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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I being unreasonable to think he's being unfaithful?

31 replies

FilamentBabe · 29/12/2018 22:49

This could be a long one...

A few months ago I saw on hubby's computer screen a conversation between a couple. It was on a site where you had usernames so it's not obvious who is who. The only line I got a chance to read went along the lines of "I love my wife but I think I'd regret seeing where this could go" before hubby walked in. He claims that it wasn't him and that he ran the server that these two were having this conversation on, which was why he could see it and was having a read of it to be nosey. We had a conversation about it, I asked him about half an hour later to bring up the conversation again so I could read it, if it wasn't him it should be obvious. He disappeared off to bring the conversation up before returning and saying it had been deleted (apparently not by him) and he couldn't retrieve it.

We have a young family and without any concrete evidence I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and try and move on from it. Fast forward a couple of months and he was in the bath, his back towards the door and I was heading to bathroom myself and I saw a one on one conversation with a girl whose name he's never mentioned before on whatsapp that he was reading. He had headphones on so didn't initially hear my approach. I asked him who she was and he said it was somebody in a group conversation. I said unless the group is called *insert girls name" then it was a one on one conversation. He maintains it was a group conversation but wouldn't show me to prove it. We've now had a massive arguement cos he thinks I should have no reason to doubt him.

Am I being unreasonable to think he's having some kind of affair (at the very least emotional). Or am I overreacting? When we were arguing he literally made me feel like it's all in my head and now I just don't know whether it's me or not. Sad

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 29/12/2018 22:51

Well of course he is cheating. How do you want to proceed?

pickleface · 29/12/2018 22:52

I'm no expert but he's lying 8n my opinion and not very well either. Whether it be virtual or physical, he's up so something and shit at hiding it x

Bluntness100 · 29/12/2018 22:53

What does he do for a living? How can he run a server?

But yes, I also think he's over the side, sorry.

Holidayshopping · 29/12/2018 22:57

Yes, I think he’s cheating. And a liar. What more evidence do you need?

FuckingYuleLog · 29/12/2018 22:57

If the conversation was innocent he’d have been keen to show you and prove you wrong. He is cheating sorry.

Thehop · 29/12/2018 22:59

If he was innocent he’d show you the conversation straight away

user1484247439 · 29/12/2018 23:00

Yea 100%. He would have shown you otherwise no matter what excuses or reasons he has for not.

NooMe · 29/12/2018 23:00

OP, I'm sorry but he is clearly cheating on you. As a pp said, it's how you want to proceed. Will you leave him?

Weenurse · 29/12/2018 23:00

Agree with PP, if innocent then would have show it to you.
A case of he protests too much?

LokiBear · 29/12/2018 23:02

I would give him an ultimatum- show me your phone or get out. Ive been in this position. I challenged dh and got the 'how dare you/Ive never given you any reason/I deserve friends outraged response. I stayed calm, reiterated he could prove his innocence by handing over his phone and ignored the faux outrage. His went to the toilet for 15 minutes, then came back and said I could check through his phone. I said 'I am not that stupid' and demanded he left. He refused. I pressed until he admitted his emotional affair with a 22 year old girl at work. I knew something wasnt right, I stuck to the facts and his lies fell apart. I kicked him out. However, I was 6 weeks pregnant with dc2 and dd1 missed her dad. He maintained it was not a physical affair and begged me for a second chance. We went to therapy and reconciled. Therapy improved our marriage but I will never fully trust him again. You know something is amiss. Do not be fobbed off but do stay calm.

Bluntness100 · 29/12/2018 23:20

How is he running a server though? I assume he works in IT and is saying he was spying on n users in the company he works for?

Thewifipasswordis · 29/12/2018 23:24

Servers are generally encrypted. He's talking out of his arse.

FilamentBabe · 30/12/2018 01:22

Confronted him with the mumsnet jury and he admitted he has been "talking" to a girl he met online but insists it's platonic....however he's deleted all messages. I honestly don't know where I go from here. This is not how I saw my year ending....

OP posts:
CoughLaughFart · 30/12/2018 01:26

He has already lied more than once. In your shoes I’d be asking myself if the latest version is also less than 100% accurate.

SuchAToDo · 30/12/2018 01:27

If he runs the serve ask him to show you conversations between 10 different people (don't walk away and give him time to actually make 10 profiles, ask him to bring it in the screen now and show it to you)...if he is telling the truth about the server thing then he will be able to bring up others conversations like he said he could do with that conversation...if he is lying and is cheating on you he won't be able to and will try to get out of it by turning it back on you and accusing you of not trusting him.or saying he doesn't have to explain himself etc...

Drogosnextwife · 30/12/2018 01:29

He's a liar and he deleted the messages for a reason.

Drogosnextwife · 30/12/2018 01:29

Sorry OP

SuchAToDo · 30/12/2018 01:30

Just saw your update op...

It's not good, if it was platonic he wouldn't have lied about it, sounds like he was or is trying to pursue something with his other woman and you caught him...

Treat it the same as if you caught him with a woman in person as it is still cheating, he was going behind your back being dishonest ,don't go easy on him

JessieMcJessie · 30/12/2018 01:36

Headphones in the bath? Would he not also be at risk of electrocuting himself? He doesn’t sound very bright. If no kids, LTB, pronto.

CardsforKittens · 30/12/2018 01:41

Sorry OP, I wouldn't believe anything he says after he's lied at least twice.

SB1013 · 30/12/2018 01:42

Don't make any decisions straight away. It hurts like hell but with help and support and the right actions on his part you can survive this as loki says if you want to. When you have children it isn't as simple as just leave him. It's happened in my marriage too. When my daughter was 2 I found out my husband had had an affair 4 years prior and my world fell apart but we got through it and it took a very long time but now we have been together 12 years have another child, we are stronger than ever and communicate well which it actually helped us do.
Give yourself time to think and process what's happened x

Weenurse · 30/12/2018 01:43

Where to from here?

CaptainCabinets · 30/12/2018 01:47

He’s a scummy liar, get rid of him!

And get an STI test because he’s definitely not ‘just chatting’.

Sorry OP Flowers, I’m usually last to say LTB but this is cut and dried.

BrendasUmbrella · 30/12/2018 02:05

He'll confess nothing. He'll minimize and gaslight.

The4thSandersonSister · 30/12/2018 02:21

The answer is yes, and he's all about damage control now. It's your life, and only you know what you will accept to keep the status quo. He's got a taste for it so it won't stop there.

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