To be a little upset at dd1?

[GreebosWhiskers]

My dd1 & dd2 stay with their dad. dd1 has always been into amateur dramatics (she was in a group when she lived with us). She auditioned for her school musical a while ago but didn't get the part altho' was offered a small speaking part instead which didn't materialise. She's been losing interest a bit 'cos of this but has been going to rehearsals & promised that she'd let me know when tickets went on sale. She no longer comes to our house for weekends as she's 14 now & has a social life instead (she lives in a different town to us) - fair enough, it had to happen some day.

Thing is, we all go to my parents' on a Tuesday but when my dad went to pick the girls up yesterday it was only dd2 who came over. Turns out the musical is this week on Tues, Wed & Thurs. Tues was no good obviously & Thurs is apparently sold out. I've called the school & reserved a ticket for me for tonight but as it's last minute I'm having to go myself as dh will have to babysit dd3 & ds. Also my parents really wanted to go but made plans a while ago to take my gran out tonight as it would have been her & grandad's 60th wedding anniversary so they're missing out on seeing her show.

I can't help being a little upset as I asked dd1 last Tuesday how rehearsals were going etc & she just shrugged - didn't even mention that it's on this week. Her dad & stepmum are going tomorrow night so at least she'll have some family going along but if we'd known sooner all my family could have had tickets & gone last night.

So AIBU & just feeling sorry for myself or could dd1 have at least called to let us know tickets were on sale?

But if DD is not in the play, why would you want to go ? Or have I missed something ?

Did you ever ask her when the tickets were going to be on sale? Does she want any family there? Have you asked why she didn't tell you? Would your Parents like to go to the show if it means postponing the night out wiht your Gran a day?

Is she happy at the moment living with her dad? Seems like you must hardly see her if she stays there all week and goes out with friends at weekend? Maybe she feel slike she's not important?

Oops - should have been a bit clearer

She is in the play, but in the chorus rather than one of the main parts. She does want family there as her dad, stepmum & sisters are all going tomorrow. I have been asking when tickets were going on sale but she was getting fed up of my harping on & kept saying I'll tell you when.

My grandad died a few years ago & today would have been his & gran's 60th anniversary & my parents didn't want to let it pass without marking it in some way so they're getting flowers delivered & taking her for a meal with various other rellies going along as a surprise. It was arranged a while ago, table booked & orderes in so not really able to cancel.

I think part of it is that now the girls are living with their dad I feel like I'm losing them a little - especially dd1. I know teenagers are often generally uncommunicative anyway but it worries me that not seeing much of her is making it worse. I just don't know how to help that without seeming nosy or needy

mumto3girls - I think she's happy at her dad's but it's hard to find out 'cos the girls don't like to talk about it much. I don't know if they feel like they're being disloyal to their dad by talking about him or what. I do ask & tell them that if there's any problems to tell me & I'll see if I can help but then again I'm maybe not in the best position to do that as any comments from me are taken as criticism rather than a desire to help.

The girls both lived with me & dh. We did originally live in the same town as their dad but then moved here & neither girl settled that well. They didn't make many friends & I'm a bit of a strict parent & didn't like them wandering around the neighbourhood. They both made the decision to move to their dad's at different times & they do have a much looser rein there which I guess is what kids their age want. I really regret restricting them so much & both are very aware that I'd love them to come back here.

When I had ds I had to move the girls to the smallest room as I needed the bigger room to fit 2 cot beds in & they were only here 4 nights a month. I explained this to them at the time & asked if they were okay with it & they said yes. I spent a fortune decorating there room exactly as they requested & buying them new bunk beds, quilts, curtains etc but it is since then that dd1 has stopped coming over so I guess she wasn't so okay with it after all.

Tricky situation. It does sound a little but like DD1 did not want you to go to the show, for whatever reason. Rememebr her reason may not be an obvious one and may (if you ever find out what it is) seem trivial to you, but could be v importnant to her.

I would suggest that you try and find some alone time with DD1. It could be that she wants to seperate herself from the other kids, as she feels the eldest and may be starting to see herself as "years older" than the other kids.

Maybe an outing together doing something "grown up" like nails or just a ladies lunch would help her open up. As you said you cannot necessarily help her with a problem with her dad, but maybe she just needs someone to talk to, not necessarily a problem-solver.

Not trying to criticise just offering an alternate view if it helps.

You might have a point there NappyValley. There's only 15 months between dd1 & dd2 & they have always tended to be a kind of 'package deal'. I get time alone with dd2 now as she always comes for her weekends but it might be an idea to try to have time alone with dd1. Just have to try to do it without dd2 feeling left out. You just can't win sometimes . . .

Good luck. It must be very hard trying to juggle all the different needs of your kids. AND then trying to find some time for being a wife and woman as well. good job we are all super-women eh??

I think maybe she did this because she has underlying issues with you. Sometimes kids do things to hurt you because they want you to notice them ...I think the idea of spending some time alone with her is good. I also can't imagine letting my children choose to live with their dad just because they didn't like my strictness....perhaps you letting them go there, then letting them choose whether they come at weekends or not is all giving her the impression that you're ambivalent about whether you see her or not..?

I called the school & reserved tickets for me & dd3 then called dd1 after school to tell her we were coming. She sounded really pleased.

Turned out all the seats were numbered & ours were right at the front. There was no stage & we were about 6 feet away from the action so dd couldn't fail to spot us. I could see her scanning the audience & she broke into a huge grin when she saw us. During the scenes when the chorus were supposed to be chatting among themselves she was pointing out her wee sis to all her friends

She came to find us afterwards & was totally on a high, introducing us to pals I hadn't met yet. We kept her company 'til her dad came to pick her up then legged it for the bus (which we missed so didn't get home 'til after 11). I'm glad we went 'cos dd3 really loved seeing her big sis dancing & kept shouting out 'go X go' everytime she saw her

As for 'letting' them go - they were both at the age where a court would have taken their wishes into consideration in a custody battle. At least this way neither of us has 'official' custody & they could in theory come back to us at any time without having to go through any lengthy legal process. It was not an easy thing to do & still hurts years on but I felt it was better than forcing them to stay here where they weren't happy & maybe having them resent me or forcing their dad into a court battle which couldn't have been pleasant for the girls. As far as I'm concerned their happiness comes first & I made them very aware at the time that although I didn't want them to go I did want them to be happy.

I haven't spoken to dd1 yet about why she didn't tell us the show was this week but after last night I'm inclined to put it down as forgetfulness. I will be trying to spend some time just with her tho' so I will ask her at some point.