AIBU or are my parents expectations?

[Chicci1]

My parents are in their late 60s and in good health. They do a massive amount of caring for my mums parents - bring them meals most days of the week, stay overnight with them a couple of times a week and spend a lot of time running errands etc for them. Anytime I have suggested getting more help for my grandparents so my parents don't have to do as much, my mum gets quite upset and gives me a lecture on how it is a child's duty to do these things for their parents and she fully expects me to do the same for her if and when she needs it. She also makes comments like she would never forgive me if I put her in a nursing home etc. Now I fully appreciate that this is all very speculative and a long way down the road but it is really starting to make me anxious. I don't want to give up my life in the way I've seen my parents do for their parents. Has anyone else's parents put them on a guilt trip like this and how do you respond?
There's probably also some resentment on my part - I have two very young children and don't get any help from my parents because they're so busy all the time with their own parents!

I hope euthanasia is legal and easy to access by the time I need to think about care homes

This. Or that I go absolutely quickly.

I think you need to have a conversation about the expections they have on you in the future rather than 'cross that bridge when you come to it'. Rather than come to a situation where they expect you to care for them and it's not possible.

Your parents can't expect to just rely on you, what if you aren't able to take care of them! You could be ill yourself by that point. Visiting is one thing, but expecting daily care is another.

The attitude of having your children take care of you when your old really irritates me. I would never expect my daughter to take care of me just because I took care of her. I chose to bring her into this world, it's my responsibility to take care of her, not for her to take care of me.

I think your parents have a strong sense of duty but that doesn’t seem to extend to their grandchildren, which is odd. Most grandparents do help out with grandchildren if they are local and manage elderly relatives too. Yours don’t seem to want to do this and put pressure on you to be like them. Don’t be.

Their devotion to their parents is just too much and one sided. You should maintain your caring duties for your children and be clear about your priorities. No one should ever expect their children to care for them and if they don’t spend much time with your family, they cannot expect you to spend the time with them in the future. No child asks to be born and surely no one has children in order for them to be carers later on but obviously it is nice if they can help out. Not that anyone does if they live 300 miles from their parents! So stand your ground. They need to prepare for their own old age. And you in turn will need to prepare for yours.

I'd be asking her WHY she thought that was the case - did her parents drill this 'duty' idea into her? And pointing out that you don't agree that it will be your duty to sacrifice your life to her the way she is sacrificing herself to your grandparents.

I agree with this.
It seems an odd way of thinking for people who are so young.
If my parents were still alive they would be late 80s now (my Dad would have turned 90 in 2019). They said to us several times that they didn't want to come and live with us if they needed care but wanted to go in to one of the wonderful supported living schemes / warden controlled flats of bungalows / or retirement homes that were growing all around even back 20 - 30 years ago. The market has expanded much more now and there are some wonderful places I quite fancy myself (and I'm only in my 50s ).

You can still suggest that they get some care in for your Grandparents, and then be able to spend more "quality time" with them.

Up to you if you bother to be honest with now about what you might, or might not plan to do if they actually do need care (more older folk never need to go in to residential care than those that do). You can have that argument / disappoint them now or not, without it making any difference to what you actually do.

You’re not alone, my parents are nice people and they looked after me well as a child but there’s no way I’d be caring for them when they’re older. I don’t want to give up my life to stay overnights and visit every single day.

I think some of the comments about care homes are too negative. My father in law struggled to cope in sheltered accommodation towards the end. Although carers came in, he was struggling to feed himself and wash and dress himself and working gadgets or remembering to have a hot drink was just getting beyond him.

His physical health improved hugely in a care home and he was less socially isolated for the last year of his life.. He made friends with one of his fellow-residents. He was much better nourished and better dressed and his health was properly monitored. This enabled us to concentrate on having 'quality time' with him. We called in a great deal and at all times I saw the residents being treated with care and respect by the staff.

I looked after my parents and kept them in their own home until they were 96 and 99. Not out of duty but because I loved them. They went into the best care home I could find when they needed 24 hour care. Dad died after six weeks. Mum followed him six months later to the day. I visited them almost every day. I regret nothing and it's a great comfort now they've gone.

Do I want my son to do the same for me? No way, I'm off to Switzerland.

Your obliged to look after them as much as they are obliged to look after your children. Which I believe is zero obligation

Firstly having worked in a care home as a student, and my Dad having worked in one for a while, I've promised my parents that they'll never have to go in a home. purple unless theres been a revolution in care homes in the past 10 years, they're absolutely nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing like a cruise ship.

Funnily enough, my mum said the exact opposite to me recently. She cared for my grandma, who had vascular dementia, for as long as she could (with the help of professional carers later on) before she went into a home, and she is adamant that if she requires care of any kind, she wants to go in a home. She's experienced first hand the stress, guilt, time pressures and horribleness that comes with caring for an elderly, unwell relative and she insists she doesn't want us to go through the same. When I told her I'd rather try and care for her at home first she was furious. People have only their own experiences to go on - my mum's experience of caring is awful and she struggled emotionally with it, so she wants to spare us that. Your mum feels like it's her duty and so it's also yours - but as things get more difficult with your grandparents, and the caring becomes harder, as it is often wont to do, she may change her mind!

They're not like a cruise ship but the very best ones are warm, comfortable and provide excellent care for people with need for 24 hour care. I couldn't fault the (very expensive) one I found.

OP, you don't need to have argue or agree with your DM at all. You don't need to plan or think about what you'll do when time comes that your DPs will need help.

You might want to help, you might not. You might be in a position to help, or might not. They could have relatively easy needs or complex time consuming ones. A long or a short ilnness. Really too many factors to consider and too early to stress yourself over. I'd just reply, 'we'll see when the time comes" and avoid the argument.

Who knows?.... You could retire to a lovely villa in Italy and not be around to provide parent care!

Ps. I've planned to look after my DPs when they need me, but my DF is almost 80. I expect they'd come live with me. And it's because I'd want to, not because they'd ever tell me that I have a duty to. Whilst you can find homes with lovely care facilities & carers, my parents love their privacy and would hate the noise & shared facilities. But if I couldn't do it as their needs were too high, I would arrange care or a home. I already have LPAs for my DPs.

My DH and agreed a long time ago that neither of our parents would end up living with us. We have a very small house and are older parents.
My MIL co stantly said that she didn't favour any of her 3 sons (outrageous lying!!!) and that they expected my DH (their eldest) to do the right thing and look after them when the tine came (the one with golden balls is the youngest, not him)
We have had absolutely nothing from them, whilst the other two get petrol money to visit, money for B&B etc - we have to pay for ourselves - but we never ask nor give any indication of our incomes/whether we are broke or well off - that is private to us
Finally he had enough and on the way back from FILs siblings funeral when MIL was going o about this again, saying that they know they didn't have to worry, as DH would look after them, he stated categorically that we wouldn't look after either sets of parents, and my parents had arranged things themselves, and he expected them too as well. Living with us wasn't an option.
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The car was silent all the way home and she never mentioned it again

When my mum got dementia I was having treatment for cancer and was unable to look after her whether I wanted to or not. We found her a care home which turned out not to be very nice, so at the earliest opportunity we moved her to a small private one where she was treated well and was very happy.
Even though I was struggling to make myself a cup of tea at the time there were still some family members who criticised me for not caring for her.

Why would you not want to care for your parents when they're elderly and not as able as they are now? They dedicated a chunk of their lives to bring you up and didn't have their own freedom to do things they may have wanted to. They sacrificed a lot for you. The least you could do is help them. Wouldn't you want your children to do the same for you?

I do think you're BU and selfish too. Your parents are not there to help out with your children.

They clearly have a strong sense of duty to their parents to help them in their twilight years which is very admirable. I'm afraid it was pretty obvious that you were going to drag up them not helping you out in a way you clearly think you're entitled too.

Just thank your lucky stars that you're not having to care for elderly parents at the same time as looking after your own children.

Well side-splitting I was a single parent with 2 young kids, and working shifts.
I did look after mine, but if they had lived a few more years it wouldn't have been possible

They dedicated a chunk of their lives to bring you up and didn't have their own freedom to do things they may have wanted to. They sacrificed a lot for you. The least you could do is help them.

And here we have a classic example of the guilt-trip.

No, they decided to become parents and have children. Everybody who does that, knows that you dedicate part of your life to bringing up children, that you don't have freedom while doing so. In return you get the joy of having children.

Having children should NEVER be done with the intention of "cashing in" for your sacrifices later in life, expecting your middle-aged children to look after you in your dotage. It's the same as having an extra child in case another child gets ill and needs an organ transplant. They are both completely wrong reasons for having children.

It's very generous of someone to offer to take in an aging parent. Unfortunately it's not always that simple.

Many older people can be at risk for "geriatric syndromes". Falls is a good example. Does your home have accessible, stair-free entrances? Do you have good lighting? Do you have a bathroom on the main floor? Is it easy to get in and out of the bathtub or shower? Do you have bedrooms large enough to accommodate a commode and possibly a mechanical lift? If any of these is a "no", you'll have to either modify your home or move.

Many older people have problems with urinary incontinence. Are you prepared to change your parents' undergarments? To wash them down there at least twice a day? To give them a bath in bed or in the tub?

What if your parent develops dementia? Often they can mix up days and nights. You have to be constantly alert, especially at night, as they could become confused and wander off, even leaving the house. They could become aggressive. I have been hit, pinched, kicked, scratched, screamed at, and sworn at by residents who had dementia or other mental health issues. Are you prepared to deal with that?

You'll also have to make arrangements for respite care periodically. You need a break and this is very important. This means you'll have to either put your loved one in a respite bed or hire a respite carer for them periodically.

Do those who are convinced caring for parents at home is the best option see what level of care that may entail?

Now, I'm not against good home care. Some people are able to stay at home for a very long time. My grandfather died at home. But others aren't that fortunate. If their care needs exceed what can be provided at home, they'll need to move to a facility.

YANBU I have a progressive, chronic, disabling illness and already struggle with my mobility so my parents know I won’t be able to look after them. Both their mums went to homes so they will too. I think they have already planned and picked out the one they like. The only way I can deal with the reality of my future is that I have a set period of time before I kill myself. I want my DS to be grown up enough to be self sufficient and understand why I need to do it. DH and I have already agreed and if euthanasia isn’t available in the UK at this time, I will go to Switzerland. The last thing I want is to be a burden on my lovely DH who Has saved so hard for his retirement, or to curtail my DS’ s life in any way. I also have no help from my parents or family with childcare or anything, I pay to have it if I need it, I don’t want to feel under obligation to anyone. Facing the reality of failing health and aging is tough but needs to be addressed and not swept under the carpet.

My mil looked after both her parents, her mil, a childless couple who were family friends. In addition she went to see an elderly lady whose husband had worked in the family business weekly and a family member who had cancer and her adult son who had learning disabilities. My DH is an only child, he can't remember a childhood holiday or any celebration without at least one or two of these other people who relied on his DM. When we had DD1 we didn't expect her to have time to babysit or childmind but it would have been nice to think that she could've come to spend a little time just her and us or that we could have gone to visit her without several older relatives at her house waiting for every desire to be answered (she'd invite us for dinner and cook 4 different meals to please them, expect me to pause mid-feed to assist granny to the loo because she was so busy in the kitchen). We would try to make plans with her and often be let down at the last minute because x had fallen or y was in hospital. Mil had a very hard few years dealing with the death if about 5 of these dependents, we tried to support her through that but she still wouldn't admit it was too much for her. Then mil died before her own mil and dm. They were both still in their own homes which they could barely cope with and on top of grieving my fil (useless anything for a quiet life) and dh had to try to organise their care and deal with ss, gp etc. We fought tooth and nail for even respite in a care home. Fortunately dh's uncle and cousin stepped in for her do but there was no one else to help with other gran. Few days after mil died she developed norovirus and had to be hospitalised because of the dehydration. Thank goodness, because it was such a relief knowing she wasn't on her own, and the hospital wouldn't discharge her without agreed care package.
Apologies for the essay, I think the point I'm trying to make is don't make a rod for your own back, and also, you may not actually be doing what is best for the relative but you lose sight of that when you're shouldering all the weight. I wish we'd intervened years ago. Mil might still be with us if she'd put her own health first.