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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect children not to come between friendship?

26 replies

quadrophenia · 27/06/2007 17:01

Bit of a long story, sorry!
My ddt1 as been unhappy at school for a while, she finally told me this week that she feels she is being bullied by my good friends dd and some other children. She told me some of the things that have been happening and despite my awareness that this is what girls are like i did feel quite unhappy at some of the comments. Consequently rather than approach school, I decided to speak to friend who was incredibly apologetic. Our conversation was in no way a confrontation, more of a what shall we do about this situation. Anyway this week i happened to have to go into school during lunch hour, and on my arrival i found my dd sobbing at the school fence. It broke my heart, she was very, very upset. It was at this point I decided to make school aware as it involves more children than just my friends dd. Anyway i spoke to the teacher and told my friend i had done so, again she was understanding, apologetic and quite cross with her dd. Teacher spoke to the children in circle time and since i have brought all my children home for lunch (dd crying in front of two teachers who did nothing was enough to make me decide to bring them home).
Anyway friend was decidedly cool with me yesterday and today seemed to go out of her way to avoid me and despite our paths crossing on two occasions she acted as if she hadn't seen me. Now i don't really want to to get into an arguement with her but I am completely bemused as to what the problem is. I spoke to her about this situation in the hope of finding some resolution. I'm not sure whtehr to leave it a few days and see if things improve or email her and just ask her if things are okay? Suggestions please, have i been unreasonable?

OP posts:
saadia · 27/06/2007 17:04

How horrible for your dd. How old is she? I'm not really sure what else you could have done, so no I don't think you have been unreasonable. I would e-mail and try to clear things up as soon as possible.

lulumama · 27/06/2007 17:06

maybe she is totally embarrassed and finding it difficult to face you ?

WigWamBam · 27/06/2007 17:06

She's probably embarrassed.

If you're going to talk to her, I wouldn't leave it too long in case she thinks that you have an issue with her over this. Plus, the longer you leave these things, the harder they become. Drop her an email or give her a ring.

If she's a good friend, you can overcome this.

PenelopePitstops · 27/06/2007 17:08

try to contact her and say that its not her fault. She probably feels awful as its her child and doesn't know what to say to you. How would you feel if your child had been bullying her dd, she is probably embarrassed.

PavlovtheCat · 27/06/2007 17:09

talk to her, definitely. Find out what is actually wrong, and if it is related an incorectly perceived problem with your actions you can dispell the issues immediately.

Sounds like you have done the right thing. What a horrible situation, for you, and esp for your DD .

kittywits · 27/06/2007 17:10

That's a tricky one. Perhaps your friend feels embarrased by her dd's behaviour. I can imagine that I would fee so . Perhaps she feels that you don't want to be as friendly considering what her dd has done?
In you place I would talk to her. I wouldn't email or text. Speak to her face to face if possible because it's much more likely that things will be misinterpreted if you can't see the speaker's body language and hear the tone of their voice ( look whathappens on MN!)
Good luck, I hope the situation can be resolved for all of you

Original poster
quadrophenia · 27/06/2007 17:12

I think you guys are probably right in that she may be embaressed, I really hope we can resolve it though as she has no need to be, ultimately they are children. I think if it were the other way round my embaressment would make me over compnesate in the friendly stakes so her cold ness is a bit strange to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
quadrophenia · 27/06/2007 17:14

thanks for your responses btw. Its hard to talk to her face to face , as she is avoiding me. I really vowed that i wouldn't lose friends over kids falling outs, although this is slightly more serious than that. Last time we spoke before yesterday she was absolutely fine.

OP posts:
PenelopePitstops · 27/06/2007 17:21

do you have her phone number?

or just walk straigh into her and say look i dont want to fall out with you and suggest you go for a coffee or something to try and sort it out.

Original poster
quadrophenia · 27/06/2007 17:25

yeah i do have her phone number, we are really good friends. right will sort it this evening, I really hope things are cool.

OP posts:
MaryBS · 27/06/2007 18:50

Let us know how it goes.

I've a good friend whose blind spot is her 7yo son and the tantrums he throws. I agreed to look after him for 15 mins in the mornings so she could get to work on time. Amongst other things he threw things at me and tried to bite me because he wouldn't be told off. He thumped my daughter because she'd sat in a chair he'd vacated. I had to stop having him.

We were embarrassed round each other for a while (and occasionally since, when he has hit my dd), but do our best not to let it come between us.

Oblomov · 27/06/2007 18:55

Sounds like embarrassment.

PenelopePitstops · 27/06/2007 19:55

good luck quadrophenia it will make you and her feel better.

Boco · 27/06/2007 20:02

Sounds like a really tricky situation, hope you resolve something tonight - good luck

FrannyandZooey · 27/06/2007 20:08

I think it is more than embarrassment, I think hearing someone else criticise your child, even if you know damn well they are right, is VERY hard to take

it also feels like it reflects directly on you and your parenting, so she will be feeling a lot of uncomfortable and unpleasant emotions right now, all of which she will be associating with seeing and talking to you

you haven't done anything wrong, but you can see why she feels like avoiding you

wheresthehamster · 27/06/2007 20:12

She may have gone home and got cross with her dd who then got upset and told her some of the things that YOUR dd had been saying and doing....

This happened to me

wheresthehamster · 27/06/2007 20:59

I'm sorry, I've just come back to this thread and realised how cold and unsupportive my last post sounded.
It wasn't meant like that at all

MrsCarrot · 27/06/2007 21:11

IME it is very easy for people to fall out over their children, or at least have periods where they're not in contact so much.

In theory you shouldn't, but you feel so protective of them that even if it your dc who is the supposed perpetrator, your instinct is to believe what they say, rather than believe they are bullying others.

The whole situation is very uncomfortable but children are fickle, they may be best friends next week. In the meantime you will do whatever you can to support your dd, and if your friend retreats during this there's not much you can do about it is she is avoiding you, but do try and ring her.

I have been in this situation a few times with dd, never with Ds1 though, and whenever we have been good friends it has resolved itself in the end. Hope it settles down.

Justaboutmanaging · 28/06/2007 08:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SweetyDarling · 28/06/2007 09:11

What happened Quad?

Lolly68 · 28/06/2007 09:59

Quad - let us know what happened. I she must be embarrassed about the whole situation. I do hope you sort it you.

Original poster
quadrophenia · 28/06/2007 19:49

Hi thanks for your messages, I ended up emailing friend, turns out i was being completely paranoid, no problemo she was having a bad day and didn't see me. I have to admit I feel really relieved, we are good friends, and I hated the thought of upsetting her. I guess I was feeling paranoid, as i felt really uncomfortable about the whole situation

OP posts:
kittywits · 28/06/2007 21:32

So glad everything's ok. Well done for contacting her, she probably really appreciates the fact that you obviously care about your friendship enough to contact her. Hope your dd's become friends again soon.

Original poster
quadrophenia · 28/06/2007 22:00

they played together today, cheers Kittywitts

OP posts:
calordan · 29/06/2007 09:31

She sounds like a really good friend, and i think your friendship will be ok, had a similar situation a few years ago and i went to my friend like u did, she spoke to her dd and came back and said mine must be lying, end of friendship.

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