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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect more than a mumbled apology?

293 replies

Mamapuddlefluff · 30/12/2018 08:34

This is my first post, but I've been here for a long time. This may be rather long.

Yesterday was my daughters 8th birthday. She has been treated under CAMHS for the past year and a bit for anxiety and panic disirders and was discharged just before Christmas, which she is very proud of - it's been a tough year. Her birthday is the only thing she has looked forward to or been excited about in a very long time.

So all going well yesterday we take her out for lunch upon her request; me, my oh, ds and other dd plus my mum. Having a lovely time until my brother drops by as he's lost his key so wants to borrow my mums and drop it back. No problem. He comes back ans makes a snarky remark to my mum and is told to hold his whisht and carry on. My oh, however started a full blown argument in the restaurant with him. They do not get on, never have but there's no real reason except a clash of personality. My daughter starts crying as its her birthday and i tell my oh to stop as he's upsetting the kids.

My brother leaves and my oh is clearly fuming. The manager comes and asks is everything ok as my daughter is now v upset. I tell my oh calmly that whatever his issue is, now is not the time as its our girls birthday just calm down. I'm very quickly given a mouthful and told she is full of attitude she needs telling off not him - meaning our daughter who only told him to stop nothing else. He declares he may aswell go as he's clearly causing a problem.

We all leave and walk home, less than 10 minute walk. On this walk our daughter begs and pleads with her dad to not go anywhere, that she is sorry and she will do anything to resolve the argument. He gives her the front door keys and says I'll be back when I'm back. She literally crumples and is in bits as her main trigger for her anxiety is people leaving/dying. I tell him enough is enough and to stop can he not see what he's doing to her. I'm swiftly told to shut up and she wouldn't be like that but for me anyway and that i can take the kids and f**k off. He stalks off and thats that.

I talk the kids home and try my best to calm our daughter down and reassure her. My mum is aghast but busies herself helping with my other two kids. My oh turns up an hour or so later and goes to bed for a bit. I try to keep things as normal as possible for my daughter so play jigsaws with her until my oh comes down and demands i stop as he wanted to do it with her. My daughter tells him she wanted me to do it but he can help later. He gets all ragey and says that we're excluding him, but we weren't i just wanted my girl to have something to do to occupy her mind and give her something else to focus on. He then sits in a strop for the evening.

The evening carries on we have some party food. We have birthday cake and my mum gets ready to leave and he gives a general applogy for the way he acted. My mum tells him it should be more than that really and she leaves. My oh tells me my mum has no right in saying this its his house etc. He apologises to our daughter and the kids go to bed. He literally mumbles a sorry to me and goes to bed himself.

This isn't the first time he's acted like this. I think he owes us more than a mumbled sorry but more than that he needs to address his temper i think. Or AIBU?

If you've gotten to the end thankyou for reading. Xx

OP posts:
NoFucksImAQueen · 30/12/2018 12:22

please stay strong op, it will make the world of difference to your kids in the long run that you leave him and stay away from him

DanielRicciardosSmile · 30/12/2018 12:25

I hope you're at you Mum's or somewhere now with your DC. This is going to be hard, especially for your DD, but you need to get away from this man.

TheLazyDuchess · 30/12/2018 12:34

"My mum tells him it should be more than that really and she leaves"

Your mum shouldn't have had to say this for you. She's right. She was aghast, and you should have been too! His behaviour sounds vile.

NotTheFordType · 30/12/2018 12:38

@KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin

Couldn't disagree more.

A man who is lovely 364 days of the year and then batters the fuck out of his partner on the 365th is not a man anyone should stay with - just because he's "nice most of the time".

arranbubonicplague · 30/12/2018 12:38

I think some women are so conditioned to accept appalling behaviour most of the time from all the men in their life that when there is the occasional glimmer of something nice or normal

To be fair, I've known some people who did couple counselling with Relate and this was the line that was pushed to them. That if there was 1 decent thing that a parent/partner did, then that balanced or outweighed all of the negative behaviour/incidents.

Clearthinking · 30/12/2018 12:40

If you do one thing pay attention to what hellsbells said. Spot on

Tistheseason17 · 30/12/2018 12:41

I'm just so sorry to read this thread, OP.
You sound like a fab mum.
Hope everything is going ok.

Candace19 · 30/12/2018 12:46

Hold the door open for him OP - you could even help him pack his bags 😀

pineapplebryanbrown · 30/12/2018 12:48

Your daughter is ill because her father is an erratic, narcissistic lunatic. I have a lot of anxiety due to an erratic parent and so wished my other parent had saved me.

NOTthepinkranger · 30/12/2018 12:50

How does everyone on here get their husbands/partners etc whatever to leave so quick? You should write a book on it

Marshmallow91 · 30/12/2018 12:57

Your sweet daughter is clearly suffering so much at the hands of this selfish, inconsiderate asshole.

The only genuine advice I can offer is to please think about yourself, and your child and leave him now, before your daughter is damaged beyond repair.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 30/12/2018 12:58

Did you get out safely, OP/

I am projecting my own experiences, but it might not be so easy to leave when he is in the house. I had to wait until he went out, packed the car and fled.

Long term, I advise you contact some domestic abuse support. Not just for your own well being (and the children - lots have support for the kids too) but also to get you through the issues of contact and other Child Arrangements.

My situation is not ideal. My emotionally abusive ex sees his child 5 nights out of every 14. But she is still more secure and "happier" with the current situation than when I was trying to manage his behaviours under the same roof, if that makes sense.

Your children will thank you.

IRanSoFarAway · 30/12/2018 13:01

Hi OP the first reply by Spaghetti says it all.
Whatever you decide to do, don't ever let your daughter apologise for someone else's bad behaviour or try to make things better again.
My mother is like this, I said to her not long ago that if anyone ever did me wrong, she always takes their side, never stands up for me. She still panders to people who treat her badly, she is in her 70s. I was a bit like this but don't tolerate it anymore, I hate confrontation but try not to let anyone who is is trying to treat me badly get away with it.
I hope that your daughter will be able to say in the future that you stood up for her and wanted to protect her.
Good luck Flowers

loubluee · 30/12/2018 13:02

OP your husband sounds just like my mother. I’m almost 40 and still struggling with the after effects. We no longer have a relationship, but that doesn’t help the feelings. No matter how much I talk about it with my dp, psychiatrist and psychologist, it feels like it’s too ingrained in me.

Please don’t let your daughter spend the next 10-15 years experiencing this, then dealing with it for the rest of her life x

TheLazyDuchess · 30/12/2018 13:02

My ex was out within a week, once I made my mind up. The house is rented in my name, he had no entitlement to be here. I gave him a week to move out and find somewhere to go. Took his key of his keyring asap.
On day 7 I had a bolt installed on the front door, so he couldn't use any copies of keys he had, or kick it open (stupid snib locks), and left all his stuff at the house of a relative of his.

He caught me unawares a week later, managed to break in and assaulted me. I took him to court for abh, he got off with it, but waiting so long scared the shit out of him, and he left me alone.

You need to get your ducks in a row, then act quickly.

BooHasAPressieForYou · 30/12/2018 13:02

Ltb
Not just for your sanity but your kids.
It's physiological abuse. My mum did it to me and it took years of therapy to deal with the effects it had.
You sound like you have a good supportive family, use it and get him gone.

TheLazyDuchess · 30/12/2018 13:05

*waiting so long to go to court, sorry, 5 months.

HyggeHeart · 30/12/2018 13:09

I cried when i saw your post saying you were leaving, I was so relieved for you and your children. I hope this is a new start x

MadeForThis · 30/12/2018 13:13

Your dd needs stability. It sounds like she will only get that without your OH at home.

The fact that he can be fantastic and also abusive is seriously damaging to her. She doesn't know how to behave around him. She shouldn't be threatened with him leaving if she doesn't behave exactly how he wants.

This is teaching her how to behave in relationships.

Leaving is the only option. Sounds like you will have support from your dm and dbro.

Don't let him minimise this. He is damaging to both you and dd. Protect her x

Sparklesocks · 30/12/2018 13:14

Thinking of you OP.

Flowers

Just keep thinking about what your DC will understand about love if you stay, their father will completely warp their perception and make them think they are the reason for his behaviour.

Somewhereovertheroad · 30/12/2018 13:25

ThanksYou need to stay strong OP

Poshjock · 30/12/2018 13:29

"I think a level headed talk with your brother might open your eyes a bit ?" @70is**

YY to this. Your DB doesn't like him for a reason, ask him. Surround yourself with friends and family (do you have friends or has H isolated you from them?). Get support - I think you may be surprised at how many people will have seen this coming or willed it to happen. As a few others have said, Women's Aid will give practical advice and support.

Good luck. In time you will wish you had done this sooner.

Pearlgrey1 · 30/12/2018 13:31

Well done OP you are doing the best thing leaving it may be hard now but in the long run will benefit your children greatly.

ChristmasFlary · 30/12/2018 13:40

Am quite horrified at what l have read. I really hope OP that you have left him for the sake of your poor daughter.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/12/2018 13:40

I'm so glad you've chosen to leave. Please carry through. And let us know when you arrive safely at (I assume) your mum's.

There may be a period of 'upset' and adjustment for your DC, especially DD, but you will be amazed at the peace and calm once that period is over. I'd be willing to bet DD's anxiety will decrease by half, just by living in a peaceful home.

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