ExH is a shift worker...

[mne13]

He is a shift worker 6 days on 4 days off....he sends me a list of dates he can have the kids 3 months in advance

They are never set days of the week they sleep at his once every 8 days and they go for tea once every 6 days!

In the school holidays he has them to sleep 2 nights a week this is our agreement...he has sent me the dates for January (late) & is only having them one night next week...he said he would ordinarily but he has plans on the second night!
I've told him this is not my problem and he shouldn't make plans when he should have the kids or at the least arrange to have them another night!

Aibu to want set days in every week now even though he works shifts? What do other people do who work shifts?
How would I go about sorting the days so the kids stay on regular days every week?

Set days probably aren't going to be possible. If it's anything like my work then there's no choice. Does he pay maintenance? YANBU but there may not be an alternative

Simple answer is you can't. If he works shifts then he isn't going to able to have the children on the same days each week unless you are happy for them to stay in an empty house whilst he is at work.

Presumably he works shifts to provide for the children? YABU to want set days but you would not BU to expect him to have his full quota of days and to give you plenty of notice.
If he has plans on his days, he needs to arrange a babysitter.

The night he can't have them, he needs to arrange their care.

He can't do set days. He could do more though.

If you took a job working shifts, would you just send the kids to his to suit your shift pattern, or would you have to arrange childcare for the days you would be working?

YABU to expect set days - it's just not possible with shift work.
However YANBU to expect him to sort childcare on his allocated days, for whatever reason. It drives me up the wall when I get a "I can't have DC on such and such day because I have plans". As a parent you don't have the "I can't have DC" option I'm afraid. For work then yes, I think you need to grin and bare it especially if the work is helping bring the children up financially, and be as flexible as possible, but outside that he's the other parent, with the same responsibilities. Sadly though in my experience it doesn't work like that - I have ended up putting annual leave in when ex has gone away for the weekend he was supposed to have DC because it left me with no childcare (long standing arrangement, short notice)

Yeah I know I think I am just frustrated with him! He knows before I do what dates he is having the children but then decides he isn't having them because he has plans!
He does pay maintenance based on the fact he has the kids two nights per weeks in the holidays so he should still honour that whether he has plans or not!
Thank you everyone for your input though

Its ridiculous wanting set days - he's a shift worker. Reminds me of my friend who wants her ex to do set days even though he works away on a shift pattern and gives her he is schedule months in advance.

You can discuss with him a set schedule according to work pattern of him having them the days he is off.

I can see both sides of this. DHs exW worked shifts, and relied on him to care for the DCs when she was working; when they split, the 'contact schedule' they agreed revolved around her shift pattern, and the DCs used to pin her rota up to his fridge.

Problem was, he was expected to swap and change his contact in the event that her work pattern changed at short notice - to the extent that when she left work unwell during a night shift she stopped to pick up the DCs from DPs on the way home in the middle of the night as she "didn't need him to look after them anymore".

That was the last straw for him and he applied for a court order, which resulted in the DCs having a regular contact schedule with him, and his exW relied on her DM to provide childcare. The DCs often went days at a time without seeing their Mum.

I'd try and make it work if you can, because the goal should be to maximise the time the DCs have being parented by each parent, but if he's taking the piss and abusing arrangements, then put a regular schedule in place, and if that means he has to secure childcare for when he's not available to care for the DCs then so be it. Just don't allow yourself to become that childcare.

He inbu to fit contact around his shift pattern

However, whoever said that if an rp works shifts, they have to arrange appropriate childcare had a very good point, and he should be aware that you’re being a good egg accommodating him in this - it doesn’t win him extra points that he’s ‘working to support his dc’ - aren’t we all doing that, that’s just baseline parenting surely?

And yabu to expect him to honour his 2 nights - he’ll either have to get a babysitter, or alter his plans, as presumably you have to occasionally.

Surely it is better for the children that they see their dad when he is not at work and that he is earning, (money plus good role model etc).

If he can't take them because he wants to make plans - yes - he could arrange child care - but surely again better for kids that they stay with you. He can maybe return the favour when you have a wedding or party to go to.

Kids are not a timeshare

So he is supposed to parent his children for two nights, but wants to go out for one of them and thinks he can do this by dropping one of the two contact nights?

I don't think YABU to pissed off with that, and if you were posting to say you want to drop one of just two nights you've got them and he's complaining that you didn't ask if he was ok picking up your slack and just made the plans anyway then you'd be getting some stick and told you should cancel your plans to look after children.

Set days isn't reasonable but you're not unreasonable to think he should arrange his own childcare for the days he is doing majority of parenting. Be that asking you if you mind doing him a favour or sorting something else.

I suspect you'll be told you should be happy to have them because they are your children and they'd be better off with a parent than a babysitter. Which might be true but in that case maybe he should be the one to cancel plans and be the parent. It's not about not loving your children, it's about someone taking you for granted and having you cover when he cancels the limited contact he already has.