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AIBU?

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Original poster

My bf’s family prefer his ex

17 replies

EmmaH83 · 31/12/2018 19:05

I’m hoping that you lovely lot can give me some advice because tbh I’m sick of running this round in my head.

My bf and I have been together nearly 3 years and before that he was married and had a child with his ex.

Since I have been around his family they have always acted like I took him away from his ex but they had split up nearly a year before and she was already seeing someone else. They still think that he would have got back with her if I hadn’t have come along.

I can handle that but at every family gathering they individually go out of their way to make me feel uncomfortable from snide comments to his SIL actually blanking me.

My bf has made comments that hints he plans to propose next year and it fills me with dread. The thought of having to get married in front of this lot and having to feel uncomfortable makes me nervous. I’ve tried to hint at maybe a registry office with 4 witnesses but he wants a celebration of our love.

Anybody got any experience or advice?

Also for those of you who think I’m reading too much into things they don’t even address cards to me yet.

Please help?

OP posts:
LavaLampLover · 31/12/2018 19:08

They're arseholes.

PrettyLovely1 · 31/12/2018 19:10

Get married just dont invite them.

Merryoldgoat · 31/12/2018 19:13

What does your boyfriend say/do about their behaviour? My DH wouldn’t have put up with it and I’d not be willing to be with someone who wasn’t on my side.

MumW · 31/12/2018 19:15

Why does his preference trump yours?
What does he say when you tell him how his family make you feel?
I'm not sure I would want to get married until he sorted it out, TBH.

PurpleFlower1983 · 31/12/2018 19:22

Your DP needs to be doing something to nip this behaviour in the bud.

Strongmummy · 31/12/2018 19:23

Has your partner done/said anything? If not, why are you with him?

SnuggyBuggy · 31/12/2018 19:24

I wouldn't rush to marry him with this situation unresolved

Dimsumlosesum · 31/12/2018 19:35

I had similar with my husband. The thought of having to be in front of them, shudder. At first he was on and on about how "but it's a celebration of two families joining!" when I said I wanted to get married just us. Then as his delightful mother's behaviour worsened and he had his eyes opened, he was like nope, screw that. And we got married just us. Best decision ever. I don't blame you for not wanting them there for your special day.

Original poster
EmmaH83 · 31/12/2018 19:36

He spoke to them all over the summer and according to him told them to be nicer but in the other breath he says that he can’t control his family and do I want him to break all contact.

Of course I don’t want him to do that. I would just like them to be polite when I am around. I don’t think it’s too much to ask.

Oh and just to add some detail my bf although nearly 40 hasn’t passed his driving test so I often have to facilitate transport so he can see them.

I said that I’d just bow out with grace but he wants us all to get on. I’m not sure what else I can do. I make sure they all get birthday cards and gifts. I remind him of important dates and I make sure their children get meaningful gifts.

OP posts:
Mickeysminnie2 · 31/12/2018 19:52

Your boyfriend is an arsehole. Why would you buy them gifts, drive him to meet them so that they can be mean to you?
You need to have a look at yourself and figure out why you feel that being treated like dirt is just what you deserve.

Princesspeachy0 · 31/12/2018 20:55

This is so horrible of them AND your boyfriend.
After 3 years of this crap he really should have told them to treat you with respect.

extremelymaturecheese · 31/12/2018 21:14

It sucks, but you mention that your boyfriend has a child with his ex. If so, I imagine your ex's family probably feel loyalty to your partner's ex because of the child involved.

I would take a look at the Step Parenting thread here on Mumsnet to look at the practicalities of similar situations. In brief: you need a thick hide and a partner who is sensitive to the needs of their child as well as yours. There was a sad thread called "Excluded from The Wedding" (I think it was called that) from earlier this year which was from a lady who over the years, has been deliberately excluded from her husband's celebrations and visits with his family and most recently, the wedding of one of his now adult kids.

After three years, it's unlikely to improve and would personally start to think whether you're ready for this sort of baggage to continue for years, decades etc.

You're already down the pecking order and Mr 40yr old non-driver wants you to chauffeur him about and manage his social diary.

In your shoes, I'd start running for the hills.

ImNotKitten · 31/12/2018 21:19

Why are you being his chauffeur? It’s his choice not to drive, he needs to make his own travel arrangements.

His lack of protectiveness over you is a massive turn off. If they haven’t accepted you after 3 years I doubt they ever will. Why does he tolerate his family treating his partner so terribly?

WorraLiberty · 31/12/2018 21:25

I was just going to say you two need to stop 'hinting' at each other and sit down to talk like adults.

But then I read on and realised your boyfriend appears to be a 40 year old child.

I make sure they all get birthday cards and gifts. I remind him of important dates and I make sure their children get meaningful gifts.

Why in God's name would you do that? You're not his mum or his secretary Confused

flamingofridays · 31/12/2018 21:29

Are you me Grin

Dps family dont like me a love his ex. Fuck knows why. She clearly the pyschotic scrounging daughter they never had.

Were getting married. We have to invite them (because altho dp knows theyre knobs he still loves them) so im just going to be civil with them but if they mention her name theyre out.

I am worried his dad will invite her.

Leeds2 · 31/12/2018 21:30

Stop buying/ordering their gifts.
Stop facilitating your DP's transport in seeing these people.
When they can treat you with respect, maybe reconsider.
I certainly wouldn't be marrying someone who allowed his family to treat me like this, without doing anything about it.

Whompthatwillow · 31/12/2018 21:34

My MIL is the same so I said that if she was at the wedding I wouldn't be. We eloped.

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