To ask you what to do?

[GrahamNortonsjacket]

Sorry, this is long.

I have been with my DH for 10 years, married for 8, two DDs age 6and 2. He is a lovely man but it is like having a third child. He is good at doing his share of childcare, but I do pretty much everything else - all admin, all planning of any activities, all the looking after DDs re doc's appointments, school admin etc. He is supposed to do the cooking as his share, but only does that once or twice a week and we are all eating a pretty rubbish diet as he doesn't bother with this any more.

Not uncommon I know - sadly. But gradually it has worn me down, it's like having a third child. I feel like I don't have any support in life, it's not an equal partnership, He is a lovely man, but so childlike sometimes. All my friends and family love him as he so clearly adores me (or at least used to), and he is from the same place as my dad, which makes my parents love him.

iHe is an introvert and most evenings just leaves me on my own and never socialises. We went out today for some drinks with my sister and her DH and for most of the night, I could see he was switched off and wasn't joining in. We are staying with my family and he has just gone to bed early most evening so as not to join in. I feel lonely.

When we first got together, he used to be so affectionate, lots of cuddles etc, but that has mostly gone. He does still want sex and does make me feel wanted, but I have no longer any interest in having sex with him.

I have no one in real life to discuss this with, they all think everything is rosy.

In the interests of not drip feeding, I have been having an emotional affair with a long term colleague for a while now. And while this is muddying the waters, my issues with DH are not the result of this, but rather the cause...
I'm not sure what I am asking, perhaps to get another perspective?? Do I tear our family apart? My DDs adore him. I would never get in the way of their seeing him.

I have been a lurker on Mumsnet for years and finally have decided to share my biggest my horrible dilemma with you wise Mumsnetters. Thoughts please?

Couples counselling?

Have you told him how you feel? Sought counselling? You have a lot to lose for problems that could be solve-able.

Thanks for the replies.
Counselling is something I have considered. I will talk to him about it I think, but part of me thinks it's gone too far.

And no Unexpected, he probably doesn't know how I feel. I have be talked about how lonely I feel, but I'm not sure he has the wherewithal to take it on board iyswim.

I think you need to separate out the two issues. Step away from the colleague while you work out what to do with your husband.

In the "wee small hours" do you think of your DH and you together in the future, for the next 50+ years, or not?
Only you know how you truly feel.
The colleague is a bit of a red herring, if not him it would be someone else, or even a film star for e.g. that you had a crush on/ daydreamed about, to escape from your mundane everyday life.
Answer honestly (to yourself) do you WANT it to work long term, if nothing changes, could it work if he does change? And if so, will/can he change?

You need to give him a chance. Get a babysitter and go out for an evening and lay it all out.

I'm not defending him but he deserves a chance to try to put it right.

Pombear, no, I don't think I do . The PP who said I should organise a date night to discuss - we haven't had one in a few years - he would never organise anything and I wasn't really fussed about spending an evening with him on our own which says a lot I guess.

But actually, having a proper conversation to tell
him how I feel is a sensible thing to do. I am scared of where it may go. My DDs adore him - I am feeling really selfish for even considering breaking up with their dad. Putting my happiness before theirs when things aren't really that bad - I have read about so many other abusive relationships on here and I am not in that position.

I think step back from colleague - you are right when you say it’s muddying the waters. If you had a proper chat at least it gives him something to think about.

You don't have to be the person in the world who's having the worst time possible for your unhappiness to be important and worth addressing.

Life is short. Just because a "perfect" life is not achievable, doesn't mean we can't or shouldn't take steps to create or find happiness in our everyday.

There are steps you can take before you get to leaving. But you do need to give yourself permission - and value yourself enough - to pursue them. Beating yourself up for being unhappy won't help.

Thanks Anouk, your post has made me quite emotional.

Thank you all for your replies - they have helped me see a way forward. I'll try to have a talk with him this weekend.