AIBU to be suspicious of this?

[CrazyToast]

My DH has a girl on his team. She's in her 30s and a single mother, just his type in looks. They get along well and I have long suspected she fancies him. They message frequently outside of work. He has said she does have a crush on him but that he only wants to help her get happier and see her own worth. She recently left her job and the office were going for the usual goodbye drinks.

Fast forward to later that evening, he rolls in drunk after 6 hours of drinking and passes out. I asked him the next day who was there and turns out it was just the two of them the whole time! I told him I wasnt happy about that and asked why he didnt tell me that night. He said he didnt tell me on purpose because he knew I would not be happy.

A later conversation about it all and he revealed that if I was not a factor, he would have a relationship with this girl, although he doesn't think it would work. He wants to continue their friendship even though she has left his work now.

He is very autistic and I've never had cause to worry about other women even remotely in 10 years. He's usually devoted. I am inclined to believe what he told me about their relationship, but actually should I? It all sounds a bit dodgy, right?

Very dodgy. He was out alone with her for 6 hours?? There's a reason he didn't tell you that night

I’m not sure what isn’t dodgy about it.

He fancies her. He cares about her. He wants to help her be happy and feel good. He wants to keep seeing her. He lied to you. They got completely pissed, just the two of them, and spent hours together. No doubt they told each other how attracted they are to each other. Probably kissed.

This is high-grade shit-hitting-the-fan betraying behaviour.

@atrociouscircumstance The only thing which makes this not out-and-out LTB behaviour is him. He is a very unusual fellow due to being autistic. He isn't really that interested in women beyond his own relationship tbh. He doesn't have any friends and feels this girl could be one. I have pointed out that she fancies him, and is quite vulnerable and looking for a good man to help her out. They can't be friends really, not when one has the crush like that. He has decided to ignore my advice about that.

He clearly has an emotional attachment to this woman, even if he’s not interested in her sexually. Also, she is clearly interested in him. He really needs to step back.

@coughlaughfart I agree. He wouldn't listen when I told him. What looks like friendship isnt really friendship when one person has a crush. It's all going to blow up.

I'm sure yoy didn't mean it like this but describing somebody as being your Dh type because they are a single mother is really uncomfortable.

@knittedjest Lol I didnt say that, i said she was just his type in looks.

@knittedjest But it is relevant that she is a single mum in that he really likes to help support people and she's been struggling alone with an unwell young one. It would appeal to all his tendencies to be kind and supportive (and so feel useful).

Oh love. I don’t know what to say, you know your DP and from your posts it’s like you’re saying you know it’s going to blow up because of who he is as a person. This is going to sound awful and I don’t mean it quite like that, I’m just not sure how to phrase this, it’s almost like you’re resigned to it but working out how to deal with the end game. Can you sit down with him in a really relaxed situation and put it all out to him like you have here?

Not sure I'd want to rely on a partners Autism diagnosis as some sort of "infidelity shield", but your obviously not 100% convinced of it yourself since it's bothered you enough to post. Keep open communication, be mindful of change in behaviour or routines and don't assume I couldn't happen to you. Maybe it's all innocent. Maybe it's not.

Oh lord OP - this could have been me writing this a couple of years ago. Very, very similar set up, including a DH whose personality type left him uninterested in other women but keen for friendship and ready to overlook the evident crush of the work colleague. You’re quite right about it heralding shit hitting fans... it did for us. An EA ensued, our marriage was seriously damaged and we are only just about managing to put the pieces together again. My DH wishes he could have made different choices and not been so convinced remaining ‘friends’ with her would be fine when there were inappropriate feelings in the mix.
Are you able to ask your DH to reflect honestly on whether he’d be comfortable for you to have that sort of ‘friendship’ with a man who fancied you? Or what he’d advise a friend who was in the same dodgy position? That might help him to see another perspective than his own... Best of luck, OP.

Tell him straight -
"if you want to be friends with this girl, you will loose me forever"
I'm never one for limits like this on relationships, but with autism, stuff needs to be made clear as day so that it can be processed properly. A discussion about why you feel this way can ensue afterwards, because I feel that you are absolutely right in thinking things will only escalate. Sending hugs

I agree that asking him whether he would be ok with you being friends with someone who had a crush on you would be good start. Then follow up with "Its her or me". Sometimes you have to force a choice, but crucially, you MUST follow through if only for a short while so he can see the consequences.

What saddens me about this is that if she doesnt get what she wants, ie; your husband for herself, he will end up very hurt as all he wanted was a friend. But I doubt you can get him to see that.