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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it is impossible for my DC to have a relationship with my parents if they have decided I don't exist?

18 replies

BattyGirl · 30/12/2018 18:31

I mean how does that work?

Am I supposed to expected to just go along with being sidelined and pretend nothing is wrong to my DC?

Expected to not feel hurt when they come home from visits?

To allow them to act as I don't exist?

OP posts:

Lollypop701 · 30/12/2018 18:32

Why would you want your dc to have a relationship with people that you don’t see?

Sunhill4 · 30/12/2018 18:32

How old are your children and how did this situation come about?

Original poster

BattyGirl · 30/12/2018 18:34

DC want one. Unfortunately I didn't have the self awareness to go NC before they were born.

OP posts:

Mouikey · 30/12/2018 18:37

How old are your children? How does contact get facilitated?

Do your children know the backstory?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 30/12/2018 18:38

How old are your children and why is your relationship with your parents so bad.

poppoppop100 · 30/12/2018 18:43

Ot is good you have the maturity to not allow the rift to continue to the next generation

MrsTerryPratcett · 30/12/2018 18:58

If the DC want a relationship, that relationship isn't harmful to them and you've so far facilitated it... stopping it would be just to serve them right for hurting you. Which isn't a great decision TBH.

Consolidateyourloins · 30/12/2018 19:04

Think we need to know why you have no relationship with your parents, OP.

If they were abusive to you, then they shouldn't have relationship with your dc, regardless of your dc's wishes.

BerylStreep · 30/12/2018 19:25

Ages of children, background to your parents' attitude to you and level of previous contact are all relevant.

How often do they see your dc?

Original poster

BattyGirl · 30/12/2018 20:07

Sorry!

This has come about because my mother recently insisted that it will be my DC's choice as to whether they have a relationship with her.

She then followed this up by, for the first time in 6 years, giving oldest DC money to buy them all Christmas presents. I told oldest to keep the money for herself and not to buy presents for other 3.

They are 22,16,16, and an 8 year old who has no memory of my parents. One of the teens has severe learning difficulties,is vulnerable and easily manipulated.

Oldest has had sporadic contact over the last 18 months. I tried to offer an olive branch so oldest could have contact without feeling conflicted. It was declined.

I was family scapegoat who finally stood up for myself. Oldest had had them in their life for 16 years at the point they went NC.

I feel betrayed and disgusted that she wants contact but it's her decision to make. I would never disown or punish her for it. Hoping if I ride it out, she'll come to her senses later on. The younger ones may be encouraged to see my parents through oldest seeing them.

It will carry on into the next generation unfortunately as DC's cousins want nothing to do with them as the rest of the the family are on my parents side. The only way DC could have contact with cousins is if my mother 'allows' it which she won't as the truth about why I was disowned may come out. It's a dead end.

OP posts:

Allthewaves · 30/12/2018 20:12

Your older children are of an age where they can choose to have a relationship with grandparents - that's their choice.

Consolidateyourloins · 30/12/2018 20:15

I'm sorry you were the scapegoat OP. Well done for standing up for your self. What is the truth and why don't the ehole family know it? You should tell them all, don't let them live in ignorant bliss.

I guess ai would let the 21 yo continue to have contact as she's an adult (although I can understand it must hurt). I wouldn't be happy with the 16 yos having contact as they can be manipulated by GPs. But not sure how you can stop them. I wouldn't let the 8 yo have contact, she is too young.

Do the elder children know ehat your parents did to you?

Consolidateyourloins · 30/12/2018 20:16

Also, have you found the Stately Homes thread?

Birdsgottafly · 30/12/2018 20:20

My Family, or rathery DH's has massive rifts through it.

My Adult children see their Cousins, DNs, all without any contact with their Parents. I don't comment.

It's for Adults to decide their own relationships.

It hurts that your children want to know people who've treated you so badly, I'm there now. But you've got to let it go.

The words that you are using towards your eldest are very strong and you need to be more understanding.

If your eight year old is NT, then they get to decide, at around 13.

You'd be best getting your head around that and not be the negative one in the whole situation.

My biggest regret was not moving away from were I grew up and going NC with my Family. It has impacted on my whole life.

Original poster

BattyGirl · 30/12/2018 20:31

Yes I know Allthe but interested in views on how that is actually feasible when they still live with me?

How can I accept them saying 'we're off to GP's this weekend, you know, your parents who caused you enormous emotional pain when they cast you out for confronting them about how abusive they were to you as a child and left you to deal with all the scars they created on your own !

Thank you Consolidate. I've been I on there. Doesn't seem to be many posters in the same boat as me though with DC with a mind of their own and a lot of them are relieved at NC which they instigate themselves. I was not, it devastated me and compounded how worthless I was. They did it as 'punishment'.

OP posts:

BerylStreep · 30/12/2018 22:24

Do you think that this is them trying to punish and needle you through the medium of your DC?

I would be inclined to discuss with your older child and explain what your parents did to you. Explain that it is hurtful to you that she has chosen to see them, but that you respect it is her choice. However I think it is fair for you to say that you don't want to hear about it. Nor is it ok for your eldest child to act as a conduit between your parents and the younger DC. The money for presents was very manipulative.

Sunhill4 · 30/12/2018 23:01

I totally get where you are coming from. I chose to cut my Mother out of my life several years ago but told my children it was 100% their choice if they wanted to continue a relationship with her. I even offered to drop them off to her, pick them up etc and all 3 of them chose not to see her either. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you

Handprints2018 · 30/12/2018 23:11

Do your dc know all the truth? If not you need to tell them. Your parents won't hesitate to lie and manipulate from the sounds of things plus dc can't make a really informed choice.

The 8 year old is far to young to decide, with siblings or not.

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