!!

Me too. I tried out a meet-up group.

Me too. I tried out a meet-up group.

How did you find this? I’ve signed up to Meetup but a lot of the groups are in the nearest city 20 miles away - I’m not opposed per se to trying something like this but I would really just like some local friends, I can’t believe that it seems to be such the impossible task!

Thanks everyone, I’m glad I’m not alone.

I always worry whether I’m weird or different or if it’s just me worrying about that that’s putting people off.

Agree that with people I know well, I’m much louder and have such a great time, and they appear to be having a great time with me too, I think!!

I always say to myself that I wouldn’t have retained friendships with old colleagues if I was an awful person. People do text me and say let’s meet up for a catch up. It’s just not v regular and I wouldn’t call them in a crisis or just pop round or anything. And they have much closer friends who they do that with.

I think I’m just very sensitive and worry a lot about what people are thinking, my husband says I obsess about little things I’ve said that we’re silly even though no one would remember.

We’re not planning on getting pregnant yet but it’s on the cards for probably a year from now, so it’d be great to make friends through that. I often think my ex colleagues and uni mates will hopefully become closer once we all have kids and can’t go out so easily anymore.

I would love to have friends over for dinner and drinks and new year and have the kids all sleep upstairs or something like that, hopefully one day!

@ThePurpleFairy I live just outside a city so it's not too bad.

I've looked at meet-up groups, but it's hard with DHs work hours. My DPs look after DS before and after school and really don't want to do evenings as well, apart from one offs.

I was bullied at school so even though I've not moved areas i have no childhood friends even. It's quite depressing now I think about it. All the stuff people use for small talk round here isn't anything I can join in on, I don't watch soaps, or celeb stuff/Strictly/anything of that sort, we can't afford holidays, don't redecorate every six months, despite living here all my life I don't know of so and so's cousins friend who did some shocking gossip worthy thing.

My default position is hermit but as I've got older I tend to make more of an effort to make friends and keep up with relatives.
Facebook really helps, it's much easier to make friends when you are on social media.
Now I have lots of people I can see if I need to but I prefer to spend the majority of my time on my own.

I'm a billy no mates too. I still have my best friend from when I was a kid, but we see each other about every 6 months and tbh we don't actually have that much in common anymore.
I do have one other friend that I used to see a fair bit when the kids were young, but we've drifted apart and now meet up only a Christmas. I feel pretty crap about it tbh, but don't think I can do anything about it.