Clingy 8 month old

[Namechangemum100]

I am shamelessly posting here for traffic as I just don't know which way is up right now.

Dh and I have two children, a 23 month old and a 8 month old.

Right now they are testing our relationship to the max, we have no family help what so ever, and basically spend most days dealing with the children or bickering with each other.

Things have escalated recently into a new depth of despair as our 8 month old is unbelievably clingy. He basically doesn't want to be apart from me for a second. He clings to me all day, will scream even with dh, and wants to be in my arms all the time.

It is utterly exhausting for me, as I rarely get a chance to do anything for myself when I am at home, sometimes even making a drink is more hassle than it's worth. When dh eventually does take ds from me, he screams and screams and screams, which will often result in dh getting into an absolute rage, stomping around refusing to give him to me, and Ds ends up crying for ages. As much as I need my space and my oldest child also needs my attention, I don't like seeing Ds like this and would rather just hold him.

It is causing huge friction between dh and I who thinks I should just let him cry which often results in vomiting. I just don't know what to do.

It doesn't help at the moment I know, but it is a phase and it will pass. At the moment he just needs you and your partner will need to accept this - having a distressed baby is no good for any of you.

Having children puts a strain on any relationship and having a clingy baby is the worst - this is from experience. Does the 8 month old go to bed easily? Could you make time in the evening to talk to each other?

I think there is a developmental leap or growth spurt around that age.

How would your husband like to cry so much he vomits? That s disgusting. Your baby needs you. He is an utter asshole

It’s separation anxiety. It’s a normal healthy developmental stage. The more reassuring you can be while it happens, the more easily and confidently they pop out the other side. If you need to leave him to use the toilet, he’ll be fine. But you don’t need to ‘leave him to cry’ to teach him to be more ‘independent’. Ultimately, they become more independent as they learn they trust that you’re there. Doesn’t mean it isn’t hard though, but it doesn’t last forever.

Luckily he goes to sleep fine in the evening, and is usually asleep by 7, however she and I are so fried from the day that the 2 hours we have in the evening ( we go to bed around 930 as Ds still waking in the night) we pretty much ignore each other.

Right now I feel like my marriage is crumbling.

At 8-9months children reach a point where they realise that their parents are separate people from them self’s and that they can be parted. This is where separation anxiety develops for the first time. Helping your child through this phase will by reassuring them will ease your way through it.

Your DH is nicely confirming your child fears and acting like a prick. So well done to him.

Young children are hard work, and demand every bit of your energy which can be massively frustrating and exhausting. It does not last forever, suck it up.

Oh that sounds hard. Not helped with it being the holidays and usual routines changing. Let him cling. It's a development stage and he will come through it. Is your older one a girl? Boys can often be much clingier I've found. Sexist tho that is.
If he wasn't going through this stage - even tho he's at the clingiest, noisiest edge of it - then he'd have signs of attachment disorder and a lifetime of problems ahead. That might reassure your dh a bit.

@biscusting thank you for the suck it up comment...as you will read from my op I have an older child so I realise these things pass, but that doesn't mean it can't be damaging to a marriage. I am happy to hold him all the time, as hard as that is, but it isn't really the problem!

@picak... Yes my eldest is a girl, she was nothing like this, of course she had her moments, but this is on another level.

dh getting into an absolute rage, stomping around refusing to give him to me,

What a lovely dynamic for your two DC to witness and partake in.

Can you afford a carrier for DS? Any kind will do. Strap him on your back for 20 mins.

To be honest and quite brutal you sound in denial how bad this situation is. Not your DC. This DH rage shit has got to stop. He needs to get a grip and fast. He is the adult, and responsible to behave like one. Yes DC are exhausting. Doesn't give him the right to have a fucking tantrum.

OP, I'd try and talk to your partner - as you know, the first year of a child's life is the worst for a relationship and with a second one added to the mix can literally end it.

I had similar circumstances to you when my baby was 9/10 months and I thought that was it for our relationship - it came to a head and I even asked him to leave, but we talked and talked and agreed that we loved each other and that we would try and support each other. Are there ways in which they can support you? Making you a drink, getting the older child ready? And you can try and help them in your own way? Small things can make a big difference - it's just about reconnecting and communicating.

for you- it's so tough.

@rednaxela yes I realise it isn't ideal, hence coming here for help and advice. We have no family help and are drowning...what more do you want me to say. I am not in denial, this situation is utter shit right now.

I do have a carrier, however he weighs over 10kgs and I can only carry him for so long.

An excellent program on BBC 2 called the wonderful world of babies explains seperation anxiety. Completely normal at this age!

OP my 9 month old is exactly** the same , although I don't have 2 year old on top but it's so difficult! Leaves me feeling so guilty , I have to literally sneak out of rooms to save him getting upset. No practical advice but I'm following

It's really fucking hard sometimes, isn't it? My 8 month old is teething and for the past 5 nights he's been awake every 40 minutes. During the day he's a dribbling, unhappy little mess, the poor wee soul. Yesterday my 2 year old wouldn't settle at bedtime and when my husband finally came downstairs he was in tears. He never cries.

Your husbands behaviour is out of line, which you already know. It is probably borne out of frustration and him feeling like he's struggling. Try to have a calm, non accusatory conversation about it and just lay it on the table that you're also really finding it hard at the moment and that he can and should talk to you before it gets to that point where he acts like that.

In regards to your marriage, try to show each other small kindnesses during hard times. Those little things can really help.

I totally get it OP.

You think your husband is being a knob, but he probably thinks you are too. Tiredness and parenting small children with a small age gap is an absolute bitch. It will test even the most sanest of people and the most stable relationships.

If you look at it objectively your son isnt going to melt and die at 8 months old if you don't respond to him immediately. Equally I've been there and I know how upsetting it is when you know you can make the crying stop and DP is saying (even indirectly) please try and let me handle this on this occasion.

I've found this so much worse and harder with DC2 because I don't want DC1 being woken up or upset by the crying either.

I haven't really any advice I'm afraid, just solidarity. I suppose the one thing I have to remind DP to do is that what I do to calm the baby won't work for him and he needs to find his own stuff that works for him.

Is your DC distracted by ANYTHING long enough to let you get a few minutes peace to regroup?

Sorry you're finding things difficult OP. Your DS sounds like mine at that age. I basically decided it was less stressful for everyone if i just took control of things with DS while DH spent more time looking after DD. Not ideal and DD felt jealous at times, understandably, but IMO that was preferable to the non-stop screaming if i handed DS over to DH - it just stressed us all out and achieved nothing. He was a terrible sleeper, up multiple times each night and as i did all the nights it felt pretty relentless... it went on for a few months but had gradually subsided by the time he turned 1. He's still a total mummy's boy nowadays but in a much less obsessive way and will happily hang out with his dad while i have some 1 to 1 time with my DD. Not much consolation now i realise but it will ease off before too long. In the meantime, remind yourself that it's a sign of a very strong bond between you and your DS

The clinging thing I can't help with - it's a hard stage. Your dh is nota knob. He's trying to help, feeling rejected by your ds and not coping well cos he's probably knackered too. Not an ideal reaction but don't leave him yet.
Do you think baby is going down with something that might be causing him to be worse than normal? Irrelevant in a way cos he's clinging but it might give you a little light at end of tunnel.
So hard for you to not be able to play with your daughter 1:1 too. I have watched most of my friends cry about this at some point or other (even tho to my eye they were still being attentive parents) and then I did it too.
Helpful stuff. Again horribly sexist but just about every mum of boys I know swears you need to take them out twice a day for fresh air. Getting out of the house is good.
Can you all go swimming? Can you go bowling? Trying to think of activities where you can hold him but interact with her.
Perhaps baby needs to be in dad's arms for just a minute to start with and get used to you coming back. Make a plan so your dh can feel better doing something but aiming for a result over weeks not in a few hours.
Sorry I have no magic wand. Can you go see friends? It feels like you guys have been cooped up a lot.

Dh has just reminded me of the time he bundled ds in the car and drove round and round the m42, m6 circuit round Birmingham just to try and give me a break. He sends sympathy to you and your dh too.