Asking how to cope with grief (mentions of suicide)

[2019iscoming]

I really don't know where to post this so here for traffic.

In April I lost a friend to suicide. She was loving and kind, and had the brightest future ahead of her. Not much was said about her death. We weren't even told the date. There was a memorial for her but I couldn't attend as I was attending my grandmother's funeral on the same day. Basically I never found peace. I cry practically daily for her as it is, and feel immense guilt. I was trying to find out where she was scattered so I could go and actually say goodbye. While I was looking for the tribute page I came across a news article about her and the work her family have been doing in her honor so I clicked on it. It had a lot of details I was unaware of including her actual cause of death. Its made everything a million times worse because I could tell myself before that she probably went peacefully and didn't feel anything. But now I know that's not the case. And I can't get this image of her doing it out of my head.

I feel so stupid even putting this into words because it's all me, me, me, and I'm not even family but it's torn me apart. With my gmother i knew it was coming and got to say goodbye but with my friend it was so sudden and scary. I really need advice on how to cope with grief.

I'm really sorry for your loss. I don't have any answers, but wondered if you were close to her family? Could you meet with her parents maybe, not to discuss the details as such, but more to chat about her, which might make you feel closer to her? Perhaps then in time, they might open up to you?

Failing that, I'm sure there are bereavement groups who might be able to offer you some support, I'm sure there are others who are going through what you are.

Do go and get some counselling. Have you spoken to your GP?
A death from Suicide (or Murder) can be much harder to handle, and the habit of shoving it under the carpet doesn't help.

OP I’m so very sorry you are feeling like this. Suicide has many victims in addition to the person who died because of it. Please be kind to yourself.

Unfortunately suicide often claims the most kind and caring people, because the sensivity which gives them these attributes which help so many others is not valued by society. From your brief comments about your friend and her family they sound lovely. What are your happy memories of her?

The method by which a person completes a suicide is very rarely on a whim and is oftenresearched in depth. So know the method she chose will have been right for her and caused her thecleast distress, even if it’s not what you think.

Can you maybe get in touch with her family ad help out with whatever they are doing in her memory, or if not do something independent either for a charity like mind or Samaritans or another charity close to her heart.

Suicide is so heartbreaking, and it is usual to feel a sense of guilt. But no matter what you had done you wouldn’t necessarily have been able to “save” your friend.

Speak with mind to ask to be signposted to help for those affected by suicide if you think you might benefit from talking to others.

Please take care

Definitely speak to your go and get a referral for counselling. Can you also contact her family? They will probably want to talk. They may want to stay in contact if you knew her well. The worst thing about loosing someone, especially from suicide is how everyone avoids the subject afterwards and doesn't want to talk. Try reading a special scar , it talks of suicide survivors ( not meaning those who have survived an attempt but those who are left behind). Ultimately the only thing that helps you really is time, but it's more bearable to share what you're going through and when your own friends and family stop asking, because they don't know what to say etc her family and a counsellor will be invaluable.

I am so sorry for what you are experiencing. I have experienced suicide of a family friend; a neighbour and a young student at the secondary school I used to teach at. With the student, the school had trained counsellors come in to work with students and staff. One thing I learned from them is that death in unexpected and violent circumstances like suicide can take an awful lot longer to grieve than a natural or expected death at the end of a long life.

It's very difficult. I struggled with imagining how they did it and how they looked (all hung themselves). At one point I even googled images of it because my mind was so fixated on this morbid curiousity.

I'd imagine a session witha grief counsellor will help you x