To ask if you have house rules?

[PerverseConverse]

Are they a thing? If so, what are they, how do you enforce/reward them? And how old are your kids?

I'm determined to nip some challenging behaviour in the bud and wondered if clear rules or maybe a family code would help so that we are all more cohesive as a family.

Basic things like respect have gone out of the window and I need to find a way to bring it back. I can't influence what happens outside of our home (which is what is causing the problems) but I can influence what happens in our home.

Before anyone jumps on me, I don't mean anything really strict or controlling or power mad, just basic manners, respect, courtesy, helpfulness, taking care of their belongings, helping with chores (loading their plates into the dishwasher, putting away their own clean clothes, putting their toys away etc).

I'm a single mum and finding it really tough at the moment and my exH parents against me so the battle is harder because of things being different there to here.

My kids are 11, 10, and 3.

My kids and I have just moved in with my partner. We have written some basic rules. On payday, they get a tenner each providing they have kept up their designated chores.

Mine are aged 11 + 7.5, but with a three year old I'm not sure what would work.

Behaviour charts and incentives. But I never managed to make either of mine stick to anything at that age

I think you're perfectly correct to do this. The older they get the more difficult it is to instill basic manners so I think you need to go for it. My 18 yr old confessed recently that she'd never cleaned a toilet until she went to uni.She's always been in a room with a jack and Jill bathroom and I clean all the toilets every Saturday but I was shocked

I guess we do but it’s kist to treat people and things with care ie we don’t damage things or hit people and we speak to each other nicely.
My kids will generally help me with whatever chores I ask and if not I might need to insist that x needs doing before they can do y but generally things go smoothly.

DC are 19 and 16

House Rules (off the top of my head)

No shoes indoors , must be taken off in the porch ( I wouldn't make a guest or visitor de-shoe but most do)

Animals are fed first. We have guinea-pigs and it's always a given

If anyone makes coffee they need to offer all round. When I was a teenager I noticed that my DSis would go to the kitchen and make a pot of tea (only DSis and DDad drank tea, DMum DBro and I had coffee) but she'd walk upstairs saying "There's tea made" meaning there's a half filled tea pot (I know , First World Problem )

We have a few unwritten rules but I really think writing them down together would help. The eldest has no respect for my privacy and frequently goes in my room "looking for something" and leaves all the lights on in the process or leaves a mess. I've nothing to hide but that's not the point. The middle one throws tantrums and name calls. They both hit and kick. The little one is copying these behaviours lately and is coming home from nursery with delightful phrases such as "you big, fat arsehole." I've spoken to his teacher twice already but will be speaking to the Head if it continues. I won't tolerate kicking or hitting or mane calling but despite punishments (loss of tv time, certain toys, tablets (the older two), they still do it. So time for a different tack.
I'll write them in positive ways such as "we respect each other's privacy, spaces and belongings" instead of "you're not allowed in my room or to mess with my stuff or take it without asking." I'll have to find a way to make the youngest understand as he's too little yet I think. Start as I mean to go on though.

They've not always been like this. I've always been consistent and had firm boundaries. They just ignore them and don't care what consequences there are 😩

They must have some currency! We've got loads of rules. Mostly so I'm not doing absolutely everything related to running the house and we can all get some actual time together doing nice things.

Shoes off house.
No shouting up the stairs - go into the room the person is you want to speak to.
Lights off when you leave a room.
Put more clothes on or get up and start moving before the heating goes on.
One person washes up the other will dry up. Always wash up after dinner but before pudding/supper.
Eat from a plate not the packet.
Write it on the wall calendar or notice board.

Rules can be bent and broken from time to time but we both play fair and pull our weight when we need to.

We just have 2 rules really, shoes off and no alcohol in the house (even for guests).

Remembered a few more.
If something is sitting at the top/bottom of the stairs it probably needs to go down/up the stairs back where it belongs. Whoever's passes by takes it with them.

No, no house rules. It’s every man for himself here. if you can catch it, you can eat it, and you don’t call me for bail money

We have, what I assume are pretty standard rules in most families

Use your manners
Clear your dishes away
Do your chores when they’re due to be done
Don’t give attitude
No violence
Come home when you’re told
Always offer mum tea when she’s just done the shopping.

Ours are

If you use it then you move it and put it away
Clean up after yourselves
If it's not in the basket it doesn't get washed
If you are not in for meals then let me know
No shoes
No shouting

Basic things like respect have gone out of the window and I need to find a way to bring it back.

By far and the best way to achieve this is to model it yourself. I’ve been there. One of mine is still learning, he will “kick off” (raise the voice, stomp,etc) when told off. I keep a really calm voice and ask him to adjust his tone, offer him 5 minutes to go and gather himself before coming and speaking to me respectfully. He gets nowhere without speaking respectfully. This includes things like interrupting and talking over people. Requires a lot of consistency on my part and nipping in the bud.

The important rules: respect yourself, others, your community and the environment.

The more trivial rules:
Don't let the cat out at night.
No noise after 11pm if people need to go to work or school in the morning.
If you make a mess then clear it up.

New rules for DS1 since he came back from university for Christmas:
If you use dishes or glasses then put them in the dishwasher afterwards.
Don't leave piles of your stuff everywhere in communal rooms.
If you eat stuff from fridge/cupboards that is clearly intended as ingredients for one of this week's meals, go to the shop and replace it.

I was bought up with loads more but my children think it's loads.

Our rules:
From age 2 put toys away, it's a game first then it's a habit.

Shoes off for everyone.

Everyone able to, cleans the bath and sink after themselves.

Everyone does chores as we are a family and all pitch in.

Respect for each other is a given.

Don't borrow or use others' items without permission.

If up early or late, you have to be quiet.

You don't wake mum unless house is on fire or someone is dying.

If you are rude or naughty you lose pocket money and then access to things you like. However chores are not linked to pocket money as you live in the house too and it's everyones responsibility to look after the house.

Not our rules:
I have banned my mum's rules of washing whites before they are put in the washing machine and no underwear in the washing machine as all must wash their own underwear. Washing down paintwork weekly. Windows fortnightly as they just don't look dirty that often. Nets monthly as who likes nets?

Mine are young adults now & two have left home, but my house rules for teens & pre-teens were:

All glasses & crockery to be returned to the kitchen after use
Bed linen to be changed weekly
Bedroom bins emptied weekly
Laundry wouldn't get done unless it was in the laundry basket - eventually they started doing their own
Household chores like hoovering, dusting, dishwasher emptying, bin emptying etc to be shared between all of us - I used to write a list of what needed to be done & the three teens would share the jobs out between them
During school holidays the three of them had to cook dinner for the family once a week each

As teens I expected them to let me know if they wouldn't be home for dinner, and as young adults living at home I'd ask for a quick text if they were staying elsewhere overnight.

The treating each other with respect, courtesy & good manners has never needed spelling out apart from once or twice in the early teenage years when they all occasionally needed reminding that rudeness wouldn't be tolerated.

I have loads and invent more as needed. Single mother, so some order needed if I am to be both good cop and bad cop.
Some examples:

• if it's not in the wash basket, you can wash it yourself.

• the bathroom is not to be turned into a swamp
• no food upstairs
• after 7 pm all tv viewing is by mutual consent
• doing jobs round the house is not a payable task, you do them because it is a shared home.

We have loads of rules but they evolved over time and were consistently enforced by both of us.
There's no point having rules if one of you disagrees and sabatoges them. Kids wont know if they are coming or going!

Sounds corny and I'm sure there's a better way if describing it thst doesntvsoundcas pompous but a kind if family meeting once a week coukd be useful. Maybe call it a catch up or something. Keep it short and positive. See what plans are happeening in the week so everyone knows. Bring up minor grumbles ( anything more severe can bevdealt with on a 1 :1 with the oerson concerned. Have it at the same time and also talk about what's going well and a quick reminder of your rules. Woukd that help.
As I said it doesn't have to be heavy but a kind if check in.

When dd was about 8 she started testing boundaries so we both sat down and wrote out a list of house rules for both of us and yes it worked

Shoes off in the house, rubbish in the bin, tidy rooms, no chocolate in the lounge preferrebly no eating in the lounge, toilet seats down. If you make a mess dont leave the mess. Be kind. Be truthful.

Agree with what @ILoveMaxiBondi said that these are just standard rules and behaviours.

Even the dog knows he is to eat from his own bowl. A standard rule and no training required. He won't eat from a dinner plate after we have used it.

Shoes off
No slamming doors
No jumping in furniture
Clean up after yourself
No food in bedrooms
No shouting

I’m single mum with ds10. Basic house rules are: eat at table, not in front of telly,
homework before screen time,
no lashing out, or nastiness.

Dirty clothes in the laundry basket by Saturday morning if he wants his pocket money.

Penalties are loss of screen time.

That’s all. The rest is encouragement/ negotiation, and the occasional yelling match.

Kids are teens to adults. Rules are 'don't be a knob'.

It covers everything it needs to. Plus I get to make the final decision on whether you were a knob.

Tell me you are coming in at 3.00am and Sarah's dad is fetching you. Fine.

Come in at 3.00am drunk and wake others = knob.

Very few in my house, two under 10, and an unruly wife + cats.

#No shoes upstairs.
#Lunch, Dinner to be eaten in dining room or kitchen as a family.
#Gun cabinet is out of bounds.
#Justin beiber is not an acceptable music choice.