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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask how you make it work with little help from DH?

23 replies

whirligigwhirligig · 31/12/2018 13:06

I know I should get him to help more but that is not happening right now & I am exhausted & not coping. We have a cleaner & 2 days nursery a week (when I work), & a slow cooker which helps cook while not looking after a toddler. Grandparents help a bit. I do the food shop online. What else do you do to make things easier for yourself / make things work?

OP posts:

Wordthe · 31/12/2018 13:08

you'll have to find a way of making the domestic work his problem otherwise you will always be on the back foot and you will never catch up

Fleurchamp · 31/12/2018 13:09

Lower standards.
Meal plan. Batch cook.
Get clothes either out/ planned in your head the night before.
I have been (loosely) following the organised mum method as even with a cleaner it still needs to be done - just 10/15 mins a day makes a huge difference in my house.

Do NOTHING for him - do not run yourself ragged over a grown man.

Theducksarenotmyfriends · 31/12/2018 13:10

I spend one sat a month away from dp and dc to be with friends and regain sanity. Having time to yourself is really important, your dh needs to do more (but you already know this).

We also meal plan, makes life much easier.I end up doing most of cooking and planning but always plan for dp to make some meals and write it on calendar. I hate having majority of the mental load but falls to me as I work part time....

Theducksarenotmyfriends · 31/12/2018 13:13

We don't have a cleaner but do have very low standards! It's vaguely clean and tidy, I figure an over clean house is bad for dc anyway health wise!

Tattybear16 · 31/12/2018 13:13

There are lots of us that don’t have a DH to help. We just get on with it, cut some corners, get organised and things get better once the DC get older. It’s easier without the DH as it’s one less to cook and clean for, if they are not pulling their weight.

mindutopia · 31/12/2018 13:14

Book yourself in for some time alone. The best way to make sure he's 'helping' (er, parenting) is to not allow any other option. Book a weekend away for yourself. Plan a night out with friends. Take a day and get on the train and go to a museum or take yourself out to lunch far from home. Leave him to get on with it. He'll work it out and you'll feel re-charged.

Otherwise, honestly, having grandparents to help and a cleaner is pretty fantastic (didn't have either of these when mine was a toddler or now). I also had a 6 hour commute several days a week. While my dh obviously was very hands on, it wouldn't have mattered really if he hadn't been by choice because he was just left to deal with it. I got up and left for work by 5:30am 1-3 days a week and didn't get home til 6pm. There was no one else but him to do this so he had to parent. Similarly, we both booked weekends away and the other parent did everything in that time. Actually, when my eldest was 17 months, I was away for 2 weeks with work in the U.S. and Australia. It was great for them. What my dh hadn't already figured out by then, he did pretty quickly without me around. And I felt like a new person when I got back. (Obviously, you don't have to disappear for 2 weeks - wasn't really a choice anyway for me, had to go for meetings - but time together is great for them).

Coronapop · 31/12/2018 13:14

Ask DH to take DCs out for the day (or half day) on eg Saturday or Sunday. It will give you some time, help him realise how demanding childcare is and should be fun for the DCs eg trip to park/walk in the woods/ cinema/lunch in cafe etc

Slothslothsloth · 31/12/2018 13:16

Is it viable for you to stop cooking for him altogether and buying foods he likes? That might bring it home to him how dependent on you he is for the basics. Also obviously stop ironing, washing, making lunches, anything you do for him specifically. And stop having sex with him unless you actively want to (I can’t imagine how you could want to though when he’s so useless?). I say this because I find many women in your position have sex on their list as a kind of additional chore. So when you’re considering things you do for his benefit, sex must be cut out.

Obviously this is not useful advice for this particular moment, but in the long term look to LTB if he doesn’t improve, as he will then take the DC at least a day or two a week and you’ll be guaranteed a break.

YY to lower standards, although I myself find this advice a bit hard to follow.

Coronapop · 31/12/2018 13:17

Ask him to cook some meals on a regular basis eg one or two evenings a week maybe on your work days, or weekends if that isn't practical.

sackrifice · 31/12/2018 13:18

Thinking that he would be 'helping' is your first mistake.

If he lives there too he needs to pull his weight.

Original poster

whirligigwhirligig · 31/12/2018 13:23

Thanks, all. And @sackrifice & @mindutopia you're right, "helping" is the wrong phrase. I do know he should be doing more. He does do a bit of cooking & round the house. And also I know I am lucky to have a cleaner & a little help (though only a 3 or 4 hours a week) from grandparents & very very lucky to be able to do nursery at all when so many can't. But these suggestions are very helpful, thank you.

OP posts:

StrongerThanIThought76 · 31/12/2018 14:34

I got it to work by getting divorced from the lazy piece of shit.

Seriously OP, you have a cleaner, childcare, and grandparents on hand. Stop 'doing' for him - stop 'doing it all'. You sound at the end of your tether and SOMETHING has to change or you will broken.

HairyDogsFeet · 31/12/2018 14:45

Do you work 2 days a week?

Xuli · 31/12/2018 14:47

Which things is it you struggle to manage right now?

TheBigBangRocks · 31/12/2018 14:48

DH doesn't help he simply does his share. We both work full time so house stuff is shared equally as well.

Maybe you need a rethink, most manage to work full time, run a house and have no cleaner or grandparent help. Given everything you have, you should have plenty of spare time.

WorraLiberty · 31/12/2018 14:51

What else do you do to make things easier for yourself / make things work?

I married an adult who would feel like shit if he didn't pull his weight around the house.

Even if that wasn't the case, I'd still insist on it.

Don't be a doormat. Life's too short.

madmum5811 · 31/12/2018 14:54

On the two days a week you work I would suggest an easy meal. Otherwise you have five days in which to prepare and cook food. Batch cooking is great, if you have a freezer. I used to chuck all the toys etc. in two large toy boxes and a travel cot when toddler went to bed. My OH worked 12 hour days seasonal even more so I was a lone parent in the summer.

Original poster

whirligigwhirligig · 31/12/2018 15:48

Ok some of this is a bit unsupportive! I am freelance so work what should be 4 days a week but fit it in during the 12 hours’ nursery time plus evenings, nap times & a couple of hours while my mother helps. DH doesn’t do nothing & I am working on getting him to do more but in the meantime I wanted some strategies / ideas. Thanks everyone who’s given me those.

OP posts:

TacoLover · 31/12/2018 15:52

I suppose people just want you to bite the bullet and make him do more work now, because of he sees you coming up with all these strategies on making it easier for yourself then he will use it as an excuse to not do anything. You're just prolonging the problem.

OutPinked · 31/12/2018 15:53

Agreed with PP that suggested easy meals on your working days. Even if you get a take away sometimes or resort to beans on toast/jacket spuds/freezer foods etc don’t fret about it for the sake of two meals a week.

I always advise people to clean as you go, it’s how I’ve managed to get by in life. If you see some mess near the sofa as you get up to go make a brew, take it with you. Whilst you’re waiting for the kettle to boil, wipe the sides down or put some dishes away etc. That’s honestly how I get by in life, by almost constantly doing things. Machines also save my skin a lot, I couldn’t live without the tumble dryer and dishwasher as a working mum of four.

But it is true that your DH needs to pull his weight. Don’t do anything for him at all. I stopped putting my DP’s washing away for example because I was tired of him not helping.

Northernsights · 31/12/2018 16:13

I’m also freelance (although dc are older) it’s tough to fit in working around little ones! Not sure how much nap time you get and how much you need to work, but aim for 15 mins first thing to do quick kitchen wipe down plus laundary and anything pressing. Then dinner in slow cooker (enough to freeze some for days you don’t have time). Everything else can wait if you have a cleaner or until dh gets home

WorraLiberty · 31/12/2018 16:15

You don't need to 'work on' your DH pulling his weight OP

You two need to sit down together, with a pen and paper. Work out who has more time and when etc.

Then sort out an even schedule between you.

It'll be great for you and great for your DC to grow up in a home where their parents show mutual respect and teamwork.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 31/12/2018 16:21

Don't do ironing. Do your own washing each. I prep what i can for meals the night before we the kids are asleep as it's impossible to do lots of cooking and looking after them at the same time. Try and book a class or something at the same time each week so it automatically becomes your time. We got a handheld Dyson and do the odd bit if hoovering here and there that I wouldn't have bothered doing beige when I had to get the big hoover out. We are probably a bit manky about how often we change bed sheets and towels etc, it doesn't hurt us.

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