Can't get a word in with PIL AIBU

[glowingtwigs]

My MIL and FIL are great but both quite strong personalities in their own different ways. MIL is well known for long,continuous chat and FIL for slightly aggressive banter and impatience.

I've been with DH for nearly 5 years, married 10 months. My issue is despite staying with them many times and they with us, is I feel like they don't know the real me. I can be a bit quiet sometimes, but actually I have a demanding job which involves a great deal of public speaking. When I'm with the PILs I literally don't ever get to speak properly because someone else is always talking or interrupting (they are a big family so at times like Christmas, I've noticed that sometimes there is literally four people all talking at once; no one listens to anyone else, they just keep going - it's hard to know who to look at!)

If anyone asks me a question, I might get to say five or six words before I'm interrupted and the conversation turns back to them. Due to all this, I worry that they think I'm a bit dull and I'm really not, I'm funny and can be a bit boisterous... they never see this because I never get the chance to be when I'm with them. This Christmas there was concern that I was 'a bit quiet'! Do I just need to get a bit more shouty?!

Get outrageously drunk and do something spectacularly embarrassing

Then they won't think you are dull, here just to get you started

You say there was concern that you are "a bit quiet". How did you respond? Don't get shouty. Can you just be concise but honest?

"Honestly, I am usually the life and soul. But with you I simply can't get a word in edgeways so I have given up trying."

I have the same.

It's too much like hard work to do anything about it though, tbh.

As long as DH sees 'you' and in the rest of your life you feel valued for you then what does it really matter? That's how i deal with it.

Think of yourself as something rather precious that their social clumsiness means they're missing out on

@Laiste I don't suppose it does really. I just think it's a shame that they don't know the full 'me'. DH just thinks I'm being too polite when I'm with them!

The more I think about it, they are just rude!

Are your in laws my in laws?

I’ve not been allowed to finish a sentence in 11 years. As a result they know nothing about me, and are constantly surprised when I prove myself to be nothing like them.

Oh if they are just rude you should kill them with kindness, or not go round at all

@stroan same here. I've stopped bothering.

@Redshoeblueshoe haha that's a good idea! Except we are ttc so not sure can do atm 😂

I've been a bit pissed around them before obviously, but it doesn't seem to make a difference, aside from I probably just kept on talking at the same time rather than just trailing into silence.

@5foot5 I think I just laughed and said 'am I?!' 😂

Oh well I'm going to be really naughty and suggest you spike their drinks
(This is obviously a joke)

Funny there's a few of us with exactly this same issue. Are you all my four SILs?!

Did you grow up in a large family op?

I think I share the same IL's too!!

Ten years in and I have now gone native and just talk over them. If I have something I need them to hear I have to say it about 5 times before you can be sure someone has heard it.

@glowingtwigs you could be describing my family 😂, it’s a bit much for me and I was born into that type of family but tbh I love the chaos and volume of it after visiting my far more polite and normal friends families. There all so quiet, just do as they do and all will be fine.

Yep sounds just like my ILs too - they don't know me well at all, 11 years and counting! If she's not talking over me, MIL likes to ask me a question then wander off out of the room part way through me answering....

Don't be like my dh who just shuts down in my parents' company, OP! They think he's quiet but in reality, he's the life and soul of the party. They, however, don't allow anyone else air time. I've stopped them before and told the Dh was speaking, but they forget to let him speak and he won't fight. We don't see much of them now, thank God.

My cousins are all like this and I'm the youngest, so growing up I never got a word in edgeways. I've always been thought of as quiet, but it's a description my friends and colleagues would laugh at.

Now we are older I don't keep in touch with them because it feels like they don't know me and it's too late to change their minds

Let it go. If they don’t know you in another 5 years maybe do something about it. Right now, it’s a bit annoying but it really isn’t important. Some families are loud. Life will bring quiet moments too.

Married 23 years and my ILs don't even know what I do for a job - they don't take any interest in my life at all. It's quite comforting in a way - it means I can just stay quiet (not me at all) and let them carry on with their inane chat!

I think if you are used to all being in the same room with a large family, it can be a bit overwhelming for someone new coming in. I know, donkeys years ago, my SiL was totally overwhelmed the first time she came to a meal with all of us. It isn't 'rude' it is just different from what you are used to.
Surely in almost 5 years, you've had many opportunities to just be with your PiL as a couple, and not part of a big family gathering ?
If not, then that could be the way forward. Meet PiL for a meal one time. Meet BiL or SiL for a social occasion another time. Get to know each other without you feeling overwhelmed.

I dated a chap with a family like this they also wouldn't speak to each other but at each other even talking around each other for example if someone offered my partner a drink he would tell his mom/brother/even me what drink he wanted even if it wasn't any of us who offered they had no concept of talking to each other

Good advice from everyone, thank you! We have been on our own with them yes, but it's the same thing, but just more input from MIL who gets then undivided air time!

@Eliza9917 my family is much smaller and quieter but not reserved really. There's a lot of shrieking laughter at my childhood home and chatter, but we tend to take turns to speak much more!

My ILs are similar, a really loud and rowdy family but mostly lovely. If I do manage to get a word in edgeways they do listen and engage at least. This is unlike my own mother, who I'm pretty sure doesn't even know what job I do as she never listens to anything I say ever

Either accept your inaccurate 'a bit quiet' label or shout louder I guess? Or perhaps take them on in smaller groups if possible... I've got to know my MIL much better one to one than I ever could have at big gatherings. It has taken longer than five years though.

I’m in exactly the same situation!!! I know they think I’m quiet and boring, but I never get a chance to speak, and have generally given up trying.