To be pissed off with DH?

[Mississippilessly]

15 week old DS. Poor sleeper at the mo. He has improved in the last week. Pattern of 8 PM bedtine, feeds at 1 and 4. But he wakes around 5 and is unsettled.
We have been going to bed when he does. Last night DH couldn't sleep. He had just gone at 1am, had clearly had a wank and watched some TV. So of course when it came to 5am resettle he is too tired.
I've been awake since 4am. DS is asleep on me, DH asleep next to me. This is not equal and I'm fucked off

Do you breast feed or part bottle feed?
Just say to your dh he can do the 1am feed every night, that way he can have his wank. You can grab some kip from say 9ish. That gives you a good run from 9 till 4am. At the very least dh and you could alternate doing the 1am feed.
It gets much easier I promise (with the baby, not your dh)
If your dh is t getting the fact you need support and a break or good sleep, then slap him in the face with it by being incredibly blunt.
You could always switch the internet off at night using parental controls if your big kid won’t be a good boy.

ozzie that's very fucking tempting.
DS is EBF. The 5am resettle would have really made a difference for me

I had a breakdown early this year because I was doing nights with our 4dc alone and surviving on less than 3hrs a night sleep.
Dont do that.
I didnt just hand the baby/kids over because he kept falling asleep holding them etc. But my fear that he would put them in danger meant that he was never forced to stand up to the responsibilities.
Towards the end of the year I just handed them over and left him to it as much as I possibly could, he was completely overwhelmed and finally was able to understand what it's like.
I found with DH that until he actually really experienced it, he couldn't visualise it. He said to me that he thought he was tired and badly done to but now realises he didnt appreciate what I was going through at all.
It has been a complete life changer.
Also having a sleep tracker that shows how many times a night I'm up and awake means it's there for him to see whats actually going on while hes getting a block of good sleep.
I know you shouldnt have to do any of these things but for us at least the "life changing" part of parenting happened naturally to me but not to DH and I realise my behaviour enabled him to keep doing whatever he wanted and because I didn't 'let' him experience it for himself he just turned into a selfish arse.
For clarification I already had 2dc from previous relationship, then we had 2 more dc 15 months apart.

Interesting oddsocks. Thanks. I'm glad things are better now.

Is this just a one off that he has done this?

Honestly I couldn't sleep at 8pm. Even when the kids were babies.

notaclue it was 9 by the time we got to settling ourselves. I agree its early but there is a big difference between 9 and 1

Of course there is a difference. But I couldn't do it . If I can't sleep, I can't sleep.

That's why I am asking if it's a one off.

As a one off I would let it go - but then head back to bed later myself for a nap, or wake dh up now and have a couple more hours myself.

If it becomes a longer term thing, then it’s his choice. If his job is to do the 5am resettle, he needs to do it no matter what time he goes to bed. And you need to make that clear to dh and not take over if he is struggling to be awake for it.

My DH is a night owl and it’s been an issue for us at times - mainly that I’ve felt irritated that I’m making the responsible choice to go to bed early because I’m tired, then he’s staying up late and is tired so I feel bad asking him to wake with the dc etc. But I do love my sleep so overcome those feelings and leave dh to do what he’s said he will / what I feel is fair!

Are you getting any time together of an evening though? Our relationship suffered in those early weeks when dc was always with us and improved massively for an hour or so in the evening with dc already asleep. I know sleep has to be the priority but perhaps try staying up a little after dc goes down at 8 to have some time like the old days (even though all you will talk about is dc!). I suggest this because it sounds like the fact he’s had a wank has hurt you a little too.

Lol it's not equal and probably never will be! Even when men say they will do night feeds/changes etc they usually just sleep through. You'll wake up when your baby cries, but they just lay there snoring.
And then you'll get the excuse 'oh but I've been at work all day...'

azulmariposa my exh was a dick. But still managed to do plenty at night. My babies were bottle fed so it was easier.

All men don't sleep through and don't pitch in.

sdaisy26 no we aren't getting any time. I'm so tired. Definitely slightly hurt. Esp as it turns out he watched porn.

It really depends if this is an occasional one off or it's a regular occurance.

Is this the first time or a regular occurrence?

I absolutely hate porn and don't believe it should be apart of any marriage.

I would be fuming too!
He chose to stick his head into porn and neglect his families needs. That isn't okay.

I would be talking to him about this today, if it was me.

He's normally pretty good. I'm just pissed off because I'm tired and he doesn't seem to appreciate that.

He also suggested if we are going to have another we should do it soon

If porn is an issue. Then you need to sort that.

But, I am sure he isn't the first man or woman to have a wank when they can't sleep.

If he is usually good and normally does make sure you get rest, then I would let this go. Because honestly, there are always times when we need to get the other person to pick up the slack.

I think if this isn't a regular occurance it's unfair to brand it unequal. As you you are ebf, it's never going to be 50:50. But if he is pulling his weight in general, then I would let this go.

There will come a time where you would want him to do the same, without getting angry.

I think you're being too harsh on him for a one off. Going to bed by 9pm sounds like neither of you get any leisure time in the evenings! Why not take turns staying up late, so whoever is on late shift does the first couple of feeds?

Mine only slept 1-2 hour stretches as a small baby, DH was working away a lot so I just got used to being up and down in the night. She had daytime naps so I learnt to cat nap. Sleep deprivation is horrible, but it doesn't last long