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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU-how much should you change?

18 replies

OopsIdidittentimes · 29/12/2018 23:27

I met my OH early 20's in Uni, both pretty slobby, not good at tidying or cooking but we managed. 20 years later we are married with three lovely kids, neither of us are still very domesticated but he has started questioning why I leave some dishes till 'tomorrow', why there are sometimes clothes in the washing basket. ~

I know this will horrify some people but that is not the point, he knew what/how I was when he married me.

so, is there a point you suddenly metamorphosis into a wonderful cleaning lady because you live with someone else?
or should you change because their standards have moved up and yours haven't? opinions please (yes I'm a messy f**ker and my OH has decided to be a proper grown up)

OP posts:
BanginChoons · 29/12/2018 23:30

Why is he asking you about dishes and washing? Does he not know where the sink and washing machine are?

Singlenotsingle · 29/12/2018 23:32

Surely if this bothers him he should roll his sleeves up and do it himself? CF!

Sparklesocks · 29/12/2018 23:36

Agree with PP, if he is so bothered he can sort them

Thewifipasswordis · 29/12/2018 23:37

He's deliberately finding fault. Be prepared for a few exit arguments or the appearance of a new colleague or mutual hobby friend soon enough.

Oh... and check his phone.

AnyOldPrion · 29/12/2018 23:38

Mine expected I’d become like his mother on marriage / when I had children. That I didn’t appears to be a mixed blessing to him. The house is messy and he doesn’t like it, but I’m far more laid back than my MIL. Visiting her improves our relationship temporarily as it reminds him how unimportant having a spotless house is in the grand scheme of things. Sadly I think we’ll eventually separate. Hope your marriage doesn’t reach the same sad place mine has.

NeverTwerkNaked · 29/12/2018 23:50

Why doesn’t he do those jobs?

notacooldad · 29/12/2018 23:57

Why doesn’t he do those jobs?
Who says he doesn't?
It gets tiresome when it's left to one person picking up and doing all the time when another person thinks uts ok to live in a snobby mess. If there's two able adults two adults should pull their weight surely?

MachineBee · 30/12/2018 00:28

Agree with PP that he is starting to pick at you so he can tell the world how unreasonable you are. I’d definitely check his phone and search history on various devices.

Eatsleepworkrepeat · 30/12/2018 00:35

I don't know... Similar timescale here but roles are reversed, since having children I want the house tidy/clean for them to play in and have friends over, I don't want to be living like a student anymore! Definitely in my case not picking fights /having an affair, just growing up.

Holidayshopping · 30/12/2018 00:39

Are you saying that when he clears away after dinner, he doesn’t leave some things for tomorrow and washes it all up? And that when he does the washing, he washes everything and leaves nothing in the washing basket? But you do?

Or not?

Moonstoned · 30/12/2018 00:39

We also met at university, and spent our twenties slobbing about as postgrads and living in squats, but 25 years on, DH does all the cooking and food shopping and currently most of the laundry and childcare, as my job is more demanding at the moment. He hasn’t suddenly developed a penis-related disability that means these are my chores because of the well-known association between the vagina and housework.

Weenurse · 30/12/2018 00:43

‘Penis related disability ‘ I am going to pinch this one 😀

CoughLaughFart · 30/12/2018 00:47

*He's deliberately finding fault. Be prepared for a few exit arguments or the appearance of a new colleague or mutual hobby friend soon enough.

Oh... and check his phone.*

Bloody hell, talk about an overreaction.

OP - tell him you will clean and tidy as you see fit. If an unwashed pan is keeping him awake at night, he can grab a squeegee and some Fairy and get on with it.

Rosehip345 · 30/12/2018 00:50

Yep I’m with @Eatsleep I’ve just grown up and don’t want to live like a student anymore, and it’s not just my job to tidy up after ourselves/kids. No affair here or wanting to get rid, just a hand would be lovely 😕

MachineBee · 31/12/2018 12:18

When a partner suddenly expects different behaviours and tasks that they aren’t prepared to do themselves, then I’d be very wary. If you’ve lived for years with a relaxed regime at home and suddenly the OH wants to live in a show home, I’d be wondering why.

joanmcc · 31/12/2018 12:23

Please do share your conspiracy theories, I'm curious.

Kikipost · 31/12/2018 12:23

Leaving fisher until “tomorrow”?! That does sound pretty bloody gross actually

As for your question, I think you’re approaching the issue in the wrong way. Surely it is about compromise. Your husband has changed since his 20s and entirely reasonably wants a clean home. As long as he pulls his weight, that’s reasonable.

You haven’t changed, and as long as you pull your weight, that’s reasonable too.

But he’s asking for more. If it’s reasonable and you love him and he makes compromises for you, then I say that yes, you do change

Kikipost · 31/12/2018 12:26

fisher should read washing

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