To ask how you still have spontaneity in your life/relationship now you have DC

[Jellybabie3]

Any advice? We have a 14mo that we adore and I want to ttc another next year but DH is really struggling atm. We've talked and he says he doesn't like that we can't just wake up and decide what to do anymore or in a moment as there is always an endless list and routine of food/washing/clearing up mess/bath etc and it feels quite rigid leaving little fun time as a family and of course, just us two.

So how do you all manage/tips please?

You come to terms with the change in your lifestyle over time.

You get mote freedom as they get older, but it isn't like pre-kids.

I tell myself I will do some things when the dc leave home.

Get a baby sitter and go out more and just do more fun things with your baby. Go away for the weekend, take a trip, go for brunch instead of dinner, ditch the routine for once and just have some fun. I have a 5 year old and a 5 month old and we do stuff on a whim all the time. Have just booked last minute to go away next week for two days with the kids to a hotel down the country. We go out to eat all the time and we also have a baby sitter for when we want a bit of time out. There is nothing stopping you doing stuff except you.

For me what works is not being too rigid about mealtimes/naptimes. Obviously it’s not the same freedom as we’re taking children out with us but I have no problem waking up and saying ‘let’s go here today’. A few snacks and drinks, or some sandwiches, couple of changes of clothes and enough nappies for a day and off we go. They can sleep in the car/ buggy/sling. A day of rubbish food won’t harm them. If we’re late home in the evening I don’t always bother washing them, just put them to bed as they are.

Load of washing on first thing, hung up whenever I’m around to do it.

Dishwasher on after dinner and emptied before bed (or in the morning while making tea), then anything dirty can go straight into it.

5 minute tidy up of toys at the end of the day.

Downstairs floors swept/hoovered at some point most days (but I don’t worry about leaving it if we go out for the day).

It’s still pretty relentless but I find this approach easier than being governed by a fixed routine.

It’s definitely different to pre-children though.

Your husband is a selfish, self-absorbed twat. Did he really think his life wouldn't dramatically change once you had children? Does he not realise that it's not all about him anymore? Honestly, why did he bother to have children if he didn't want his life to be altered? His attitude is just fucking ridiculous. Tell him to grow up.

We often have a Saturday night meal at home just the two of us. We give DS his tea and then once he’s in bed we set the table with candles, dim the lights, have something special for dinner and a bottle of wine/fizz

It’s not the same as going out but good for when you don’t have a babysitter

You don’t really for the first couple years, which is why a nice age gap does help. There’s 5 years between mine and it did a lot of good to have a break after the first few intense years where we got to travel and have dinner out again. Setting aside time for just the two of you helps. We do adult dinner alone (at home) every Friday and Saturday. That’s not very spontaneous, but it was nice to eat a steak and drink some wine in peace.

Honestly, I think it’s about giving it time. Eldest is 6 now and she’s pretty easy, so we aren’t too overwhelmed even with a baby. It would have been hard though with two really little ones. Paid childcare or family nearby to help makes a difference too. We have no family help, but a lovely babysitter.

Aquamarine1029 bit harsh. The sheer relentlessness of young children comes as a huge shock to the most loving of parents, male and female.

Spontaneity and being able to do what you fancy that day does disappear for a few years. And yes having another will further delay the point at which the dc and life get easier.

But, and this is a big but, two kids fairly close together in age will usually play together (especially once the younger one is 2ish) whereas an only child or those with a big age gap will look more to their parents for entertainment. Of course there are exceptions to this. But IME having two close ish together is hard work but worth it once the younger is 2+.

Also a bigger age gap means you’ve just got used to life being easier, less mess, better sleep, no nappies... and then it all starts again... I preferred to get it done with.

Also, I’m not sure what your DH thinks will happen if you don’t have a second. Life will still be pretty child centred (unless he wants to be the kind of parent who does what they want and expects the kid to just fit in).

We don't really have spontaneity in our lives, everything has to be planned.
My kids are 4 and 7 and it gets easier every day with regards to things like not having to think about naps and taking bags of stuff out with us etc, but it then swaps over to the kids not wanting to go where you want to go or moaning constantly when your out. We've tried to go to places that aren't just for kids but there really isn't much point as they spoil it. I've resided myself that it will be butlins, seaside, alton towers, play centres etc for 18 years and then hubby and I can go sight seeing, to nice restaurants and travel when they've left him lol
If you want another child I would do it now so that the baby stages are out of the way. I wouldn't want another baby now,

It’s really difficult, we have an almost two year old and I still mourn our carefree lifestyle from before!

We’ve realised that her routine is not as important as we always thought-we were always rigid about meal/nap times.

We actually broke this on New Year’s Eve-we usually only ever go out for lunch these days to ensure we get dd home for a nap. We went out after her nap instead, to the pub and had a lovely relaxed meal.

We both had a couple of cocktails, dd was so much happier eating out after a nap instead of before and she was entertaining the whole place by “cheering” and giving everyone high fives!

It’s taught me that you can still be spontaneous, just not all the time