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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would I be in the wrong here?

13 replies

milkshakers · 31/12/2018 09:58

I had 2 very close friends in my friendship group for a good few years. They were close friends with each other too.
Friend 1 had a DP who we were all really close to as well, they were together for 3 years (no children).
Friend 1 has always been a bit selfish in the friendship and a bit absorbed in herself and I'm usually the one doing a lot of the listening but she's got better since splitting with DP and would count her as a very good friend.
Friend 2 was probably the least selfish friend I've had, would drop anything to be with you if something was up, would do anything to cheer you up, and wouldn't even mention any problems going on with her if she knew you needed her.

Then earlier this year, friend 2 and friend 1's DP decided they had feelings for each other and cut friend 1 out and started a relationship together.

I sided with friend 1 and didn't speak to friend 2 or her DP since.
Now I'm wondering whether I was hasty with friend 2 after how much she was there for me for and how strong our friendship was, and should I contact her? Or is that a betrayal to friend 1 and what she did was unforgivable anyway?

OP posts:

OwlinaTree · 31/12/2018 10:00

Difficult. If friend 1 and hubby had already split before friend 2 got together with him can't you be friends with both? I imagine you won't do stuff together but you could see them separately?

Original poster

milkshakers · 31/12/2018 10:36

@OwlinaTree he left friend 1 for friend 2!

OP posts:

alliejay81 · 31/12/2018 11:02

I think you should stick with your gut reaction. There was no real choice but to pick a side. Even when couples split in less dramatic circumstances, you generally end up have to let one of the friendships go (or at least cool off)...

I'm sure you miss Friend 2, you are a casualty of the affair too, but I think you've done the best thing tbh.

Thehop · 31/12/2018 11:04

They sound like the better ones to have as friends but their behaviour would mean I also sided with friend 1.....of you feel you can’t be friends with both?

Thesmallthings · 31/12/2018 11:16

I think in this case id stick with friend one.

There's a unspoken rule you do not get with a close friends long term ex. Esp if they arnt in the teens or early 20's or the first friend is not happy
about it.

It would change my view about them and rightly or wrongly wouldn't be able to trust them near a partner of mine

Huntawaymama · 31/12/2018 11:21

Stick with friend 1. However lovely friend 2 is you don't behave like that and do that to your friends. Hes also a twat who hurt your friend

DontTouchTheMoustache · 31/12/2018 11:22

Friend 1 needs your support right now, friend 2 has the DP. I would possibly contact friend 2 and explain that you need to be there for friend 1 and she will come first. Tell her you believe she has behaved terribly and you probably will take a long time to forgive what she has done. This is assuming you would want to have some form or relationship with her in the future.
Friend 1 would see you being friendky with her now as another betrayal.

OwlinaTree · 31/12/2018 11:38

Oh I misread that!

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 31/12/2018 11:49

No it's one thing for a relationship to break up and then in the future a friend and ex begin a relationship it's a very different situation for a friend and partner to have an affair, then ditch the friend/wife to be together!

I think in the first circumstance I'd be ok with it (even if secretly it might hurt) but in the second circumstance I would be devastated! It's one of the worst things a friend can do to another and as for the ex well obviously he's not even worth the words it would take to describe him.

I personally wouldn't want a friend who could do that to another friend!
That friend sat with her and was friendly with her and let her friend trust her all the while knowing that because of what they were doing her friends life was about to explode and did it anyway.

CoughLaughFart · 31/12/2018 11:50

It will be very difficult to maintain a friendship with F1 if you actively seek to get in contact with F2.

To give you an example, many years back my parents were ripped off, badly, by a couple they thought were close friends. Another couple from the same friendship group actively told my parents that, whilst they were sorry about the situation, they wouldn’t be dropping the thieving friends. My parents responded that, in that case, they’d made their choice. 25 years on, they’ve never spoken again - whereas the friends who stood up and said ‘No - you don’t treat friends like that’ are still my parents’ friends 25 years later.

Escolar · 31/12/2018 11:54

I think you did the right thing. Friend 2 may be a nice person generally and I wouldn't rule out being friends with her in the future, but at the time you had to pick a side and it would have been really unkind to abandon Friend 1 at that point.

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 31/12/2018 11:54

On another note though separate from this situation you don't need to be friends with someone (friend 1) who is not actually being a good friend to you.

You describe friend one in a way that doesn't sound like a good friendship I know that obviously things are complicated by her marriage breakdown at the moment but long term it is perfectly ok for you to reevaluate your friendship with her, you deserve people who can both take and give in your life.

Pachyderm1 · 31/12/2018 11:54

he left friend 1 for friend 2!

Then you’ve made the right choice. However much she was there for you, this was a terrible betrayal and reveals who she really is.

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