To worry about my cousin?

[SadMumofThree]

Namechanged for this, but regular reader/poster, honest!

My cousin and I are very close - she's 18 months younger than me, but we grew up together and are more like sisters than cousins.

We're now both in our late 30s, but she's much more 'exciting' than I am - very well-educated (PhD level), international career with lots of travel, lovely, high-earning OH, beautiful house, no kids.

Also, she has a lot of time to spend on herself: she's very fit, spends a lot of time in the gym/doing sports and is very naturally beautiful anyway (she was the baby when we were growing up and was very petted because of how 'cute' she was).

TBH, I was always a bit jealous of her when we were little, although we've talked about it and laughed, because she says she envied me!

As I say, we have a great relationship and she is a terrific person, but I feel really envious of her: my DH LOVES her and is always talking about her, especially how about how well turned-out/fit she is.

Again, she is a lovely person, loves me and my family to bits and her own DP, who she's been with for years. I've got no reason to think she'd ever do anything to hurt me.

She and her DP have just left after staying with us for a few days over Christmas and now DH and DCs are banging on about how fabulous she is.

AIBU to feel a bit resentful? Also, does DH fancy her?

Does your DH ever compliment you? If not then call him out on it.

He's always nice enough to me, but we've been together ten years, I'm a SAHM of three, didn't finish my first degree and don't even have a job, never mind a career.

I just think she's so glamorous compared to me. Her DP is also very, VERY good-looking and has a high-flying job etc. I love seeing them and they bring lovely gifts, are lovely with the kids, good house guests etc, but I always feel a bit depressed when they go.

You never know, she may wish she had what you have.

Honestly, I know people would love to believe in the idea that if you look like you have a wonderful life on the outside their must be some underlying unhappiness. Sometimes there is and sometimes what you see is what is reality, Some people just live wonderful lives all round. OP there is nothing wrong with being a bit envious of someone else's life or lifestyle style. We are human and we aspire to the best life we can. As long as it's just a small bit of wistful envy it's OK.

I'd love to be a bit younger, slimmer, richer, smarter, more creative, musical, dynamic and catch myself wistfully think what if. Not being

@The4thSandersonSister, thank you for your great perspective!

You're right - wistful envy is all it is.

I know my cousin wouldn't change places with me in a heartbeat - she's CFBC and always has been: the thought of being a SAHM of three kids in a terraced house is literally anathema to her.

In my heart of hearts, I know I don't want to spend weeks or months away from home and I have no interest in project management or whatever it is she does.

Husband probably does fancy her if she’s slim, toned and makes an effort with her appearence. People don’t become blind when married but that doesn’t mean they’ll act upon it.

When he bangs on about her, interrupt him with your own musings about hos gorgeous and perfect her partner is.

Keep doing it.

Just be happy with yourself. If not then change it.
Having a great job that pays lots of money isn't everything. Family happiness is.

I think she possibly would love what you have.

Years ago I visited a friend who had recently got married and had her third child. I got there the house was warm, lovely with beautiful children.

I was single and had no kids. Good job and loads of time to spend on myself.

I walked away feeling so resentful of her family, feeling really empty. Years after she told me how she felt that I must think she was a right diwdy housewife with no life and how I had a fab life with loads of time to myself.

So I would be surprised if she wasn’t feeling the same way about you and your family.

Yes what Fortune said. Each and every single time change the subject to how fit, toned, successful and gorgeous her DP is.

See how he likes it.

Or you could say, H you rage too much about cousin and it is making me feel insecure and resentful. Stop it, you dolt.

*rave!

I even fancy her, based on your description!! And her DP! As suggested, play your DH at his game, and gush to him about her DP. I'm sure he'll then pipe down!

Glamour isn't really a thing. It's so ephemeral, in the eye of the beholder - it doesn't mean much to the person you think has it. Just look at Cary Grant/Archbald Leech! I think this is all about your feelings about yourself, not about your cousin (she's already said she's jealous of you and you both sound to have done well in your own ways so there's no great gap/deficit). It's surely all to do with this:

"I'm a SAHM of three, didn't finish my first degree and don't even have a job, never mind a career."

And the worth you ascribe (or don't) to it. If being a SAHM is enough then own it. If not, then start studying or whatever interests you to fill the gap. To be honest, it's only human to have a gap that feels to need filling - it's what drives us and plagues us. Everyone wrestles with discontent, even the most zen-like, but dwelling on it never helps. Enjoy your cousin for the good stuff you obviously share and then the rest is down to you. Make some positive new year's resolutions and get on with it...