To ask what caused your divorce/separation?

[boymum9]

I'm not in an "unhappy" relationship but a huge part of me feels like it's come to the end of the road. It's tough to admit to myself and terrifies me and I don't know if this is a phase or if it's more. We have two young children, he's a wonderful dad and a hard worker and cares for us all so much.
There's no longer from my side sexual attraction, for years he's constantly told me I'm grumpy and miserable which I'm genuinely not, I'm v guarded with my emotions due to childhood trauma, our 3 year old now copies him which upsets me. Whenever we're around other people I feel like he doesn't have a nice attitude towards me, like he makes fun and points out all my flaws, not around random people but close friends and family, he's always done this. He's horrible about my family, we have had our issues with them other the years but a lot of it is in the past and if I've let it go I feel he should try to. We've had some trust issues with him and other women, not full blown affairs that I know of, over the years, emotional affairs I guess. Those are just a few things.

I guess I just want to know, if you're divorced or separated and there WASNT an affair, or abuse or anything like that, what caused it? With 2 young DC's this is something I never wanted.

Thank you

Anyone?

TBH OP your husband does sound emotionally abusive.

I would say that someone who insults your family, makes fun of you and is ok with their child copying and who eroded your confidence and self worth is an abuser? Would you seriously say that he is not abusive?

Just read your post back. Trust issues, emotional affairs, being nasty in front of the children...

Thank you for your reply Thomas, I don't know ok a scale of 1-10 how emotionally abusive he is really, it's not a constant thing, like I said it's generally around closer friends and family, he says stuff like everyone is going to agree with him and he's proud of himself for whatever it is he's saying, my family don't find it funny and his do, so I think it's maybe a trait he's picked up from them?

The sex side of things really get to me. He CONSTANTLY goes on about it, CONSTANTLY. It's obviously hugely important to him which 15 years ago was fine because we were much more on the same level, all these years and two children later that's not the case. And honestly it makes him so unattractive to me. Everything is a sexual innuendo, I can't get dressed in front of him without him making some comment or trying to grab me, whenever I bring this up he just said that I'm his wife and if he wants to do that he can?! Which always causes argument as you can imagine.

I've just read the replies, thank you.

I do see your points with the emotional abuse, I suppose I look over it or don't see it as bad because otherwise he's an amazing father, very understanding supportive partner, not at all controlling, so I always wonder if I'm over reacting?

This doesn’t read as particularly abusive to me. More like two people not connecting and not being as kind as they could be. I’m a couple counsellor and you sound like good candidates for relationship therapy to me. You may well still separate but I think you’d be clearer about why and find it easier to move forward if you understood what was haphazard little better.

Happening not haphazard!

Thank you for your reply homealone

I left when I realised the only thing I'd miss was my vegetable patch.

But I didn't have children to worry about.

I’d recommend this book OP: amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0425191656/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1546172947&sr=8-1 Why does he do that?]]

What you have just written about there, is sexual abuse. He is reducing you to an object that he believes he can touch/grab when he wishes regardless of how you feel about it.

That is not ok.

I think you need to untangle your thinking.

You say he’s supportive yet he puts you down

You say he obviously cares for you yet he’s had (at least) emotional affairs

You say he’s a great father yet he’s awful to the mother of his children

All of those things are direct contradictions.

He knows you’ve suffered childhood trauma but doesn’t respect your sexual boundaries.

He doesn’t sound very nice to me at all.

Being a sex pest isn't being a good anything.
Do not give your dc the burden of making you stay with him.

I could have written this post a year ago. I left and don't regret it at all.

The book "too good to leave, too bad to stay" (or something like that) really helped me make up my mind to go. Like you say, it's very hard to justify making the leap in the absence of anything solid like an affair

Thank you everyone.

I will look that book up, you're right, it's a very difficult decision to make, I feel like I have no idea what to do or how to approach anything at all.

How he is when it comes to anything sexual really bothers me, I have wondered at times if he has a sex addiction.

The rush of blood to the head that caused me to marry a complete arsehole.

Bumping for more advice!