Wealthy relatives and acquaintances making me feel depressed

[Notcontent]

I am in quite an unusual position in that my exH is very well off and his family even more so. I am ok financially but definitely not rich. I have just spent a few days with my exPIL and I have to say the experience has left me feeling rather drained. They are nice people but so focused on themselves and seem completely detached from normal life. All the conversation seemed to be about their multiple homes, etc.

I think that sometimes when people are in very different financial circumstances it’s almost as if they live on different plsnets. AIBU to think that?

Why is this making you depressed?

Well to be fair, if that’s their life then they’re going to chat about it. It doesn’t sound like they were doing it deliberately to upset you? I’m not sure why that makes you feel depressed tbh.

I don't think it's normal for wealthy people to openly discuss their wealth, particularly in mixed company. Are they just generally crass people?

But are they “openly discussing their wealth” as in bragging about how much money they have, or are they just chatting about what’s going on in their lives? I mean we’re wealthier than some of our friends, less wealthy than others, but we all still chat about what’s going on. We do own more than one property, so if we were renovating one, having trouble with a tenant etc then we are likely to chat about it and I’m not sure why that should upset anybody else?

I do think some people can have no idea how they sound. For me visiting relatives can be very difficult as well. So I can understand why you feel upset . Sounds like they do not mean to upset you though . Try to concentrate on what is going well for you.

I think that sometimes when people are in very different financial circumstances it’s almost as if they live on different plsnets. AIBU to think that?

No, YANBU to think that. But YABU to expect them not to do chat normally around you, about whatever is normal for them.

It can seem surreal and unsettling when people are casually talking about personal circumstances and a lifestyle that you just cannot imagine ever applying to you. But it works both ways.

You can't expect people to have to constantly censor what for them is normal conversation about their lives, just in case they might say something that makes you feel depressed or inferior. It's not reasonable or practical.

Obviously, if you know you are speaking to someone who is suffering in straitened circumstances or homelessness or whatever, it would be insensitive to bang on about your next 20k holiday or your brand new Mercedes, but I imagine they see you as family, you know their situation, so why should they need to pretend around you?

Do you have to keep seeing your exPILs? If I split up with DH (not on the cards btw) then I would expect my PILs to see the DC during his contact time.

Their homes are their everyday reality though - just not yours. You say they are exPILs would that have something to do with them being draining? Make the visits shorter next time if you are not prepared to change the subject or make light of their subject matter. On Ladies of London one of the DH's listened to his wife rant on about some inane first world luxe problem and he said 'Poor Caroline, are your diamond shoes too tight?'

You know what, there is always someone worse off that you. Imagine Meghan Markles Christmas? Well off in-laws, multiple houses and so out of touch - the Queen gave a speech about everyone pulling together through difficult times in front of a gold piano. Cringe.

I'm not sure, would you prefer they don't talk about their homes and life when you are present?

I doubt it was bragging as you've known them a long time, more they were simply talking about their lives. They may well be self absorbed, or actually you may be the self absorbed one and that's why you're reacting this way, as you're comparing it to your situation. It's very hard to judge.

If you struggle with them and their lives it's best to distance yourself. There is no need for you to be with them now, I'm assuming there are kids involved hence why you were, but let their father take control.

DH comes from a very wealthy family. The house talk is just normal conversation, a part of their everyday lives. For example FIL has sold off about 7 of his houses since SMIL died two years ago and is looking to sell more of them. He discusses it with Dh a lot. It's not to brag or gloat, just part of their lives, like talking about work or the weather Nothing to get depressed about.

He has more than 7 houses? Greedy fucker!

It's difficult. That's their life. They are not detached from "normal" life. Just from what seems normal to you because "normal" is really subjective.

It is exactly the same as when I used to go for visits back in the country of my birth and when I was telling a funny story from a pub or somewhere many took it as bragging about living abroad. But I lived abroad and had no stories from the country of my birth at that time. Wasn't bragging but other option would be to just sit there silently. I was just talking about my normal day to day life.

What left you feeling so drained?

It is exactly the same as when I used to go for visits back in the country of my birth and when I was telling a funny story from a pub or somewhere many took it as bragging about living abroad.

I think that's a very common reaction from people who feel envious of others who they perceive to have fallen on their feet.

Everything that comes out of that person's mouth is jumped upon as 'gloating' or 'bragging' or 'rubbing our noses in it' or 'looking down their noses at us.'

It usually says far more about the person making the accusation than it does about the person allegedly doing the bragging. We see it on here a lot and I always take those posts with a pinch of salt. Some people just find it really hard to be happy for others who have done well.

I remember reading a post on here once where someone's friend had moved to a hot climate and having a lovely time. Her 'friend' posted something like 'She's all over facebook thinking she's better than us now just because she's got a poxy plunge pool in her garden.'

I imagine pools in gardens are pretty commonplace wherever that woman moved to, I doubt she thought it made her better than anyone at all but that poster couldn't see past her own green eyed feelings of inferiority.

@KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin sadly you are right and it is a common reaction. It's also funny/sad how quickly their tune changes when the bill is coming. Suddenly you are awesome persone who is just lovely and very blessed making wages in GBP and surely then you are picking up the tab... Well, no. I am not.

Re the swimming pools. You don't even have to move to hot climate. It's very common having swimming pools in Central Europe. That OP would probably not be able to be friends with half of Europe's population 😂

Bernadette

Mmm, I don't know how many houses he has now. They are not houses families would live in for the most part though. They are either big fancy rich people houses that are pretty much purposely built to sit empty, look pretty, and be visited for a weekend once every couple of years but employ people to upkeep them year round or apartments in cities they frequent for business so use a lot.

In the words of the 90s band James 'if I hadn't seen such riches I could live with being poor' I couldn't agree more!

From what you intimate they don't seem to be bragging. You were at one time family by marriage, and are obviously still considered close so you obviously had some insight into their financial situation and they just considered it just normal "family talk". Are they waxing financial to strangers or bare acquaintance.